Study: No One Cares What Your Boyfriend Got You for Valentine’s Day

ANN ARBOR, MI— Researchers at the University of Michigan concluded on Friday morning that no one gives a shit what your boyfriend got you for Valentine’s Day.

Results of the study indicated that 48% of those surveyed didn’t give a shit, 3% had received better gifts from their boyfriends or husbands or generous casual hook ups and didn’t give a shit, and the other 49% were just dudes who didn’t give a shit.

University of Michigan Researchers were prompted to carry out this study after social media caused a dramatic rise in people’s perceptions that their friends, co-workers, and that guy they have a class with so they friended him on Facebook actually give a shit what presents their boyfriend got them for Valentine’s Day.

“It’s official: I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world! Best Valentine’s Day Ever.”

This study debunked that myth, proving that a “like” on an online photo has little to no correlation with whether or not the “liker” actually gives a shit.

“We hope the results of this study will be eye opening,” Head Researcher Michael Brown said. “Our goal was to drop the amount of Facebook uploads and Instagrams of flower bouquets and giant teddy bears and expensive fondue dinners by 80%.”

Brown said the next item on the agenda is a comprehensive analysis of whether or not making a PicStitch for your friend’s birthday actually indicates that you are good friends.

Graduating High School Senior Writes Hand-Written Love Letter to Crush

Lavecki included, along with the letter, the above photo of the sun rising over Lake Michigan, with the caption “one of us is the sun, one the city.”

GROSSE POINTE, MI – With only a few weeks before he is set to begin a new life at college, recently graduated high school senior Michael Lavecki has decided to “go for broke” with his long time crush Jessica Peterson-Caruso – by writing for her a hand-scribed, deeply confessional letter, detailing the vast array of feelings he has and has had for her for the last four years of his life.

“After this, dude, things are gonna be totally different,” he commented. “After she reads this letter, she’s finally gonna realize that what she’s wanted has been in front of her all along.”

A Northwestern Student’s Guide to the University of Michigan

It’s great! To be! Anything that isn’t a Michigan Wolverine!

I have a terrible confession to make.

With our newly-ranked (again) Wildcats about to take on the Wolverines of the University of Michigan this coming Saturday, I need to tell the world something, lest I regret my silence.

I am a native of Ann, Arbor, Michigan, the hometown of our upcoming opponent.

Shocking, I know.  Disgraceful.  It is enough to make a man vomit; hell, I’m vomiting right now.  But living in Ann Arbor for 18 long years has given me interesting insight into Ann Arbor, and by relation, UMich (or as Ann Arborites call it, U of M).  Therefore, let me try and prime you with all the information about “The Harvard of Southeast Michigan’s Central Part” you need to know and that other “news” sources won’t tell “you”.  In no real order:

1. As previously mentioned, the University of Michigan’s most well-known and populated campus is located in Ann Arbor, Michigan.  Because of its academic nature, its heavy sense of culture and its relatively low unemployment rate (5.3%, compared with Michigan’s 9.3%), Ann Arbor is often considered Michigan’s “best” city.  This is equivalent to being the meth addict with the “best” set of teeth, or the guy who is the “best” at making sculptures out of horse shit.  To Ann Arbor, the state of Michigan is like that one guy you know who buys alcohol for you (if you are underaged (by the way you shouldn’t drink if you’re underage.  It’s illegal you know.)):  he’s overweight, he never buys enough, and when he does, its Skol, but you need him because at least he supplies something, and he’s fun to be around for the first few drinks, before he breaks your lamp and says he can’t replace it because he’s out of money.  Also he has no qualms with banging your girlfriend while you solemnly drink a vodka-coke and cry tears of defeat. 
2. 

   Gerald Ford, a notable Michigan alum and probably the worst president of the 20th century.

   Ann Arbor residents know they’re better than everyone at everything ever.  Whether it’s using their $50,000 art degrees to make lattès at one of Ann Arbor’s 74 disheveled, hipster coffee houses/vegan restaurants; acting like they know a lot about politics/the plight of the working class because they grew up in the “bad” part of Ann Arbor (their parents were only general physicians, not surgeons); or shoving their heads up their own asses; Ann Arborites excel at every venture they try.  Especially writing humorous articles for college-based news parody websites.

3. This strong feeling of culture and diversity oozes in to Ann Arbor’s most visible possession, U of M.  The school’s colors are blue and yellow – oh wait, I’m sorry, I meant “maize and blue,” as the U of M faithful call it.  Good choice, guys.  Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of your opponent like a freshly picked ear of maize, or corn, as normal people call it.  You probably should’ve gone further and made your colors maize and blueberry.  Not only are you pretending to be vegetarians (another Ann Arbor pastime), but you’re also high in fiber and vitamin C.  We should adopt the same ideals at Northwestern, really; I’d be totally down to say that my school’s colors are white and eggplant.
4. Michigan’s school mascot is the wolverine, a smallish, bear-like animal that is commonly seen around the Ann Arbor area.  Actually, wait, scratch that – the closest wolverines are fucking 500 miles away in the Upper Peninsula!  (They also apparently live in Alaska and Siberia; in other words, natural selection is just begging for us to let them die.)  Even if Michigan’s over-vexed founders knew basic geography, it still doesn’t excuse them from choosing such an underwhelming mascot.  I mean, look at them.  They look like slightly-less pathetic weasels.  Also, have you seen X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  I rest my case.  They should’ve been the Michigan Cyclopses instead…although I guess that’s equally as pathetic.

I hope this has helped you understand why Ann Arbor is such a miserable place.  However, if you still need more, convincing, I’ll just leave this here and let you watch the typical U-M student’s vilely sloppy nature.  Could we possibly out-class them anymore?  Actually, yes.  We probably could.  It wouldn’t be that hard.   (Hashtag) Get Fucked, Michigan.

-Prince Giblets

Shurned Out: Riding the Bubble at Northwestern

Apparently he didn’t appreciate the five-foot pictures of his face in the crowd.

Last Saturday, John Shurna broke Northwestern’s career scoring record, surpassing Billy McKinny‘s 1,900 career points with a three-pointer against Minnesota. Last weekend I set a career personal high score of 18,310 points in BrickBreaker, but nobody made much of a fuss about it.* Or even a t-shirt.

As Northwestern basketball fans are starting to realize, life on the bubble of the NCAA tournament is a lot like what I’m assuming drunk sex with your pledge wife would be like: you hold your breath and hope that everything magically falls into place to bring about a wondrous sensation you’ve never felt before, but you’re really just waiting for something to go horribly awry and inevitably ruin everything you hold dear. There will probably be a lot of crying in the end no matter what.