How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

(via ibtimes.co.uk)

Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably

Man Waiting by Mailbox for Check from Esurance

Halloran, conveniently photographed as he was checking his mailbox from the inside of his mailbox.

Northville, MI – Local man Brian Halloran, 34, as of 8:37 AM today, has been anxiously waiting by the mailbox in front of his apartment complex, expecting to receive an immediately-cashable check from insurance company Esurance.

“They said on ad I get money,” Halloran remarked. “I like money.  I want money.  If I wait here, I get money.  Want money now.”

Esurance, a company that sells car insurance, made national waves when they ran an ad immediately following yesterday’s Super Bowl, promising to give away $1.5 million to a random twitter user, provided the user tweeted the hashtag “#EsuranceSave30.”

Halloran was one of the 25 million twitter accounts to do so, each of which tweeted the hashtag an average of two times, making the total number of #EsuranceSave30 tweets total 50,000,000.

“I win money,” he said to himself at 9:29, 10:16, 11:53, 1:44, 3:20, and 5:02 today. “Win money get happy.  Esurance and Jim Halpert give me money.  I like money now.”

Halloran’s odds to win the $1.5 million, which would most likely be less than half that amount when adjusted for taxes, are 0.00000002%.

Amanda Bynes: Master Troll

Troll

Do you ever think about the celebrity infatuation that exists in this county?

The generous amount of on-air time spent covering the Hollywood aristocracy would make any publicity-seeking radical weep into their manifestos. This is especially true with the celebrity meltdown, the fall from grace which has become a parody of itself. The drugs, the denials, the arrests, it has all become so cliché that you need to spice it up nowadays if you want attention (e.g. with racism, animal abuse, revanchism, etc.).

How To Announce That You’re Awesome: The Code of Conduct for self-promotion of job/internship/higher education acceptance

Fuck Yale.

My mom asks me, every fortnight or so, what I’m doing next fall. Of course, she knows what I know, which is that I don’t know. She asks anyway. Everyone asks all the time if I know what I’m doing next fall. Isn’t it enough that I’m about to graduate? No. It’s never enough. Doing the college is never enough.

But everyone else seems to have something to do, and it’s that time of year when everyone is announcing to everyone else that they’re just so talented that they’ve managed to secure that job or internship that had really long odds. Like, a Midwesterner-getting-into-Yale long odds. Fuck Yale.

Why Chet Haze is a Taint-Strudel

Now originally I had written a nice article exploring Chet’s recent tweets of his shirtless body and the mostly naked girl in the fuzzy background. I was totally set to make fun of him until I found this tweet stuck amongst his softcore porno instagrams:

I thought to myself, “Hey, is Chester M. Hanks being a nice guy, tolerant and supportive like his father?”

Then I realized I was talking about Chet Haze and the fact that he was just trying to boost his ego with pictures of his half-naked self to get followers. Apparently some Brazilians and Venezuelans are following him too, but the truth lies in the NU girls following him. Why are they doing it? “To see all the dumb shit he posts” is a pretty common answer by far. His pictures certainly beg for the attention of anyone posting in reddit.com/r/amisexy, and he certainly didn’t stop with the douche-mongering last Monday.

With hashtags like #kinetik (constantly plugging his management group, whose only real star is Chet himself) and #i<3ChetHaze (which doesn’t tag because of the inequality sign—awkward…), and the shame of not even being followed on twitter by his own father, Chet HAD to do something more to get followers.

So this happened:

And then this happened:

And then this happened:

It continues, but let’s not get too entrenched in his bizarre Evangelism. Before you get all crazy on me, I identify as a religious Catholic. But I also think tolerance is good and that there is a time and a place and twitter is NEVER the place to try some Evangelism, especially when you do nothing but contradict the shit out of yourself every day. Chet Haze has written NUMEROUS tweets about having sex, drinking, “getting wit the ladies,” and more. Sure, sex is fine, but I’m pretty sure Atheists have their own reasons for being so, and it’s just a rude thing to say that they are destroying society.

If anything Chet, you’re destroying life. Evangelism, last time I checked, isn’t supposed to involve calling people “Fucking fool[s].” Right now, you’re about as Evangelistic as Westboro Baptist, and those guys are incredible taint-strudels.

Then this happened:

Now, at first this seems like nothing, logical even, except that this is a misinterpretation of the bible. This idea comes from the verse about a sheep/lamb being led to the slaughter and opening not his mouth. I believe it’s from Isaiah 53, which is the 3rd Messianic oracle in the prophet Isaiah’s book in the old testament. That line is describing JESUS, the suffering servant. So in fact, you’re just being a lard-ass, because JESUS WAS THE SHEEP. YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT CHET. GO TO BED. (<– more about that in a bit.)

So the preaching self-righteous tweets went on for a while and then this happened:

Really? REALLY???

Then:

So Halima simply said “go to bed.” Good job at taking THAT tweet over the edge. And really? Lukewarm Mass of Mediocrity? Hardly. In fact, can we get that shit trending in the Chicago area? That would be great. Also, 15 hours ago would’ve been 2 am. You SHOULD go to bed. But then again, Chester, you were writing a 9 page paper for your Humanities 260 course with Morson and Morty. The same class that you sent out this email to the entire student attendance:

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

But then you realize, this has ALL been because C. Marlon Hanks decided that writing this 9-page paper has changed his life! You know why? He’s writing a paper comparing different translations of the Cain and Abel story. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CLERGYMAN.

Then:

I KNOW THIS GIRL. THAT IS SARCASM YOU FUCK.

THEN THIS. THIS IS THE GOLD:

NO, YOU SOUR ASS MOTHERFUCKER. GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSITY. YOU ARE NOT A NERD, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO HASHTAG THAT. YOU ARE UP THIS LATE BECAUSE YOU ARE PROCRASTINATING. YOU ARE NOT A NERD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WRITING THIS OF YOUR OWN VOLITION. YOU HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE IT IS A FUCKING PROMPT. AS IN YOU WERE GIVEN TWO OR THREE CHOICES AND THIS IS THE SHITSTAIN YOU PICKED. GET THE FUCK OUT CHET HAZE.

I just want everyone to know that this is a $4.95 copy of a paperback bible that Chet only had to purchase because the class required it, which means his “Pray Everyday” shit has only been going on since the beginning of Winter quarter. You’re a really big spender, aren’t you.

YOU’VE BEEN CHET HAZED!