The Five Types of People in Your March Madness Pool

Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into:

My Five Favorite Bill Carmody Moments of the Past Three Seasons

Carmody, upon realizing Edzo’s is closed on Mondays.

On a scale of 1 to fired, Bill Carmody is like a fucking 12. I just needed to get that off my chest. I mean, GODDAMN was he fucked. You know that part in the first Harry Potter book when our three heroes walk in on that crazy, three-headed dog by accident? And they look up and they’re all like, “Oh, shiiit.” That’s Carmody. Except he isn’t magic and the door just locked behind him.

As an avid Carmody supporter, I really don’t want to use this space to talk about whether he SHOULD HAVE been fired. Because like lets be real boy was going to get fired. Did you watch any part of last season? No? I mean, exactly my point.

June Heinous Second-Round Results: PBR Division

Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini

Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini

Heating up!

The excellent teamwork that Darwin and Khomeini managed in the first round only increased in the second round match.  They managed to get rollbacks on multiple occasions, and Khomeini managed even to make a behind-the-back shot after getting the ball back on the table; this impressive feat was followed with a hearty “Allah ackbar!”  However, their opponents did put up a strong fight.  Jane Austen had an especially surprising game, making three of her first four cups and nearly mounting a comeback at the end (unsurprisingly, that was the first thing she ever mounted).  Unfortunately for Austen and Hitler, their team dynamic was less-than-stellar, seeing as Hitler frequently told Austen that her primary role in society was to produce strong, fit youth to strengthen the Reich.  Hitler and Austen were unable to make the comeback, losing in the end by 2 cups.  Darwin and Khomeini celebrated with an oddly well-coordinated rendition of the Thriller dance; Austen simply went to sleep and Hitler promptly shot himself in his bunker.

Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac vs. Sacagawea/Hannibal

Winner: Sacagawea/Hannibal

Am I seriously the only one who can hear the Velvet Underground playing right now?

Hannibal really delivered in this match, seeing as he made 7 cups (including the last 4).  Everyone seemed a bit uncomfortable, however, when he followed every victorious shot with “it puts the ping pong ball in the solo cup.” Sacagawea played a slightly less impressive game, but she’s a woman, so the bar’s a lot lower.  Warhol and Kerouac simply didn’t have their head in the game this time around – Kerouac’s head was probably in some fucked up world of Catholicism and drugs, while Warhol’s head was obviously up his ass.  Upon later investigations, IBPF officials discovered that Warhol and Kerouac were not drinking beer, but rather a concoction consisting of two parts cheap vodka, one part goat semen, and four parts LSD.  By the time Hannibal made the last cup, Warhol was eating a lock of Sacagawea’s hair he had cut off, and Kerouac was sending dick pics to Allen Ginsberg.  Sacagawea and Hannibal will move on to the Elite Eight, lined up against Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini.

May Heinous First-Round Results: PBR Division

Analysts are already comparing Napoleon/Columbus’ surprising defeat to the Bulls’ first-round folding.

Our analysts recap the first-round results of this year’s May Heinous tournament, starting with the Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. After four grueling beer pong matches, the teams of Warhol/Kerouac, Sacagawea/Hannibal, Austen/Hitler, and Darwin/Khomeini advance to the Sweet Sixteen, whose matches will be co-sponsored by Nutella inc. and the tourism bureau of the Syrian Arab Republic.

Now if only Warhol would get off the mescaline.

Napoleon Bonaparte/Christopher Columbus vs. Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Winner: Andy Warhol/Jack Kerouac
Napoleon unsurprisingly opens the game by forcing everyone to pour Stella Artois into chalices rather than using the traditional red solo cup, which offends Warhol’s sense of pop culture. Kerouac calms everyone down, relating the situation to some bizarre story of how he once had sex while driving on Route 66. Columbus is unimpressed. The match begins, and Kerouac easily dominates the competition, despite Warhol’s tendency to suck spectacularly. Kerouac offers to drink Napoleon’s cups for him, saying that his size puts him at a disadvantage. Napoleon yells at him, saying that he’s the average height for his time. Kerouac winks at him. Napoleon’s frustration and sexual tension with Kerouac – in addition to Columbus’s syphilis – clear the way for a Warhol/Kerouac victory.
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

“And make sure your elbow doesn’t cross over the edge of the table.”

Sacagawea/Hannibal vs. General George McClellan/Margaret Sanger
Winner: Sacagawea/Hannibal
Despite concerns that her performance would be impaired by the fact that she took three or four dozen drags from the “peace pipe” before the match, Sacagawea carried her team to victory, sinking four out of her first five shots. Hannibal also performed well, aided by the fact that he took the majority of his shots from atop an elephant (a rather peculiar loophole in the IBPF regulations). McClellan was the disappointment of the day; in an interview after the loss, he blamed his “pussy-like qualities” for his inability to make more than three cups. To no one’s surprise, Margaret Sanger was completely useless, making only one measly fucking cup. This six-cup victory should launch Sacagawea and Hannibal into the Sweet Sixteen with considerable momentum.
–Ross Packingham

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler vs. General George Patton/Al Gore
Winner: Jane Austen/Adolf Hitler
Although we here at Sherman Ave were hoping for a Gore-Patton win, popular support was (once again) not enough to help Gore or his partner against Jane Austen and the Dubya of beer pong, otherwise known as Adolf Hitler. (Can you say “inconvenient truth?!?!?” LOLOLOL.) Austen’s aggression was most likely due to Hitler’s warnings against putting themselves in a weak position, as there was “irrefutable” evidence that Gore and Patton had weapons of mass destruction. (No such weapons were ever found). Although Austen and Hitler are advancing to the next round, there is a lingering air of mistrust that may impede future success.
–Krystal

Darwin and Khomeini also intend to compete in this Summer’s Beard Olympics.

Kate Chopin/Idi Amin vs. Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
Winner: Charles Darwin/Ayatollah Khomeini
It was tough to speculate how this match was going to go, but many anticipated a strong showing from the Ugandan dictator. However, Idi Amin screwed the pooch just like he screwed his entire nation. His disappointing performance (paired with Chopin’s refusal to take a behind-the-back shot because it “perpetuates an oppressive and male-dominated society”) cleared the way for Darwin and Khomeini – a surprisingly cohesive team – to a speedy victory by a margin of 6 cups. The Evolutionist and the Revolutionist closed the game out by icing their opponents.
–Ross Packingham

May Heinous Breakdown: Keystone Light Division

Grab some stones.

Time is almost up to submit your May Heinous bracket to Sherman Ave for your chance to grasp the Morty Schapiro Cup! To compete for this vaunted prize, not to mention eternal glory, download your bracket and submit it to us at shermanave1@gmail.com. Now without further ado, here’s our preview of the Keystone Light Division that Evander Jones scrambled to put together (with the aid of Brother Jürgen) before tonight’s deadline.

Perfectly engineered to dominate the pong table.

Leonardo Da Vinci and Peter the Great
Da Vinci is among the most diversely talented humans who ever lived (second only to this guy), and archeologists have discovered entire notebooks of Da Vinci’s devoted to researching the kinematically perfect beer pong bounce shot. It has also long been rumored that Da Vinci’s The Last Supper is actually a depiction of Jesus clearing his table for a game of pong, a crucial plot point in Dan Brown’s next novel. Peter the Great, meanwhile, has been listed by reputable academic journals as one of the broist figures in history, thanks in a large part to his latent alcoholism, filicidism, and mustache. Pre-tournament polls placed the team at a close second behind rival Keystone Light Division heavyweights Hemingway and Roosevelt in the “pure man” category. Look for Da Vinci and Peter the Great to either go far in the tournament, or invent helicopters to wage a war against the Turks.
Strengths: Science, Being Russian
Weaknesses: No freshwater ports, Opus Dei
Team Cohesiveness: 8.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Mohandas Gandhi and Chief Sitting Bull
–Evander Jones

I wonder what the feather symbolizes…

Mohandas Gandhi and Chief Sitting Bull
As of press time, it remains unclear whether Gandhi and Sitting Bull will focus their efforts on sinking cups or writing open-letters protesting the lack of racial tolerance within this year’s May Heinous field of contenders. Analysts are excited to see how Gandhi’s policy of non-violent civil disobedience will mesh with Sitting Bull’s strategy of “Going Little Bighorn” on his opponents’ asses, but given both leaders’ propensity for getting assassinated, hold little hope for either. Expect Chief Bull to draw on knowledge he gained touring with Bill Cody’s Wild West Show, as Gandhi tries to force a victory by boycotting the tournament altogether.
Strengths: Crying single tears, Civil Disobedience
Weaknesses: Glasses, Bows and Arrows
Team Cohesiveness: 3/10
First-Round Opponents: Leonardo Da Vinci and Peter the Great
–Evander Jones

Hey there pretty lady.

Leon Trotsky and Sally Hemings
Leon Trotsky aka Snowball was the leader of the Russian Revolution’s Red Army until he was ousted by Stalin, that jerkface. Meanwhile, Sally Hemings gave birth to Thomas Jefferson’s children, despite the fact that she was, y’know, his slave. Um.
Strengths: Hemings will be used to the borderline sexual assault that accompanies most beer pong matches, while Trotsky was once rumored to have downed a fifth of vodka while leading the Red Army against 16 invading foreign armies.
Weaknesses: The fact that both of these people got fucked pretty hard in their lives (Trotsky in the sense that he was stabbed in the head with an icepick, and Hemings in the sense that she was literally fucked by the President) leads me to place them squarely in the category of “People Who Aren’t Badasses.”
Team Cohesiveness: 6/10. I don’t see any reason that they would disagree, except that Hemings might eventually get annoyed by Trotsky’s constant lectures about how she should lead a revolt against her masters and institute an egalitarian paradise and shut him out.
First-Round Opponents: Florence Nightingale and Pope John Paul II
–Brother Jürgen

Shawty, I roll up, I roll up

Florence Nightingale and Pope John Paul II
Florence Nightingale was famous for being really nice. She basically founded nursing. Pope John Paul II was the Pope of the Catholic Church until he died and was succeeded by a man who may have been a Nazi. During his long tenure, he helped overthrow Communism in Poland, survived an assassination attempt, and drove a Popemobile. As if that wasn’t boss enough, he is currently 2/3 of the way toward becoming a saint.
Strengths: Pope John Paul II survived an assassination attempt, which is more than his opponent Trotsky can say, and Florence Nightingale spent the majority of her life caring for wounded soldiers on gory Crimean battlefields. Their ability to win depends on whether you think their demonstrated hardness can be easily translated into alcohol resistance.
Weaknesses: Weaknesses are pretty obvious here, given that this is a beer pong contest, not a “which one of us is holier” contest. The number of combined beers drunk by this pair in their lifetimes is probably less than five.
Team Cohesiveness: 9/10. Both of these people are pretty nice and holy. I predict them getting along well, and if their ability to survive wars and revolutions develops into an ability to survive copious amounts of shitty keg beer, their chemistry will only improve.
First-Round Opponents: Leon Trotsky and Sally Hemings
–Brother Jürgen

Swag.

Ernest Hemingway and Teddy Roosevelt
Hemingway and Roosevelt bring forth even more masculinity than Chuck Norris giving the Dos Equis Man a reach-around. The resulting Norris/Equis facial would not even compare to the payoff provided by these two titans of testosterone, quite possibly the two most virile men this great nation has ever produced. Hemingway’s years of grizzly bear hunting, drinking, and misogyny have primed him for this year’s beer pong tournament, while Teddy Roosevelt remains the only American politician to not even take a shred of shit for being a progressive. Even if shot mid-game, expect the President to not only finish the game, but guzzle every remaining brew in sight.
Strengths: Graduating Oak Park River Forest High School, Wrecking Shit, Rough Riding
Weaknesses: n/a
Team Cohesiveness: 10/10
First-Round Opponents: Winston Churchill and Frida Kahlo
–Evander Jones

What were you saying about Adele?

Winston Churchill and Frida Kahlo
One continuous eyebrow says it all. These teammates have pluck, but it will probably take either a miracle or American military involvement to stave off a crushing defeat at the hands of Hemingway and Roosevelt. Churchill has famously proclaimed that his team shall “pong on the beaches, we shall pong on the landing grounds, we shall pong in the fields and in the streets, we shall pong in the hills, we shall pong in the basement of ZBT, and we shall never surrender,” but sources claim that the prime minister was “totally wasted” on scotch at the time, and promptly chundered in a wastebasket at the conclusion of his speech. Kahlo frequently attempts to use her unibrow to distract opponents, but it’s unclear how her uncompromising depiction of the female experience and form will translate into sinking cups.
Strengths: Cigars, National Resolve
Weaknesses: Polio, Unibrow
Team Cohesiveness: 3/10
First-Round Opponents: Ernest Hemingway and Teddy Roosevelt
–Evander Jones

Taken some time before compromising his soul in the 2008 election.

Thurgood Marshall and John McCain
The maverick team of Marshall and McCain are the wildcard contenders within the Keystone Light Division. Both are fighters, McCain surviving two presidential campaigns and torture at the hands of the North Vietnamese (not sure which is more taxing), while Marshall endured an equally torturous nineteen years on the Supreme Court with Justice Rehnquist. Marshall gained fame in the early 1960s as Solicitor General, arguing that rebuttal shots were a blatant violation of the equal protection clause of the 14th amendment, and McCain is a fierce proponent of beer pong finance reform, urging all beer pong hosts to limit expenditures on beer to a maximum of $15 per case. McCain has also been known to surge towards the end of his beer pong matches, usually hopeless mires of sectarian violence, in an attempt to claim victory.
Strengths: Jowls, NAACP
Weaknesses: Vetting VPs, Escaping capture
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: Isaac Newton and Leopold II
–Evander Jones

Pretty hard to believe he never got some.

Isaac Newton and Leopold II
You can’t spell “douchebag” without “chode,”* and both Newton and Leopold II are both chodes and total douchebags. Newton, for instance, not only stole the entire idea of differential calculus from Leibniz, but was extraordinarily proud to die a virgin. Leopold II of Belgium, however, was presumably too busy inventing waffles and brutally running the Congo as his own personal fiefdom/plantation to pay much attention in math class. It remains to be seen whether these two will use their pent-up sexual/racial aggression to their pong advantage, but one thing’s for certain: they’ll be total dicks about it no matter what.
Strengths: Extracting personal fortune from the natives, describing gravity and motion
Weaknesses: Getting one’s dick wet, public relations
Team Cohesiveness: 8/10
First-Round Opponents: Thurgood Marshall and John McCain
–Evander Jones

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Fun Fact: You can.

May Heinous Breakdown: Miller Genuine Draft Division

Ross Packingham owns this hat.

With less than 24 hours left until May Heinous brackets are due, our writers continue breaking down first-round matchups with today’s Miller Genuine Draft Division preview. It’s not too late to fill out your May Heinous brackets and send them in to shermanave1@gmail.com!

Shit, I’m more drunk than I thought…

Pablo Picasso and James K. Polk
Up and coming pong player and artist extraordinaire Pablo Picasso has drawn a lot of mixed criticism from this season’s staff for his unusual habit of pausing between shots to do some shrooms and paint portraits of his opponents. With two violations this past week, he’ll have to tread carefully. That said, his unorthodox play-style could go a long way towards helping his team take the win on this one, with determined Polk likely taking the cleanup role. A good way to judge Picasso’s mood is to watch what color paints he’s mixing. Hot colors means confidence, darks means he’s going into sissy-mode.  Alongside Pablo is “Old 11,” the 11th President of the USA, James Polk, who will provide a much-needed grounding for space-cadet Picasso.  A traditionalist in many ways, Polk favors a unique under-handed shooting style, something that may take opponents by surprise, scoring Polk-Picasso an early lead.
Strengths: Land theft, high tolerance for hard drugs
Weaknesses: Existential confusion, Polk’s mullet
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Slobodan Milosevic
–Dr. Tattersail

Not a great idea to claim to be “killing it” on the pong table.

Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Slobodan Milosevic
Wrinkled war criminal and ex-Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic and Spanish Dictator Francisco Franco are likely to be a strong team, given their similar backgrounds and lifestyles.  While ruthless, old boy Slobodan is also on the lazy side, (something for which the more active, forceful Franco will have compensate). Milosevic also plays reliably, and tends toward neither greatness nor inferiority. Expect a steady game from Milosevic. He won’t catch fire, but he’ll definitely sink a cup every couple rounds. If luck is with them, Franco’s spirit and will-power will rub off on Slobby, and the two could easily blaze their way to victory.  Franco is a top-tier player that will have his opponents up against the wall from the get-go, “heating up” with regularity, though he may or may not manage “fire.”
Strengths: Number of syllables in name, number of syllables in military rank
Weaknesses: Unfavorable remarks from the ICC, garnering public support
Team Cohesiveness: 8/10
First-Round Opponents: Pablo Picasso and James K. Polk
–Dr. Tattersail

Drinking gives her a “Russian Glow.”

Tsar Catherine and Hernán Cortés
Catherine the Great wasn’t given her nickname because of her beer pong prowess. Despite her numerous military victories and sweeping reforms during her thirty-four year reign in Russia, throwing a ball into a cup doesn’t come quite as naturally. Additionally, beer doesn’t sit well in the stomach of a lady from Russia, who, at any given point, has enough vodka flowing through her veins to kill a medium-sized horse. Speaking of equestrianism, Tsar Catherine is known for having an unusual interest in the lifestyles of horses. And by “unusual interest” I mean “sexual arousal.” And by “lifestyles” I mean “enormous genitalia,” and I’ll go ahead and stop there. This quirk may make for awkward side-conversations with her partner, Hernando Cortes, who enjoys a casual gallop in an entirely different way. Cortes, as most historians have documented, conquered the Aztec empire in a heated battle of beer pong against Montezuma, and is fully ready to repeat his performance. But will he be able to make up for the horse-loving, vodka-guzzling Catherine the Great?
Strengths: Resemblance to the God Quetzalcoatl, Smallpox
Weaknesses: Equestrian genitalia, reliance on serf labor
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: Aristotle and Emperor Nero
-Dominick Sackhandler

Get this: “I drink, therefore I am!”

Aristotle and Emperor Nero
Aristotle was a Greek philosopher, which by definition of the profession means he was drunk and/or high for the vast majority of his life. As such, his tolerance won’t be a problem during this match. With his wisdom and patience, Aristotle will be a key figure in his partnership with Emperor Nero, who might not have the sanity and composure to last the match. Emperor Nero of the Roman Empire was best known for being a crazy sack of shit. Nero is not known for his athleticism, and almost died when he was convinced to participate in a chariot race for the Olympic games. If he can’t drive a chariot, will he be able to sink cups? One thing’s for sure- he will do whatever it takes to win. And it’ll probably involve burning someone to death. Because that was normal for him. Did I mention he was a crazy sack of shit yet? I did? Alright, carry on.
Strengths: Violin, Metaphysics
Weakness: Physics, Fire
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: Catherine the Great and Hernán Cortés
-Dominick Sackhandler

It remains unclear how the frills around his neck will affect Shakespeare’s chugging capabilities.

William Shakespeare and Jean-Paul Sartre
Considering Shakespeare and Sartre barely made it out of the Literary Conference qualifying tournament, thanks to a few inconceivable celeb shots by Albert Camus, the two playwrights are considered the two largest underdogs in May Heinous history since the absurd, incest-riddled 1972 victory of Franz Kafka and Vladimir Nabokov. Assuming Jean-Paul Sartre can even break out of his surfeit of existentialist melancholy to listlessly toss ping-pong balls into cups of liquid languor, expect for the philosopher to go off on a depressing hour-long dissertation on how humans are stuck in a cycle of ceaseless tedium, in which “existence precedes essence” and “beer before liquor” are the precepts that govern human experience. Shakespeare, meanwhile, will most likely be far too busy devising new ways to bore the living shit out of AP English high school sophomores to contribute little more than trash talk, like referring to his opponents as “Thine gorbellied swag-bellied clotpoles” or “Saucy idle-headed ratsbane.” Sartre’s refusal of the 1964 Nobel Prize in Literature, meanwhile, puts his team at a distinct 1-0 Nobel Prize deficit against their opening round opponents.
Strengths: Greatest writer in the English language, metaphors
Weaknesses: Ennui, thirteen-year-old Capulet girls
Team Cohesiveness: 9/10
First-Round Opponents: Nelson Mandela and George Wallace
–Evander Jones

“No-tee OT now, no-tee OT tomorrow, no-tee OT FOREVER!!!”

Nelson Mandela and George Wallace
It remains unclear what twathead put one of America’s most popular racist and rabid anti-segregationist on the same team as the beloved South African president, but this will be a team with unstoppable potential if the leaders could just get over the whole “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever” thing. The two men certainly have pluck, though. When asked what political figure he most admired, Wallace immediately answered “Myself,” exactly the kind of confidence that sinks some cups. When asked about Wallace’s comment, Mandela simply smiled, pulled out his accumulated 250 awards, and reminded Wallace that only one member of their team was both elected president and portrayed by Morgan Freeman. So long as no busing is involved, this team could go far.
Strengths: Appeals for reconciliation, being a boss, appeals to alienated white voters
Weaknesses: Democratic Primaries, being a bigoted racist during desegregation
Team Cohesiveness: -5/10
First-Round Opponents: William Shakespeare and Jean-Paul Sartre
–Evander Jones

Game face.

Martin Luther and Harriet Tubman
Religious reformer Martin Luther is one of the more unpredictable characters in this tournament.  Amid concerns that he’ll spend too much time nailing documents to the beer pong table and printing out Bibles in German, there are some who think that his spiritual balance will ground the team.  His partner, Underground Railroad Conductor Harriet Tubman, is expected to be a bit of a hustler; while she may have some other things at the top of her mental agenda (like, I don’t know, maybe rescuing slaves), she is a headstrong pong player who is surprisingly good at sinking cups in the clutch.  Between Luther’s pent-up aggression toward Pope Leo X and Tubman’s pent-up aggression toward Southern white people, this team could really have some powerful energy.
Strengths: Religious well-being, mental health
Weaknesses: Disdain for well-established institutions, presumably low tolerance
Team Cohesiveness: 7.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Otto von Bismarck and Charles De Gaulle
–Ross Packingham

The ability to stab your opponent with your hat has to count for something.

Otto von Bismarck and Charles De Gaulle
German Chancellor Otto von Bismarck was one of the most skilled politicians in modern history, and it’s safe to assume that those skills apply to beer pong.  Even if he fails to make cups, this diplomatic juggernaut could easily use his persuasive skills to sabotage opponent re-racks or manage a few extra behind-the-back shots.  De Gaulle, on the other hand, brings significantly less to the table.  His military experience is effectively canceled out by the fact that it occurred in the French military, and his presidency of France had no lasting effects other than the loss of Algeria and the name of an airport.  It’s probable that whatever De Gaulle adds to the team is simply going to be dwarfed by what he detracts from it in the team dynamic – especially considering Bismarck’s well-documented hatred of the French.
Strengths: Diplomatic prowess, three-word names
Weaknesses: French heritage, Hubris-filled mustaches
Team Cohesiveness: 2.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Martin Luther and Harriet Tubman
–Ross Packingham

May Heinous Breakdown: Pabst Blue Ribbon Division

This is clearly the best possible use of everybody's time.

Yesterday, we unleashed the most heinous assault on history since the Cultural Revolution with Selection Sunday for May Heinous, our 32-team beer pong tournament featuring historical figures vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to shermanave1@gmail.com.

To further inundate educate our readers on the first-round matchups, our writers have briefly skimmed Wikipedia tirelessly researched the opening round contenders to provide an extensive breakdown of each team of historical figures. We hope our bracketology aids you in your quest for the perfect bracket. Tonight: The Pabst Blue Ribbon Division.

He also hopes to distract opponents with his pronounced moose knuckle.

Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
Napoleon might be a quality partner, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a humongous temper and is paired with a pompous dickwaffle that won’t shut up about discovering the “new land,” which we interpret as the female body (let’s be real, Napolean isn’t tapping Sacagawea tonight).
Christopher Columbus is a Genoese asshole who thinks that just because you’re a celebrity means you get to sail your ship into any damn harbor. This bitch would love to colonize your room tonight, so don’t plan on sleeping in your own bed.
Strengths: Intimidation, Strategy
Weaknesses: General douchebaggery, bad tempers
Team Cohesiveness: 2/10
First-Round Opponents: Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

I refuse to play by the rules you have traditionally set to govern celeb shots.

Andy Warhol and Jack Kerouac
American pop-Art founder Andy Warhol really shouldn’t be in a beer pong tournament unless it involves nude models, Marilyn Monroe, and Campbell’s soup cans. I don’t suspect he’ll be any good at taking shots and he’ll probably refuse to conform to established norms regarding re-racks.  Beatnik writer Jack Kerouac, having played football at Columbia, might actually bring some amount of athleticism to this team, but will probably lose on purpose just so that he can drink himself into enough of a stupor to allow his suppressed homosexuality to come out. Watch out, Martin Luther!
Strengths: Kerouac’s athleticism, Warhol’s re-racks (who knows how to shoot a ping pong ball into a zebra shaped arrangement of cups?)
Weaknesses: A closeted gay man paired with a homosexual icon, Warhol’s supreme lack of athleticism
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Napoleon Bonaparte and Christopher Columbus
–Professor J. Reginald Vandernips

If he had the balls to pull off elephants, who knows what will happen on a redemption shot.

Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
While most claim that Sacagawea was a translator for Lewis and Clark and whatnot, we all know she was there as a sexual release (real talk). Hannibal is considered one of the greatest military strategists, but I can’t get past the fact that his name reminds me of Hannibal Lecter. In any case, this team is bound to accomplish some crazy shit. Hannibal is a boss and can strategize better than most other teams, while Sacagawea can use her long hair and Native American language to distract the other team. She can also throw gold dollar coins bearing her face at opponents (I’m sure those hurt). However, the language barrier may prove problematic when it comes to re-racking and shit-talking.
Strengths: Navigation, Elephants
Weaknesses: Communication, Avalanches
Team Cohesiveness: 7/10
First-Round Opponents: General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Pongs pretty hard with his PIKE brothers on weekends.

General George McClellan and Margaret Sanger
General George McClellan was a sub-par general who tried to oppose Lincoln in an election.  Who the fuck does that?! Margaret Sanger established Planned Parenthood and was a birth control activist (SUCK IT, RUSH LIMBAUGH!). Things for this team could go either way. McClellan surely won’t bring much to the table, yet Sanger is a boss and could potentially put the team on her back.  McClellan can’t really think on his feet, and often receives criticism for not utilizing every shot he’s allowed to take. However, McClellan might just be able to keep it together in the long run, or at least for as long as Sanger needs to kick ass and take names.
Strengths: McClellan’s mustache, the team’s combined prissiness
Weaknesses: Lack of strategic insight, low tolerance
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Sacagawea and Hannibal Barca
–Petunia Cracksparkler

Hitler displays his killer follow through.

Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
Jane Austen: Badass novelist of realist romantic fiction. Adolf Hitler: extreme asswipe and former dictator of Nazi Germany. This was either a match made in heaven, or the wet dream of a heroin addict living in the Lower West Side who fell asleep while watching reruns of The Jetsons. While Hitler will surely bring a high level of determination and aggressive effort to the team, the duo’s success may be compromised by Jane’s likely efforts to undermine her misogynistic partner and general IDGAFing.
Strengths: Makings pacts, breaking pacts, Mr. Darcy
Weaknesses: Fan-section mostly limited to skinheads marching through Skokie and aging housewives
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: General George S. Patton and Al Gore
–Krystal

BOSS AS FUCK

General George S. Patton and Al Gore
General George S. Patton, known for his strong leadership of the United States Third Army during World War Two, pairs up with Al Gore, former future POTUS, in what should be an interesting game against Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler. The Patton-Gore team will bring bold and relentless efforts to the competition, but Gore’s flip-flopping tendencies could lower the pair’s chances of seizing victory over Austen and Hitler. Expect for Patton to make Der Führer become Der Fürious with repeated mentions of the Invasion of Normandy.
Strengths: The Popular Vote, being the greatest general in history
Weaknesses: The Electoral College, Car Crashes
Team Cohesiveness: 6/10
First-Round Opponents: Jane Austen and Adolf Hitler
–Krystal

Wait, this is the bitch who wrote "The Awakening!?"

Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
Feminist writer Kate Chopin is not what you’d call an “MVP Contender” in this year’s tournament.  It’s not that she doesn’t have the potential for mediocrity, but rather that she’s too busy writing shitty novels about her white girl problems to invest anything into the game.  Idi-Amin provides an interesting complement to Chopin.  This Ugandan dictator is probably not used to being denied anything at all, let alone a measly beer pong victory.  This team’s only chance to win will be if Idi-Amin’s determined attitude can motivate Ms. (or Mrs.?  Then again, who gives a fuck) Chopin to get her head in the game.  Otherwise, this team doesn’t pose too much of a threat.
Strengths: Absolute power, “underdog” factor
Weaknesses: Power-trip-induced delusion, Kate Chopin
Team Cohesiveness: 4/10
First-Round Opponents: Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
–Ross Packingham

He said we're derived from WHAT???

Charles Darwin and Ayatollah Khomeini
If this tournament has a wildcard team, it’s these crazy fuckers; one sports analyst calls them the most eclectic team since the legendary Deng Xiaoping/Patrick Henry combo in 1995.  Charles Darwin should make a pretty large contribution to this team — the guy can probably hold his liquor pretty damn well.  You really think he spent all that time on the Galapagos Islands just watching animals and shit? Nah, the guy was drinking Kahlua out of turtle shells.  Ayatollah Khomeini should also be a strong player, but in a different way.  His lack of experience drinking alcohol could be an obstacle, but he’s also very strong-willed and imposing, which can really go a long way.  This firecracker of a team could really go either way; it should be really interesting.
Strengths: Coups, Sea travel
Weaknesses: Khomeini’s low tolerance, Darwin’s unpopularity with religious conservatives
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: Kate Chopin and Idi-Amin
–Ross Packingham

May Heinous: Selection Sunday

Here at Sherman Ave, history runs almost as deep as rampant xenophobia. Now, it is with great pride and joy that we introduce to you, dear loyal reader, the first inaugural May Heinous beer pong tournament.

Featuring 64 of world’s finest historical figures vying for the ultimate prize, the prestigious Morty Schapiro Cup, May Heinous is the world’s first and foremost beer pong tournament comprised solely of the various notables you defaced in your AP Euro textbooks. Randomly paired into 32 teams and assigned to one of four divisions — named after official Sherman Ave endorsed beverages — each historical figure will be challenged to demonstrate the finesse, grace, accuracy, strategy and alcohol tolerance necessary to advance to immortal glory.

In the spirit of popular democracy that most of these historical figures fought to advance, and a few sought to violently suppress, we at Sherman Ave are also exceptionally proud to announce the first-ever May Heinous tournament pool. Any reader irreverent enough to complete a May Heinous bracket and send it in to us at shermanave1@gmail.com is welcome to compete for the Morty Schapiro Championship cup, a Sherman Ave-licensed limited-edition t-shirt, and a hug.

The vaunted Morty Schapiro Cup.

Sherman Ave writers have been hard at work, tirelessly composing comprehensive breakdowns of each team’s beer pong strengths, weaknesses, and team cohesion, which shall be released throughout the week. Think of it like NCAA basketball bracketology, but without the existentialist angst and douchey commentators on ESPN.

To review: Download the bracket HERE. Complete it by copy and pasting whichever teams you think shall emerge victorious. Send it to shermanave1@gmail.com. Stay tuned to our coverage of the May Heinous tournament. Win eternal fame and glory and biddies.