How to Deal with Your Family This Holiday Season

With winter break upon us, many of us will be back at home spending time with our families. To some of us, this sounds like a great chance to reunite with the people you love the most. However, to many of us, this is a nightmarish scenario that you have dreaded since you left for school. Have no worries, we here at Sherman Ave are ready to guide you through interactions with every family member this holiday season (And by “holiday season,” I really mean Christmas, because Hanukkah is over and there has yet to be sufficient proof that Kwanzaa exists).

Ugh. These assholes.

Dad

What to expect: You know he’s going to be an asshole from the get go. He will be asking questions about your grades before he says hello. That’s just his style. The trick here is not giving away that you regularly sleep until 1 pm and don’t go to most of your classes. If you keep the jig up, he might just keep paying for tuition.

Make sure to say: “It’s like a common Northwestern practice to drop two classes.”

Mom

A Thanksgiving Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Well it’s that time of year again. The time where you get to spend time with those members of your extended family who you secretly despise, and slowly commit a food-induced suicide attempt as you eat three times your body weight in stuffing and cranberry sauce. However, just because you find yourself in that sweet, sweet afterglow that only animalistic sex comfort food can bring, does not mean that the other dangers of the world have gone away. I am talking, of course, about the ever-present possibility of a Zombie apocalypse.

A Comprehensive Guide to Men’s Bathroom Etiquette

There’s a right time and a wrong time to discuss the pee pee shivers.

If you have a Y chromosome and have ever been stricken with the urgent need to urinate in Midway International Airport, then you would probably agree that the state of men’s bathroom etiquette in the United States is alarming.  Even in the 21^st century, urinalgoers and toiletsitters still routinely disregard the fundamental principles of propriety and respect in the bathroom, resulting in a horrifying number of unwanted junk viewings and uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  In a desperate effort to rectify this social epidemic (henceforth referred to as “The Great Discomfort”), we here at Sherman Ave have developed a comprehensive guide to bathroom etiquette.

Part I: When and how did The Great Discomfort originate? 

            Many trace The Great Discomfort back to the New Deal under President Roosevelt in the 1930s.  One agency created was the Public Works Administration, which was responsible for, well, public works, including many public buildings large enough to necessitate large public bathrooms.  We’re not really sure how this developed into today’s current predicament, but we generally like blaming problems on large government programs and bureaucratic expansion, because of the logic.

Part II: Who is responsible for The Great Discomfort?

            Although social scientists, cultural anthropologists, and ethnographers have spent decades discussing the finer nuances of these wiener-displaying culprits, the answer is really pretty simple: Old people.  Indeed, the most gruesome perpetrators of the Great Discomfort are typically old men who trounce through public bathrooms, trying to make small talk and making no attempt to shield your eyes from their wrinkly, wrinkly manbags.  Here are some of the most common characteristics of the old people who will make your bathroom experience more uncomfortable than that time you watched the rock opera Tommy with your estranged uncle:

• AARP membership
• Florida license plate
• Pocketful of Werther’s wrappers
• Copy of “The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw
• Tendency to loudly announce snap judgments about minorities
• A “Thurmond-Wright ‘48” pin on his knapsack

Of course, America’s grave-fillers aren’t the only ones capable of generating bathroom awkwardness.  Other renowned etiquette-violators include well-meaning janitors, pants-dropping children, and gay-bashing senators.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you had to watch the Cubs piss away another afternoon.

Part III: Where is The Great Discomfort most volatile?

            As you may have guessed, The Great Discomfort is most potent in public environments.  With the exception of those times years ago when your father kicked down the door while you were peeing and fired off two dozen Roman Candles to threaten you into trying out for the football team instead of auditioning for the local productions of Cats, almost all negative bathroom experiences occur in some kind of public setting and stem from other people being heinous.  Even so, some public places seem to attract the uncomfortable bathroom crowd.  Listed below are some of the most notable hotspots for toilet creepers*.

• Baseball games.  Setting aside the crowd of drunken overweight 30-somethings who are still trying to relive their glory days playing 3^rd base for Boise North High School, the urinal troughs create a toxic environment (literally and figuratively) for bathroom-goers seeking peace and quiet.  You’d think that in a society so focused on individual rights, we wouldn’t all have to piss in the same damn basin like a bunch of mangy socialist taintlords.
• Airports.  Just because you aren’t fellating Larry Craig doesn’t mean that you’re home free.  Airport bathrooms are grotesque because they combine the feel of a high-stress environment (businessmen hurrying to their flights, children hurrying to the shitty airport store, pilots hurrying to get moderately intoxicated at the airport bar) with a crowd of people in travel mode (read: That guy who brushes his teeth in the airport bathroom).  The result is a violent collision of cultures, which inevitably translates to – you guessed it – awkwardness in the bathroom.
• Truck Stops.  For a second, we can ignore the fact a truck stop bathroom is dirtier than the International Mud Wrestling Convention held in Mumbai; the discomfort stems only partially from the inherent dirtiness of the bathroom.  What is even deadlier is the clash of the trucker, who traditionally views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 15-minute escape from the endless yellow lines of I-80, and the standard driver or passenger, who views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 20-second sacrifice to avoid a urinary tract infection.

Target practice.

Part IV: How can The Great Discomfort be curbed?

            After hours of pain-staking research and heated discussion, we have deconstructed the problem at hand and divided it into a handful of simple and digestible tips (no pun intended?) on how to avoid flagrant violations of bathroom etiquette.

• Minimize conversation.  There is a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for small talk is at church picnics and Starbuck’s service counters.
• Minimize awkward conversation.  It’s one thing to talk about the weather to a dude while he’s deflating his pelvic panther, but it’s another to ask him about his ailing grandmother.  There is really just a very limited selection of appropriate conversations that can occur between two men holding their porkswords.
• Minimize grunting.  For fuck’s sake, this isn’t a women’s tennis match.  No one wants to be in the bathroom at the same time as the guy whose defecation process is so intense that it necessitates sound effects comparable to Chewbacca being fisted by King Kong.
• Wash your hands.  This shouldn’t require much explanation.  If you just peed in a urinal, then you just touched your glorystick, which means you should wash your hands.  I’m looking at you, hippies.
• Eyes ahead.  There is nothing more awkward than someone peeing at a full row of urinals whilst aggressively staring at the person to his left or right.  I’d rather have the Eye of Sauron watch me empty the steel eel than have the Eye of Creepy Tall German Guy watch me whip it out.  YES, GERMANS.  I’M CALLING YOU OUT.
• Wait to whip.  Among the most atrocious bathroom crimes is the “Early Exposure,” or the act of completely whipping out your dick before even reaching a urinal.  It is incredibly traumatizing to finish a good piss, turn around to wash your hands, and be accosted by a random dude’s shlong.  Seriously, it’s horrifying, unnecessary, and impossible to unsee, much like the movie “Deliverance.”
• Execute Proper Urinal Placement.  This is the trickiest of these tips to master, because there is truly a science behind urinal placement.  Essentially, this is the rule of thumb: Always attempt to leave at least one urinal between yourself and the nearest bathroom-goer.  Above all, don’t be the guy that bypasses an entire row of empty urinals to occupy the urinal adjacent to the only other occupied urinal.  Just don’t do it.  It’s really hurtful and often leads to severe emotional distress.

So, men of the world, take heed.  With proper attention and care, this social crisis can be corrected.  With each drop of golden elixir that you excrete from your bodies, you have the opportunity to be a catalyst for progress.  Never forget that just one person can make a difference, even if it’s something as small as refraining from asking an adjacent bathroom-goer what he thinks of 50 Shades of Grey.

*Yes, Toilet Creepers was the name of my band in high school.  Those days are behind me, despite the fact that our hit single “Snake Jelly on my Fingertips” would have easily gone platinum had it gotten better exposure.
To purchase your very own Mayor Tisdahl Urinal Cake, LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!!!

Hate a Random Country: Kyrgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan: a geographical AND linguistic bitch

You’ve all experienced it. It’s 3:30am on a Saturday, you’re more plastered than an ex-convict uncle at an open-bar wedding reception, and you’re staring with insurmountable anguish at Sporcle’s “Countries of the World” quiz as the clock ticks down to 00:00 with all but one country entered. The moment of despair strikes when the missing country flashes on the page: Kyrgyzstan.

“MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A SHITCLOWN IN MY ASSHOLE!”

It’s a sad day for our society when hundreds of dollars in furniture damage can be attributed to the unreasonable spelling of one measly fucking nation. Not even a nation –- a “stan.” Indeed, the word “Kyrgyzstan” can only have been produced by a bowl of alphabet soup special-ordered by Helen Keller. And if that isn’t atrocious enough, the only redeeming value in Kyrgyzstan’s name –- the disgustingly high Scrabble score it would yield –- is canceled out by Scrabble’s unthinkably heinous “no proper noun” rule (I’m still bitter about that time I could have played “Kiribati”…fuckers). Kyrgyzstan is a haven for all things contemptible; the life-ruining spelling of the country is only the tip of the iceberg.

Nothing compares to the bitter Kappa Delta-Kyrgyzstan rivalry, not even the infamous Tri Delt-Pakistan decade-long feud

Kyrgyzstan’s sports culture, or lack thereof, is just as horrendous as the country’s use of 8 consecutive letters without a true vowel. Let’s start with the 2010 Olympics –- Kyrgyzstan sent a whopping TWO competitors (one for each letter in the country’s name worth 5 or more points in Scrabble) competing in three events. Of those three events, there was a “Did Not Qualify,” a “Did Not Finish,” and a “76th place.” Kyrgyzstan, for fuck’s sake, are you serious? Your athletic abilities are being scrutinized by a Northwestern student right now; that’s about as rough as it gets. If by some stroke of confused magic, the Kyrgyzstani National Soccer team was lined up against, I don’t know, let’s say the Kappa Delta Intramural Soccer team, the Kyrgyzstanis would certainly be the underdog. To add to the sad stature of their sporting lifestyle, it should be noted that one of the most popular up-and-coming sports in Kyrgyzstan is a game called “Bandy” –- a game which, judging from its half-assed Wikipedia page, appears to be some mixture of soccer, ice hockey, and sexually frustrated middle-aged men. Don’t get me wrong, though; to Kyrgyzstan’s credit, they did win two medals (not gold, of course) in 2008 in Greco-Roman Wrestling. So if you’re ever in a situation where you’re wrestling with someone but not allowed to attack the legs, know that if your opponent is Kyrgyzstani, your chances of winning the fight are very slightly diminished.

The hottest woman in Kyrgyzstan

Let’s turn this conversation to a lighter topic: Sex crimes. One very prevalent issue in Kyrgyzstan is “bride kidnapping,” in which a man abducts the woman whom he would like to marry. Studies show that approximately half of all marriages in Kyrgyzstan are a byproduct of bride kidnapping, or ala kachuu (which literally translates to “to take and to flee”). This clearly stems from a misunderstanding; what we call “bride kidnapping” is what Kyrgyzstanis call “chivalry.” Kyrgyzstani men merely want to save their future spouse the stress of one of those notoriously gaudy Kyrgyzstani weddings.

While we’re on the topic of customs and celebrations in this steaming shitwaffle of a nation, we might as well talk about the primary Kyrgyzstani holiday: Nowruz. Recognized on the spring equinox, the holiday centers around a game called Buzkashi, in which grown men literally ride around a field on horses trying to pick up a goat carcass off the ground. Essentially, it’s Central Asian Quidditch. However, don’t get Buzkashi confused with Kokpar, another regional sport that involves riding on horses and carrying around goat carcasses.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with Kyrgyzstan?