Famous Movie Quotes Spoken by Hodor from Game of Thrones

If you haven’t seen Game of Thrones or read A Song of Ice and Fire books THEN YOU FUCKING SHOULD BECAUSE GEORGE R. R. MARTIN WENT TO NORTHWESTERN FOR 5 YEARS, HE WAS A MEDILLDO AND HE TRAVERSED THE HALLS OF TECH AND HE WALKED TO CLASS IN SHITTY WEATHER AND HE WAS SO INSPIRED THAT HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT COLD AND DOOM AND MISERY.

There’s also a lot of sex in Game of Thrones.

But we all know none of that came from Northwestern.

In Game of Thrones, there’s a character named Hodor who never says anything except “Hodor.” He’s also the most devilishly handsome character on the TV show, and a regular fan-favorite. Part of Hodor’s charm is that he uses the phrase “Hodor” in place of any actual words. To demonstrate, Sherman Ave has translated some of the best movie quotes of all time into Hodor-ese.

So hodor to your hodor! Hodor hodor and remember, hodor. 

 

What You’re Doing Over Winter Break

We’re a full three-ish weeks into Winter Break now, and all your productive little plans have collapsed faster than the economy once we go off the fiscal cliff, rite?! Rite. But with the help of all those fun little hidden cameras we’ve installed in all of our readers apartments/dorms/houses (you would not BELIEVE what goes on in young Chester’s apartment… hint: marijuana drugging), we know what you’ve been up to:

1. Not changing out of your pajamas. And why should you? This is break, bitches! Sleep till 2pm. Wear your comfy jamjmaz all day. Don’t shower, workout, get dressed, brush your teeth, comb your hair, or, most importantly, come into contact with another human person. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine to bum around all day over break, but do NOT for a moment be fooled into thinking that your friends will understand. Just hide in your house, dirty and unkempt, until you decide you’re ready for human interaction. Then shower up, shave that back, throw some Lacoste on and get ready to get muploaded.

Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis!

Mississippi State Head Coach Dan Mullen, relentlessly taunting a family of syphilis-ridden monkeys.

Okay, readers, listen up: I know that your Facebook newsfeed, Twitterfeed, and TV commercial breaks are saturated with people trying to enlist you for causes.  In fact, just yesterday someone invited me to play Farmville.  But this is something much, much more important – more important than any other cause, even battered puppies being serenaded by Sarah McLachlan.

The Mississippi State University football team is kidnapping innocent monkeys from the Amazon Rainforest and injecting them with syphilis.

For fun.

Is Mississippi State To Blame For The Titanic Sinking?

Last week, we published our first investigation into what role NU Football’s bowl opponent Mississippi State played in a historical tragedy: The Kennedy Assassination. This week we continue our investigation, this time looking into how MSU may be responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.

January 1st, we avenge Jack Dawson.

The Tragedy: On April 15, 1912, more than 1,500 people died as the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg on its maiden voyage and sunk in the North Atlantic. Much like Mississippi State’s season, the Titanic had been built up in the press and praised widely before running into real competition, which quickly sank it and destroyed its dreams of being remembered as anything but an unmitigated disaster.

We want to drunkenly live-tweet a movie, and we want YOUR input!

If you haven’t yet noticed, we Sherman Aviators really like live-tweeting things.*  We also like fermented beverages, or as known in some social circles, DRANK.  We’ve decided to put these two things together to provide the world with a live-tweeted drunken fiasco, because clearly there aren’t yet enough of those.  However, since you are our humble readers, we want to include you in the decision, so we made a cute little poll with some potential movies for the live-tweeting.  Whichever movie wins the most votes will be the one out of which we live-tweet the living shit!

*We also acknowledge that we are hopeless, pathetic sacks of excrement.

Titanic 3D: The Drinking Game

I guess I'm not the only one who likes to pretend I'm an airplane

As most of you know, Titanic is being released in 3D tonight in theatres across the country. Of course, this makes us wonder: Why? Just why? If I wanted to see Leonardo DiCaprio drown in 3 dimensions, I’d just go to sleep, because more often than not that’s what happens in my dreams. Instead of releasing Titanic in 3D, they should have cut the middle-man and just shown a 3-hour clip of James Cameron masturbating onto a thirty-foot high bonfire made from $100 bills and some physical embodiment of artistic integrity. Now don’t get me wrong; Titanic is a great movie. You get to see Kate Winslet’s tits, plus there’s a really cool shipwreck that occurs about halfway through the movie. On top of that, sadistic bastards like me really get a kick out of watching people drown for an hour and a half; watching the second half of Titanic is like visiting a water park in Baton Rouge.

The Titanic may not have been "unsinkable," but your liver is!

Anyway, let’s move to the drinking game. First of all, I feel that it’s important to explain why this movie should be approached with optimal levels of intoxication. In my personal case, it stems from the fact that when this movie was released, I was 5 years old and had 4 older sisters between the ages of 10 and 14. (Read: I have no chance at emotional stability.) Therefore, my house was the epicenter of conversations about how cute Leonardo DiCaprio was. Apparently I was the only member of my household who thought he looked like an effeminate little bitch in Titanic. But for those of us who were raised in households that weren’t conducive to self-loathing and an acute awareness of menstrual cycles, there are still reasons to flood your liver during this movie. For one thing, it’s super intellectual to draw a parallel between Jack drowning in the North Atlantic and you drowning in a pool of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Furthermore, if you’re going to spend the money to see this movie again – and by so doing, put more money into the douche-infested pockets of James Cameron – you might as well go all out. As an unfriendly and time-constrained hooker once said to me: Go hard or go home.

So, without further ado, here is the Titanic 3D drinking game. However, because of the uniqueness and importance of this movie, I have devised a drinking game for a few different scenarios in which you might be seeing it.

You’re seeing it with a group of friends: This experience should be made as heinous as humanly possible. I would actually suggest pregaming very heavily, being inappropriately drunk for the first half of the movie, and then starting to drink again during the second half to replenish. Here are some good rules for the second half of the movie:
• Drink every time someone gets in a lifeboat
• Drink every time someone drowns
• Drink every time Jack and Rose look at each other
• Drink every time you think the movie’s almost over and you’re wrong
• Waterfall for as long as the string quarter plays

"You told me you would stop masturbating at the movies..."

You’re seeing it with your girlfriend/wife: Chances are you’re being dragged along to this against your will. In that case, it may not be advisable to get too smashed, or else you’ll have to deal with all that angry girlfriend shit; “You always get drunk on our dates,” “You wouldn’t sacrifice yourself so I could have a spot on the lifeboat if we were on The Titanic,” etc. Steer clear of this whole shitfest but only getting somewhat drunk. Here are the proper rules to only achieve a partial level of inebriation:
• Drink every time Rose’s fiancée is a total sack of dicks
• Drink every time the Titanic hits an iceberg
• Drink every time women and children are given preferential treatment
• Drink every time young Rose gives you an erection and old Rose subsequently makes it go away forever

You’re seeing it alone: Waterfall from the part where it says “20th Century Fox” to the closing credits. You need it.

525,600 p-trips: A look back at Year 1 of the Shermanavian Calendar

We hear founding stories and histories almost every day – “George Washington won this battle,” “Paul Revere made that ride,” “Thomas Jefferson boinked those slaves,” etc.  But today’s founding story is something much more substantial and heroic than most.  So squeeze yourself into that zebra-print speedo, pour yourself a quad-shot of Jameson, and take a seat, because TODAY IS SHERMAN AVE’S FIRST BIRTHDAY!

Look away, Winnie the Pooh. You don't want to see this.

We all remember our first birthday.  Actually, none of us remember our first birthday, but we’ve always just assumed that it consisted primarily of cupcakes and self-defecation.  And here at Sherman Ave, we intend to celebrate our birthday in the same way.  But instead of cupcakes, we have strippers, and instead of self-defecation, we have…wait, just kidding, we will definitely have self-defecation.

However, since our readers span far and wide and not all of them can come celebrate our anniversary with us, we want to celebrate with our readers by reflecting on Sherman Ave’s first year.  Thus, without any further ado, I present to you:  An exhaustive timeline of Sherman Ave’s history!

C. 10,000 BC:  Archaeological evidence points to the first alcoholic beverages.  Although it came about several millennia before any of Sherman Ave writers squirmed out of the womb, this invention would greatly motivate, inspire, and ultimately humiliate the writing staff.

July 2, 1776:  The Declaration of Independence is signed, establishing America’s separation from the pretentious twattitude of the British Empire.  This country would go on not only to host the birth of every Sherman Ave writer (with the exception of Señorita Margarita Puñeta Fellatiata, who was obviously born in Egypt), but the core values of free speech, free press, and free heinousness would create a fostering environment for Sherman Ave.

He's wearing the Demos jersey only as an admirable form of self-discipline.

December 16, 2008:  Morton O. Schapiro is named the 16^th president of Northwestern University.  At this point, little was known about the man’s past, but the whole world would soon know of Morty’s legend: his unthinkable assortment of purple attire, his supreme lordship over the Evanston City Council, and, of course, his massive, massive dong.

October 14, 2010:  On this fateful evening in Evanston, Illinois, Ross Packingham and Evander Jones meet in a way that only true heroes do:  Drunkenly skinny-dipping in Lake Michigan and subsequently running from the police.

January 26, 2011:   Sherman Ave is founded.  What began with a review of an awesome rap hit single would soon evolve into the biggest power-trip that has graced the world since Idi-Amin was in power.

February 14, 2011:  Rebecca Black’s viral music video, “Friday,” is released on YouTube.  While the song wouldn’t go viral for a few more weeks, its existence aided and perpetuated the kind of rampant heinousness to which Sherman Ave dedicates itself.

February 21, 2011:   Professor John Michael Bailey rocks/vibrates/indefinitely turns off the Northwestern student body with a sexual demonstration involving a fucksaw.  While no member of Sherman Ave has yet been fucksawed (“yet” being the operative word – President’s Day is often a gamechanger), this incident was basically a gift to Sherman Ave, and we have made a concerted effort to reference fucksaws in every article we possibly can.

Getting fucksawed? Or having sex dreams about Sherman Ave?

March 28, 2011:  Sir Edward Twattingworth III posts an article about a recent experience encountering Our Lord and Savior Morty Schapiro in Paris.  This event would become something about which Sir T-Worth power-trips on an hourly basis.

July 1-3, 2011:  Evander Jones, Blaise Bernard, Ross Packingham, Sir Twattingworth, Ginger LeatherDream, and their friend Jessica go to Michigan to enjoy a leisurely weekend and soulful celebration of America’s independence.  What resulted from this gathering was exactly what one would expect:

• ·         A three hour time period spent heavily intoxicated in a 100-degree barn
• ·         Recreation of classic American art
• ·         A photograph of Ross Packingham and Evander Jones emulating Jack and Rose from “Titanic”
• ·         Blaise Bernard wielding a butcher’s knife and preparing dinner, despite her inability to form coherent sentences
• ·         Vomit
• ·         The emergence of the word “heinous”

Ross Packingham non-verbally proclaims his love for patriotic cookie cakes.

August 10, 2011:  Evander Jones begins the Sherman Ave Freshman Guide – a series of articles that would corrupt freshmen from all walks of life, and also (more importantly) help Sherman Ave get off the ground by appealing exclusively to an alcohol-deprived demographic.

October 25, 2011:  Generation II takes its place, as Sherman Ave brings on seven new writers.  Sadly, the writers did not know at that point that they were only entering a long and grueling initiation process which may or may not have included facial contact with a 14-inch gummy worm dildo.

January 24, 2012:  Ross Packingham and Evander Jones submit paperwork for what many call an “apartment”; the request would probably not be processed if the landlord had even the slightest notion of what is implied by “Sherman Ave Headquarters.”

Morty, Sherman Ave's communal pet.

January 26, 2012:   Sherman Ave turns one.  Not a big deal or anything.  OH WAIT, JUST KIDDING, WE’RE GOING TO BE POWER-TRIPPING RELENTLESSLY FOR ETERNITY.

Thanks for a great year, readers.  We’ll continue to supply you all with articles, as long as you continue to supply us with narcissistic validation.  Happy birthday!!!