Tag Archives: TKOE

Mayoral Sexting Scandal Strikes Evanston

29 Jul

Evanston, IL–In a shocking turn of events, embedded Sherman Ave reporters have recently uncovered that the mayor of the City of Evanston, Elizabeth Gertrude Tisdahl, has been involved in a tawdry sexting scandal with some of Evanston’s most elite and respected community members. And while much has yet to be discovered, the Pacemaker-nominated researchers at Sherman Ave have been able to access transcripts of several of the exchanges (below).

Disclaimer: The following information is not safe for work. Please proceed with caution.

Continue reading

Keg Week 2013: The Eulogy

8 Apr
Tonight, we're popping popcorn in your honor.

Tonight, we’re popping popcorn in your honor.

One week ago Sunday, The Keg of Evanston closed its doors for the very last time. Tonight we conclude our Keg Week 2013 with what may–for better or worse–be the very last article we ever post about TKOE.

At this point, more words have been spilled over that shit-hole Evanston bar than Bud Light out of a big cup. Don’t worry, this epitaph will be about as brief as a dance floor hookup, and hopefully a shade less awkward.

Think of all the geographic locations pertaining to Northwestern. The Arch. The Rock. The Frat Quad. The Black House. Willard. Searle Hall. The Lakefill. Tech. Norris. Ryan Field. The Steam Tunnels. Deering. CVS. The Howard El Stop. That One Bench You Totally Made Out On With Your PA.

Continue reading

Keg Week 2013: Evaluating Possible Kegplacements

6 Apr
All those fun Evanston bars you can't get into, and then also the Deuce.

All those fun Evanston bars you can’t get into, and then also the Deuce.

As tragic as the loss of our dearly departed TKOE is, the simple truth remains that life must go on and the hein must continue. So it is that we, a sad and weary bunch, take up the task of finding a kegplacement. Urged on by a resigned knowledge that we have no other option, and by the occasional inbox for our devoted readers asking for our help, we accept our duty and offer a guide to possible locations to fill the gaping hole in our hearts that was The Keg:

Bat 17: Well heeeellllloooooo renovation, and what beautiful timing you have. Just as our hearts were broken to pieces by Mayor Tisdaddy, Bat chose to pick them up and build them into a huge new bar area. The newly renovated Bat features wide open spaces perfect for sweaty, unconscionable grinding and maintains its excellent drink selection. Still, a couple of prohibitive factors remain, including its relatively high prices and reasonable (read: “following the law”) ID policy. On the other hand, BEER TOWERS. Continue reading

Keg Week 2013: A Review of Dinner at The Keg

4 Apr

A little over a year ago, when The Keg was first taken from us by The Unspeakables, the Sherman Ave editors made an unprecedented trip to  TKOE for dinner. The dinner was, surprisingly, generally devoid of puking sorostitutes or passed out freshmen. In fact, it was fairly delish-daddy.

With that in mind we present a totally serious review of #KegDin.

No srsly, they serve food 2.

No srsly, they serve food 2.

Service: There were literally zero other customers, probably because it was a Wednesday around 6 p.m. and not any time on a Monday or a Saturday night. Upon walking in, we looked for a waitress or waiter or server or busboy or human or dog or reptile or pile of vomit. No one. After about 30 seconds a waitress walked over and told us we “could sit wherever want.” Like all the classy joints. After that we were waited on hand-and-foot by a slightly depressing but generally acceptable 30-something woman. She brought water in the pitchers. Yeah. They use those urine-baskets for WATER. Continue reading

Keg Week 2013: The Top 10 Most Heinous Yelp Reviews for The Keg of Evanston

3 Apr

According to the online directory yelp.com, the Keg of Evanston is great for a late night and horrible for children without anything that resembles proper identification. For Sherman Ave’s ongoing celebration of Keg Week, we found the top ten yelp reviewers heinous enough to devote ten minutes of their lives to informing the greater Chicagoland area about TKOE.

10. Keg Dinner for Two
Screen Shot 2013-04-02 at 5.30.37 PM
I’ve been shut out the past two times I tried to get dinner at the Keg, and this woman who looks old enough to remember when Evanston was dry is able to enjoy a meal there that cost as much as a night at Chili’s and probably tasted like a night at Joliet Correctional Center? Fate is as fickle as a co-ed on a stripper pole.

9. Nothing but the Truth
Screen Shot 2013-04-02 at 5.30.13 PM
Too bad Tal R. confused Chet Haze for a New Trier dude.

8. ASIAN GIRL
Maybe (asian girl)
Having eaten breakfast at Plex — which must be comparable to most high-end strip club breakfast buffets — I can really identify with Isaac C. Besides, most times when I scream “ASIAN GIRL,” they either mace me or shout back “HONKY BRO.” Incidentally, how much does a cab ride cost to get from The Keg to Deering?

Continue reading

Keg Week 2013 EXCLUSIVE: Tisdahl Shut Down TKOE Because She Had “A Really Shitty Time There Once”

2 Apr

Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl confirmed Tuesday that her years-long campaign against The Keg of Evanston, which ultimately forced the legendary bar to close last month, was rooted in one bad experience she had at The Keg.

"I just wanted to get my rageface on"

“I just wanted to get my rageface on”

In an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave, Tisdahl said that The Keg “fucking sucked” and “only douchebags went there.” It all began, Tisdahl said, when she was denied entry to the bar because she was over 21. Continue reading

Keg Week 2013: A Hypothetical Timeline of Tonight At The Keg

1 Apr

Tonight is a Monday night. Not just that, it is the Monday night before a new quarter begins. This should be The Keg’s time to shine; instead, thanks to the relentless wrath of Lizzy Tizzy, there is no Keg.

But don’t think that means there is no hope! In fact, as part of our court-ordered community service for “shitting on every building at U of C” we’ve decided to run through a timeline of what tonight would have held, had TKOE been open for heinous:

Home is where the hein is.

Home is where the hein is.

9:34pm: A group of freshmen who have never been to The Keg arrive, WildCards in hand, to see what all the fuss is about. No one else is there yet. There is no doorman. “I thought this was the place to be!” exclaims one Ayers resident.

10:18pm: The popcorn machine comes to life by its own volition, signaling the beginning of Keg Monday. Employees start to trickle in and wipe up Saturday’s vomit. Continue reading

8 Keg Memes That Will Make You Nostalgic

19 Mar

Sherman Ave’s Dating Profile

14 Nov

A good profile picture should stick in peoples minds.

Haaaiii guyzz, I’m new here. And bitterly disappointed. Was anyone else under the impression that Sherman Ave was a dating site? Kept exclusively for Northwestern’s most heinous sexual predators and most socially awkward? I thought they were just really into necrophilia, seeing as they spend an awful lot of time talking about hooking up with dead historical figures.

Continue reading

New Locations for The Keg of Evanston

8 Feb

Can you fit stripper poles into Cozy Noodles?

Now that the initial shock of TKOE’s liquor license being revoked has mostly passed, the owners are probably thinking about what they should do with their lives. While fifty-cent wing Wednesdays does sound appealing, I don’t think that The Keg is going to be surviving on their lunch menu. Accordingly to the rulebook, The Keg isn’t allowed to reapply for a liquor license.

Except that all they need to do is just move to a new location and get a shiny new license! Problem solved. You just got pre-lawed. But where should the Keg’s new location be?? I have saved them the trouble of a popcorn fueled brainstorm session and narrowed it down to the four best locations to continue their crusade against Overlord Tisdahl.

Sheil Catholic Center
I’ve only been to this mysterious place once when I tagged along with the notoriously upstanding Sir Edward Twattingworth III as he gave blood. This establishment has the uneasiness of a midwestern retirement home and the excitement of Sigma Nu on a Saturday night. The clear solution to this problem is obviously big cups, popcorn, Dan Persa, and general debauchery.

Tisdahl’s Office
So Elizabeth Tisdahl, the mayor of what was formerly known as “heavanston” pre-keg shutdown, is a raging ho-bag. When Morty wanted to give every student a puppy, she stole all of his purple attire and threatened to bleach it until he cancelled all puppy-related plans. She is every iPhone bandit. She has a poster of Richard Nixon in her office. She was behind Community getting cancelled. TKOE might as well occupy Betsy’s lifeless office and add a little pizazz to her awful, popcorn-less existence.

Dance Marathon
There’s no better combination than promiscuity and charity.

That's not honey mustard on the floor...

Burger King
Count Von Tisdahl might as well have also revoked BK’s food license since without the Keg, Burger King is just that place next to Beck’s that always smells like gluttony and regret. I wonder if the owners of the most profitable Burger King in the US of A know what has just happened to their lovely establishment. Are people even going to go to BK anymore without The Keg? What will be the fate of the sassy security guard? The only way to answer these questions is obviously for The Keg to just move into BK and become a haven for overall heinousness. Can I get a shot and a big cup with those chicken fries?