The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview. Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.
“I’m allergic to cats.”
Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?
Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?
Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.
Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.
Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?
Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.
Packingham: Like a Budweiser?
Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading →
Able to kill a man with just the touch of his beard
In an effort to solidify rebel control over Libya, NATO leaders announced early this morning that they would send Northwestern President Morton “Morty” Schapiro into the volatile African nation in an effort to capture Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi.
Although Dr. Schapiro was not available to comment due to a rumored chess-boxing match against Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, NATO officials expressed their confidence that the grizzled superhero of Evanston could bring the Libyan dictator to justice.
Admiral Giampaolo Di Paola, Chairman of the NATO Military Committee, praised Morty Schapiro — who can name all 31 alternate spellings of the Colonel’s name in 23 seconds — as, “The greatest hope for the Libyan rebellion since the beginning of NATO involvement. At first we considered hunting down Qaddafi with NATO intelligence, reconnaissance assets, and air power, but then we were like
‘Ah, fuck it. Why spend billions of dollars trying to find one measly psychopathic tyrant in the godforsaken desert when we could just send in the single most feared and respected man in the planet to get the job done?”
Military experts around the world have voiced their support for calling in the greatest tactical weapon the United States has possessed since the development of nuclear weapons.
Upon hearing the news, Colonel Qaddafi peed himself. Twice.
“Once Morty’s combat boots hit the ground in Libya, I’d give Qaddafi about 20 minutes until he meets his demise at the sturdy hands of Northwestern’s fierce commander,” said United States Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, adding, “President Obama and I also have complete faith that Morty will be able to consolidate rebel control over the rest of Libya, set up a stable transitional government in Tripoli, bring freedom of speech to China, improve the American credit rating to an AAAAAAAAAAA+++++++++++ rating, and seduce the entire U.S. Women’s national soccer team before returning home Sunday evening to prepare for the coming school year.”
The NATO announcement also served as a significant morale boost for rebel troops. “Aw HELLZ YEAH!” proclaimed rebel leader Mahmoud Jabril. “We have heard of this man’s deeds all the way in Benghazi. Is it really true that he once arranged a packet full of M&Ms in alphabetical order?”
This will not be the first time that Morty has been deployed to bring peace and justice to the world. Previous missions involving the rugged university President include commanding the SEAL Team Six unit that launched a successful raid on Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan, invading the island nation of Grenada in 1983 with nothing but his smile and a corkscrew, and the infamous 1978 University of Pennsylvania panty raid.
It is well known amongst Northwestern students that the University’s president, Morton Owen Schapiro, is, for all intents and purposes, a god among mere mortals. Those who admire and fear his clout often whisper his name in secluded corners of the sorority quad or the bowels of the Technological Institute or the basement of Norris, questioning if the legend is true. Did he really spend a summer translating ethnic slurs to Portuguese refugees in Angola when he was 10? Is the wildcat sound effect during Northwestern football games actually a recording of him yawning? Did he actually find Waldo AND Carmen Sandiego? As surely as Francis Church affirms the existence of Santa Claus, I am here to tell you, reader, that yes, Morton Schapiro has accomplished all that you’ve heard. And more.
Grew that beard in 27 seconds after pounding back 3 whiskey shots
After receiving his driver’s license when he was 16 days old, Morty Schapiro kicked the dust off his baby booties and decided to take on the big world. By age 3 he became the world’s youngest professional contortionist while living in an original Adolf Loos house in Austria. During his time there, Austrian tourism shot up by 348%. He was quickly relocated to the United States to serve as a consultant for the Federal Bureau of Investigations and took part in several covert operations with the Mexican government. Four months later he canoed to South Africa with only a can of Cheez Whiz and a ping-pong paddle as an oar. He made it in one day. After tutoring Steven Biko in public speaking and political activism, Schapiro made his way to Angola, and then to Tanzania, where he climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. Twice.
When he was fifteen, he worked in conjunction with the United States 56th Rescue Squadron in search and rescue missions throughout North Africa and southern Europe. Years later, his expertise in the field allowed him to single-handedly devise a plan to rescue the trapped Chilean miners, which he explained in a single text message. In his spare time, Morty traveled back to the United States to take the SATs, which he got a perfect score on after drinking two Four Lokos.
No kidding, 8-inches
During his years in college and graduate school, Morty spent his free time wooing women with his sensuous oboe and saxophone playing, though he was first chair violinist in the Philadelphia Orchestra on the weekends. In the same night he built a telescope in his dorm room (which was later used as a prototype for the Hubble Telescope), cooked 10-minute rice in 5 minutes, and drew a doodle, which would earn him an honorary degree from the Rhode Island School of Design. He got a perfect score on three exams the next morning. He read the Count of Monte Cristo and the Divine Comedy in an hour and was the only student in the history of University of Pennsylvania to earn a 4.8 GPA.
#24 even totally let his girlfriend spend a night of mind-boggling pleasure with Morty, just to be a nice guy
While studying abroad in France, he visited every exhibit of the Louvre in a day, and still had time to cook a four-course meal, using only a blender and toaster. He first discovered his love of economics after working with Benoit Mandelbrot on his paper, Fractals: Form, Chance and Dimension. The day before his return to the United States, a parade was held in his honor and he was awarded by President Valery d’Estaing “The Only American Loved by France.”
Morty Cat
In the years since, Morty has never ceased to amaze those who surround him. He has been nominated for two Oscars, a Grammy and every Nobel Prize. He was the source of inspiration for the Old Spice commercial character, plays tennis with Rafael Nadal every Wednesday, and knits onesie pajamas for needy children. He is impervious to Rickrolling. He’s never lost at Risk, is in perfect physical condition, has designed floral arrangements for several celebrity weddings, and makes a mean apple pie. Students revere him, Evanston aldermen cower in his presence, and the weather fluctuates according to his mood. He is mighty, he is kind, he is refined.
Sherman Ave 