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Tag Archives: Thomas Jefferson

11 Things Only 1790s Kids Will Understand

26 Oct

The clothes, the music, the crazy things that happened – no decade was as great as the 1790s.  And if you’re a true kid of the 90s, you’ll have a major nostalgia attack when you see the images we scraped together off Google images in about 20 minutes:

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OkCupid Profile: Thomas Jefferson

4 Jul

Gender: I am male

Orientation: I am straight

Status: I am married, but seeking every piece of tail I can get some action on the side.

Birthdate: April 13, 1743. I am old, but experienced 😉

Your location: Second Continental Congress, Philadelphia. Continue reading

A Line-by-Line Analysis of Miley Cyrus’ “We Can’t Stop”

2 Jul

Miley Cyrus, daughter of notable country star and probable redneck Billy Ray Cyrus, has long been an object of media scrutiny.  However, she has changed all of this with the release of her new video “We Can’t Stop.”  This video sets Miley apart, as she takes on subject matters rarely heard in pop music such as partying, and hooking up with others.  However, not all of us are smart and mature enough to understand Miley, because she’s really artsy and mature now and we just don’t understand her because she’s that fucking deep.  So as someone who took an english class once[1], I’ll do the service of explaining this magnificent song elucidating its meaning to those not capable of understanding.[2] Continue reading

10 Gaffes Worse Than Todd Akin’s “Legitimate Rape” Comments

22 Aug

I’ve never met Todd Akin, but from listening to him speak in a seven second clip I’m going to go ahead and say that he’s a bad, bad, bad, bad person:

What you may be surprised to find out, however, is that Akin’s “legitimate rape” interview was far from the largest gaffe in American history. In fact, there have been at least ten worse statements by prominent politicians over the years:

10) George W. Bush: “Of course I don’t care about black people.”

After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in 2005, the Bush administration’s slow response was ridiculed by many prominent public figures and minority advocates. Also Kanye West. Ye thought that a telethon for the victims of the disaster would be the perfect time to point out that he believed that George Bush didn’t care about black people.

But the true gaffe was made days later when Bush was asked about the accusation in an interview. “Of course I don’t care about black people,” he said. “They’re different from me, ya know? And they never even vote for me. This can’t be, like, a surprise, right?” The interview set off a firestorm among the liberal media with their liberal agenda and liberal viewpoints who somehow interpreted the comments to mean that President Bush had intentionally crafted policies that failed to help the African American community.

9) John Hancock: “I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense.”

His biopic was slammed for historical inaccuracies.

When John Hancock signed his name to the Declaration of Independence, he remarked to the room that he had signed it big enough for old King George to read it without having to put his glasses on. They all had a nice laugh. Except, Hancock apparently was confused about the entire stituation, believing his statement to be just a smaller joke in a larger prank about declaring independence from the world’s most powerful empire.

The gaffe came years later as Hancock was being billed for a presidential run. His place as a Declaration-signer made him one of the top candidates of 1806 when he sat down for an interview with People magazine.

“Well I certainly never thought I’d be here,” Hancock said. “I remember when Tom and George were first talking about declaring independence and we all had a laugh about the idea then went off to take some land away from Indians so that we could create West Virginia. That worked out, huh? Anyway, I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense. Never in a million years thought we’d revolt. After all, we were paying absurdly low tax rates compared to other colonies and we had extraordinary new religious and cultural freedoms. It was just a bunch of whiny bitches who started the whole thing, tbh.”

8) Thomas Jefferson: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Their sex tape nearly won an Oscar.

When Thomas Jefferson’s wife Martha confronted him about a half-black slave child living on their plantation who kept writing lengthy Constitutions to govern the land, Jefferson famously declared that “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Not once have I sent for Sally Hemmings to come to our bedroom while you were out and made sweet, sweet love to her in our marriage bed.”

Moments later, Martha brought Sally Hemmings into the room who quickly announced that if Mr. Jefferson was going to ask for more of the sexi timez, he would have to acknowledge the children he had fathered with her from their many, many instances of intercourse. Jefferson was immediately impeached by the House of Representatives.

7) Joe Biden: “I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now.”

Joe Biden has made a career out of gaffes, but when Barbara Walters asked him if ever thought about running for president in 2016, Biden sent shockwaves across the Beltway. “Obviously, I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now,” he responded. “The odds of the guy surviving this far are gastrointestinal. There’s terrorists and racists and have you seen Contagion? Good God, the odds that any of us are alive. So anyway, yes I fully expected to be President by now.”
Obama took the gaffe in stride, instructing his staff to hold Biden down and give him forty-four lashes, as is the standard procedure in the White House.

6) Herman Cain: “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan.”

Herman Cain once ran for President. He once led the Republican field. And then he unveiled his platform. “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan,” Cain said. “It would b a good idea.”

Cain’s lead immediately vanished as voters realized that he truly believed in the idea of a 9% income tax, a 9% national sales tax and a 9% business transaction tax. Then ladies said he groped all up on them. But mostly it was the whole 9-9-9 deal.

5) Ronald Reagan: “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”

Sometimes, after an orgy, I think to myself, “That was SO Reagan.” Other times, I’m like, “That was not very Reagan.”

Ronald Reagan’s distinction as a symbol of cultural conservatism and a return to family values collapsed in 1986 when he let slip in an interview that his weekly meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff were actually excuses for lengthy orgies. “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff,” the septuagenarian Republican admitted. “Before it was all, ‘The Soviets have missiles located in yada yada yada.’ Now it’s much more about who’s receiving my missile.”

The nation was of course heartbroken when Nancy Reagan immediately died of  massive cardiac arrest as she sat next to her husband during the interview.

4) Abraham Lincoln: “Let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake.”

Much of Abraham Lincoln’s life and legacy were defined by his heroic crusade to save the Union and end American slavery. More of his legacy, however, was defined by his stunning plan to force all white Southerners to be slaves in the aftermath of the Civil War.

“As our friends in Virginia have pointed out, slaves were an integral part of our economy,” Lincoln said in his 1866 State of the Union address. “So let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake. Someone’s gotta work the fields, amirite??” And so it was that the Second Civil War began.

3) John F. Kennedy: “I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

To be fair to John Kennedy, this gaffe was never intended for public consumption. Kennedy believed he was writing his thrice-daily letter to his mother updating her on his activities, when he accidentally wrote the address for the Republican National Committee instead.

The GOP went public with the letter days letter, including this sensational tidbit: “This job is really easy, as long as I just spend all my time making smooshy with anything that moves. I mean, I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

Public reaction to the leaked letter was mixed, with approximately half of the country calling for his public assassination in Dallas, and the other half swooning over his good looks and Boston accent.

2) Kathleen Sebelius: “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me.”

As Sarah Palin and other Republicans took aim at health care reform in 2009 over what they perceived to be “death panels,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sebelius attempted to allay the concerns by declaring there would be no death panels.

Scandal hit, however, when she followed the declaration with, “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me. It’s more off a Death Chairwoman. Or a Death Dictator. But yes, the bottom line is I will arbitrarily be killing six seniors a day.” Following the comments, Rush Limbaugh ate Sebelius alive on the radio in a widely derided publicity stunt.

1) Franklin Roosevelt: “Let’s settle the war with a footrace: me against Hitler.”

A traitor to his class? Sure. A quitter? Never.

Likely the worst gaffe of all time, Roosevelt’s challenge of a race to decide the war nearly doomed humanity.

It was during one of Roosevelt’s famous fireside chats in 1941 that he accidentally blurted out, “Let’s settle the war with a  footrace: me against Hitler… I used to be quite the runner, mind you, so I think I can show that fatass Fuhrer a thing or tw- Oh fuck. Shit shit shit no fuck no shit fuck ass face no fuck shit hell dammit fuck.”

Fortunately, in the pre-Twitter.com era, the White House was able to quietly bribe the entire nation never to mention it again, and those who refused to accept the bribe were casually shipped off to internment camps.

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525,600 p-trips: A look back at Year 1 of the Shermanavian Calendar

26 Jan

We hear founding stories and histories almost every day – “George Washington won this battle,” “Paul Revere made that ride,” “Thomas Jefferson boinked those slaves,” etc.  But today’s founding story is something much more substantial and heroic than most.  So squeeze yourself into that zebra-print speedo, pour yourself a quad-shot of Jameson, and take a seat, because TODAY IS SHERMAN AVE’S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

Look away, Winnie the Pooh. You don't want to see this.

We all remember our first birthday.  Actually, none of us remember our first birthday, but we’ve always just assumed that it consisted primarily of cupcakes and self-defecation.  And here at Sherman Ave, we intend to celebrate our birthday in the same way.  But instead of cupcakes, we have strippers, and instead of self-defecation, we have…wait, just kidding, we will definitely have self-defecation.

However, since our readers span far and wide and not all of them can come celebrate our anniversary with us, we want to celebrate with our readers by reflecting on Sherman Ave’s first year.  Thus, without any further ado, I present to you:  An exhaustive timeline of Sherman Ave’s history!

C. 10,000 BC:  Archaeological evidence points to the first alcoholic beverages.  Although it came about several millennia before any of Sherman Ave writers squirmed out of the womb, this invention would greatly motivate, inspire, and ultimately humiliate the writing staff.

July 2, 1776:  The Declaration of Independence is signed, establishing America’s separation from the pretentious twattitude of the British Empire.  This country would go on not only to host the birth of every Sherman Ave writer (with the exception of Señorita Margarita Puñeta Fellatiata, who was obviously born in Egypt), but the core values of free speech, free press, and free heinousness would create a fostering environment for Sherman Ave.

He's wearing the Demos jersey only as an admirable form of self-discipline.

December 16, 2008:  Morton O. Schapiro is named the 16th president of Northwestern University.  At this point, little was known about the man’s past, but the whole world would soon know of Morty’s legend: his unthinkable assortment of purple attire, his supreme lordship over the Evanston City Council, and, of course, his massive, massive dong.

October 14, 2010:  On this fateful evening in Evanston, Illinois, Ross Packingham and Evander Jones meet in a way that only true heroes do:  Drunkenly skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan and subsequently running from the police.

January 26, 2011:   Sherman Ave is founded.  What began with a review of an awesome rap hit single would soon evolve into the biggest power-trip that has graced the world since Idi-Amin was in power.

February 14, 2011:  Rebecca Black’s viral music video, “Friday,” is released on YouTube.  While the song wouldn’t go viral for a few more weeks, its existence aided and perpetuated the kind of rampant heinousness to which Sherman Ave dedicates itself.

February 21, 2011:   Professor John Michael Bailey rocks/vibrates/indefinitely turns off the Northwestern student body with a sexual demonstration involving a fucksaw.  While no member of Sherman Ave has yet been fucksawed (“yet” being the operative word – President’s Day is often a gamechanger), this incident was basically a gift to Sherman Ave, and we have made a concerted effort to reference fucksaws in every article we possibly can.

Getting fucksawed? Or having sex dreams about Sherman Ave?

March 28, 2011:  Sir Edward Twattingworth III posts an article about a recent experience encountering Our Lord and Savior Morty Schapiro in Paris.  This event would become something about which Sir T-Worth power-trips on an hourly basis.

July 1-3, 2011:  Evander Jones, Blaise Bernard, Ross Packingham, Sir Twattingworth, Ginger LeatherDream, and their friend Jessica go to Michigan to enjoy a leisurely weekend and soulful celebration of America’s independence.  What resulted from this gathering was exactly what one would expect:

  • ·         A three hour time period spent heavily intoxicated in a 100-degree barn
  • ·         Recreation of classic American art
  • ·         A photograph of Ross Packingham and Evander Jones emulating Jack and Rose from “Titanic”
  • ·         Blaise Bernard wielding a butcher’s knife and preparing dinner, despite her inability to form coherent sentences
  • ·         Vomit
  • ·         The emergence of the word “heinous”

Ross Packingham non-verbally proclaims his love for patriotic cookie cakes.

August 10, 2011:  Evander Jones begins the Sherman Ave Freshman Guide – a series of articles that would corrupt freshmen from all walks of life, and also (more importantly) help Sherman Ave get off the ground by appealing exclusively to an alcohol-deprived demographic.

October 25, 2011:  Generation II takes its place, as Sherman Ave brings on seven new writers.  Sadly, the writers did not know at that point that they were only entering a long and grueling initiation process which may or may not have included facial contact with a 14-inch gummy worm dildo.

January 24, 2012:  Ross Packingham and Evander Jones submit paperwork for what many call an “apartment”; the request would probably not be processed if the landlord had even the slightest notion of what is implied by “Sherman Ave Headquarters.”

Morty, Sherman Ave's communal pet.

January 26, 2012:   Sherman Ave turns one.  Not a big deal or anything.  OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING, WE’RE GOING TO BE POWER-TRIPPING RELENTLESSLY FOR ETERNITY.

Thanks for a great year, readers.  We’ll continue to supply you all with articles, as long as you continue to supply us with narcissistic validation.  Happy birthday!!!

A History of Inflammatory Statements in the United States

13 Nov

There are three things you need to have to be a good President: Personality, cajones of steel, and... Fuck, I forgot

Earlier this week, Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry – in one of the most admirable and laudable acts of public and civic service this nation has ever seen – absolutely ruined his hopes of being elected president. In a GOP debate, Perry was enumerating the three government departments he planned to eliminate when he completely forgot the third department. I mean, there are only fifteen, but he still managed to forget one. Surprisingly enough, though, this is hardly the most self-destructive statement that’s ever been issued by a politician. Here’s a list of some other quotes that shattered the speaker’s future like Justin Bieber’s Christmas album shatters what pitiful traces of good there once were in the universe.

1803, Thomas Jefferson
“Sally Hemmings? No, she’s just a slave. And while I do consider her an important part of my life, I think it’s a stretch to call her ‘First Lady.’ Then again, ‘3/5 lady’ just doesn’t have the same ring.”

1822, James Monroe
“Why yes, I do believe this period can be aptly described as an ‘Era of Good Feelings.’ But when it comes down to it, no good feelings will ever compare to those I experienced during the blumpkin I received last night.”

1848, Elizabeth Cady Stanton (at the Seneca Falls Convention)
“I can in no way deny that this is not the ideal venue for an event of this magnitude. I would’ve looked for a better location, but I was too busy gargling scrotum.”

I just hope they stick that asshole Pickett with an actor like Jeff Daniels

1863, Robert E. Lee (after the Battle of Gettysburg)
“It is my dream that, in one or two hundred years, my actions over the past few days will be portrayed by the ever-mediocre acting skills of Martin Sheen.”

1865, Abraham Lincoln
“Hairspray is sold out?! Drats. In that case, two tickets for My American Cousin.”

1884, Mark Twain
“Hmm. The story of a daring young man travelling down a river with a slave. It’s good, I feel like it just lacks something…aha, I’ve got it! I’ll just throw the n-word in there 215 times!”

1897, William McKinley
“Monocles are in style, right?”

1908, Sacco (to Vanzetti)
“How do you feel about moving to America? I hear there’s a lot of opportunity over there.”

1925, John Scopes
“I’m in Tennessee. Why would I need to teach creationism?”

This cockpit's a little cozy for the two of us.

1934, Franklin D. Roosevelt
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, polio. Polio is probably worth some mild trepidation.”

1945, American Military
“We need something that just screams ‘We’re going to bomb you back to the stone age.’ Ooh, I’ve got it! Name it something vaguely questionable but blatantly hilarious. Something like…Enola Gay!”

1961, John F. Kennedy
“We should invade Cuba.”

1969, Neil Armstrong
“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for the likelihood of me winding up on the Ohio state quarter.”

1975, Richard Nixon
“Okay fine, so I’m a fucking crook.”

While we're at it, do you think you could sell some of these weapons lying around for some extra beer money?

1983, Ronald Reagan
“They would be satellites that defend us from nuclear missiles. Why are you all giving me that look?”

1992, Ross Perot
“I hereby announce that I am running for president in 1992.”

1998, Bill Clinton
“A handjob? Really? We both know you can do better than that.”

10 American Historical Events That Totally Should Have Been Pregamed

7 Jul

For those of you out there in blogosphere who aren’t familiar with the up-and-coming trend of “pregaming,” it is a term that refers to the act of consuming alcohol before any event; it could be a football game, a musical, or even a 250-student lecture. Unfortunately, this trend of pregaming has only become a common cultural activity in recent years. We must wonder: How would history have been changed if previous generations were clinical alcoholics like ours is? Here are the top ten historical events that would have been infinitely better had all parties involved drained several shots of Jose Cuervo beforehand.

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Famous Moments in Hook Up History

6 Jul

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two consenting parties to get their mutual rocks off, mankind has resorted time and time again to the perennial spectacle of the “Hook Up” in order to satisfy its carnal needs. From casual make-out sessions to all-out boot knocking, humans have been engaged in the barter of sexual favors pretty much ever since we evolved to develop the capacity for euphemisms, and at an increasingly rapid pace since the invention of alcohol, Cosmo, and the internet. But despite the interminable nature of this miraculous form of erotic consortium, there are some moments in hook up lore that truly stand above and beyond the rest of the fray. These aren’t just your run-of-the-mill regrettable one-night stands, but rather moments of extraordinary courage and fervor, where the libido of two humans changed the course of human history forever.

The evolutionary process enables humans to complete the walk of shame faster than any other mammal

48,000 BC: Caveman and Cavewoman
Historians have concluded that the first hook up in the history of man occurred approximately 20 minutes after Homo sapiens reached full behavioral modernity. The inaugural event, commemorated on cave walls and cave chat rooms everywhere, is rumored to have taken place at the annual Festival of the Woolly Mammoth, when a noticeably intoxicated caveman of the local Sig Ep tribe managed to seduce a female, forget her name at least three different times, and engage in a brief and thoroughly mediocre tryst with her. The next morning, the proud male reportedly never even considered hunting breakfast for her the next morning, and neglected to send smoke signals her way after a three-day waiting period. During their next encounter at a cave party in Lascoux, France, the two cordially greeted each other, but then quickly separated to avoid the shame and awkwardness that was to forever plague the human race.

Alright, my roommate's gone for the next 30 minutes. Let's see how fertile the Nile Delta really is.

41 BC: Cleopatra and Mark Antony
The inventor of the “power trip,” Cleopatra was never quite satisfied ruling over one of the greatest civilizations in the world or bearing Julius Caesar’s child. Instead, she cooped up in her love den with Marcus Antonius (the most tantalizing triumvir in all the Roman Empire) in what became one of the most geo-politically significant coitions of all time. Using highly sensitive facial recognition technology, archaeologists have determined that Cleopatra was approximately 56,000 times hotter than a combination between Brooklyn Decker and Pippa Middleton, which goes a long way to explaining why Antony preferred to get his freaky on in Alexandria than return to Rome and his wife Octavia. Pascal once that “Cleopatra’s nose, had it been shorter, the whole face of the world would have been changed,” which means that, had Cleopatra been less of a slampiece or Antony less of a gallant philanderer, Octavian might never have risen to power as Augustus, and the world never would have inherited such valuable cultural contributions from the Roman Empire as corrupt politicians, togas, and lax sexual mores.

"If I were casting for a modern film interpretation of our romance, I'd totally get Claire Danes to play you."

1591 AD: Romeo and Juliet
In a now classic move, two adolescents met each other for the first time at a lame party and fell instantly, nay noxiously, in love with the first person to ever requite their affection. This hook up practically wrote the template for horny teenagers using make-out sessions to rebel against their family, and imbued western society with a healthy dose of suspicion towards drug-dealing Friars that hang out with 15 year old girls. That, combined with the fact that any male who can recite the balcony scene is instantly guaranteed to get some at any time he so desires, makes Romeo and Juliet’s horrifically saccharine relationship qualify for a position amongst the masters of the art of the hook up.

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1788 AD: Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings
Jefferson’s 38-year relationship with his slave Hemings that produced 6 children born into slavery was not just one of numerous blights on American Presidential history and convoluted racial past, but also a testament to three of the most important aspects of most hook ups: lying, hypocrisy, and shame. It took major cojones to write that all men are created equal and born with unalienable rights, and then to turn around and use those cojones to knock up a slave. Like most other men, Jefferson never divulged the truth about his affair, and the shame of his duplicity still hangs over the nation even worse than the memory of that one time with those two theater majors and a bottle of rum.

You have no idea what's hidden beneath those robes.

1928 AD: Harry Blackmun and Tiffani Brooking
During Justice Blackmun’s junior year at Harvard, the Lambda Chi brother experienced a regrettable one-night stand with his Con Law study partner. The episode turned far more distressing, however, during the ensuing pregnancy scare. It is said that the tense period when Blackmun wondered if he would become a father at the age of 20 greatly affected the future Supreme Court Justice, eventually playing the deciding role in his authoring of the Court’s Roe v. Wade decision. The American hook up scene would be a much different world without Blackmun’s passionate advocacy of abortion rights, earning this jowly Minnesotan the distinction of having partaken in one of the most important hook ups in all hook up history.