Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014.

If Every NFL Quarterback Were a Star Wars Character

Epic duels, shootings in nightclubs, billions of dollars in production values, and the omnipresence of a sinister overlord who everyone agrees is a total queef sampler. The National Football League and Star Wars are more similar than meets the eye (Fuck off, Transformers). And since Roger Goodell and George Lucas are  both in the running for the title of World’s Biggest Asshat Who Ruins Everything and Cares Not for the Suffering of Concussed People (well, we nominate them if not), it’s hard not to notice other similarities in their respective beloved, addictive, trillion-dollar monstrosities.

Drama comes down to characters, and the NFL and Star Wars have both in spades (even if the drama of Star Wars mostly consists of the nebulous wet dreams of a prepubescent boy obsessed with trade negotiations and throbbing, glowing swords). And while both universes feature thousands upon thousands of characters, we viewers really only give a shit about a few of them. So, to keep things simple, we’ve taken a look just at current NFL quarterbacks to see who their Star Wars counterparts are. The results represent a disturbance in the Force, which is to say that Brady is dropping a Dooku right now and Peyton is playing like a young Jedi Master despite his frail old body and green skin. Enjoy.

How we should really celebrate Columbus Day

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, then was a huge dick

Fall is a marvelous time of the year.  The leaves fall gracefully from the trees, the colors shift from lush greens to warm reds and deep yellows, and Tony Romo throws a lot of interceptions.  But when we’re not busy picking apples, trouncing through corn mazes, and drunkenly stumbling all over the student section of college football games, we have a tendency to catch a bit of a cold.

Now, we weren’t the first people to ever catch a cold in the fall.  Back in the late 15th century, a nice Italian man named Christopher Columbus (think Silvio Berlusconi, but slightly less likely to molest your daughter) became the first second one of the first Europeans to reach what they called “The New World.”  Even though The New World is where we live today, 15th century Europe perceived it as a place of mystery and darkness, much like modern-day Detroit.  Yet, Columbus bravely led his three trusty vessels – the Nina, the Pinta, and the Black Pearl – across the wide Atlantic Ocean and arrived safely in North America.  When he got there, though, it was fall, and many of the locals fell quite ill immediately thereafter.

Today is Columbus Day.  Today is a day we set aside to commemorate and celebrate Columbus and his violent genocide contraction of syphilis status as an explorer.  But a more proper way to recognize this holiday is to go to your local pharmacy, grocery store, or back alley and get a flu shot, to make sure you don’t suffer the same inevitable fate that millions did when Columbus showed up.  So get vaccinated, cuddle up under your warmest blanket, and keep warm this fall.  Happy Columbus Day, America!