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Tag Archives: University

Freshman Realizes Deep Hatred of Roommate

23 Apr

Pictured: The freshman on move-in day, in happier times.

Evanston, Il.- Upon listening to his roommate loudly Skype with his best friend at Cornell for two hours while he was trying to study, Weinberg Freshman Mark Ellis discovered that he actually never liked his roommate.

“He is just a real piece of trash,” Ellis said after coming to terms with his realization. Ellis’s discovery comes after nearly seven months of attempting to be his roommate’s, Medill Freshman Brandon Ruiz’s, best friend.

“All he does is eat Wings Over while playing Continue reading

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Guy in Library Eating Chips Very Loudly

18 Mar

Portrait of a young man eating potato chipsEVANSTON, Il – While studying for your Economics 310-1 final this afternoon in the References section of University Library, reports have confirmed that the guy using the desk directly next to yours has begun to eat a small bag of potato chips, making a significant amount of chewing noises in the process.

The guy, who you do not know and have never seen before, has removed a bag of Lay’s Baked Sour Cream and Onion potato chips from his backpack, and is now opening them, crinkling the paper-thin bag in the process.  He is proceeding, according to reports, to eat each chip not only loudly and vigorously, but slowly; which, you notice, only adds to the distinctly audible and somewhat unsettling sounds of mastication the guy is creating.  The numerous reports also state that Continue reading

A Frank Look at Sexual Assault on a College Campus

12 Mar

I never thought it would be hard to say no. In my head, I imagined a stranger approaching me at a party; he would ask if I wanted to have sex with him, and if I didn’t, I’d decline, and that would be that. But in my experience, that’s not how it usually goes. I never thought that in my experience it wouldn’t be a stranger, but a friend or a boyfriend. I never thought that after I said no once, or even twice, they would keep asking. I didn’t take into account how my usual resolve might be weakened by alcohol, or the pressure of being alone with him. And I never thought that my answer and what I wanted would be so thoroughly disregarded. Continue reading

The Best Places To Take A Shit On Campus

28 Jan

“Everybody poops, you are not alone”- Radiohead

Up until going abroad a few months ago (in a place with not-so-great toilets, as it were), I had a really hard time dropping a deuce anywhere but home. It wasn’t that I couldn’t; in a high stress, emergency scenario, I was perfectly capable of using a public toilet. But it was never a comfortable experience, and despite my recent maturation, pooping in a public place is still something of a trying experience for me.

It may well be that I am alone in struggling to drop trou in public restrooms. I have a hard time believing that I am #foreveralone, but even if we say for the sake of argument that I am, I’m still sure that everyone, I mean virtually EVERY man, woman, child, and other, prefers to poop in comfortable circumstances. It’s why dogs prefer the grass to the sidewalk, why cats prefer anywhere but the litter box to the litter box (wait no that’s because cats are total dicks nevermind).

Continue reading

The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus

13 Jan
SPLOOSH.

SPLOOSH.

Winter Quarter is upon us, fellow Wildcats, and with the temperature alternating daily between “Cold enough to cause penises everywhere to recede into body cavities” and “33 degrees,” odds are your roommates are gonna be spending a lot of time in the room. You know?

Obviously, the first thought that must strike you is “Yeah homie, this is seriously gonna hinder my ability to spank the monkey 15 times a day.” To which I would respond, Continue reading

Freshman Seminar: Weekly Response Haikus from a Student to her Professor

7 Jan

Week 1
Freshman in college
So hard to make friends; guess I’m
Just smarter than them

Comments: Adjusting to college can be tough. Drop by my office if you ever need to talk. Good use of a semicolon. –Professor Evans

Week 2
Far from home I meet
Someone who exposes me
To a whole new world

Comments: Glad to hear you’re having a better experience here. Also, avoid pop culture references in your writing; you’ll forget all about Jasmine and Aladdin once we study the Romantics! –Professor Evans

Continue reading

Five College Football Bowl Games That Need New Names

27 Dec

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Every year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads.  They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied.  So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching.  Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them:

Continue reading

Psych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses

4 Dec

Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday. Continue reading

The Daily Terror of a Medilldo in 301

3 Dec

9:00 Wake up. Think to yourself, why didn’t I try to be a doctor instead.

9:45 Leave for the Davis Street Station. Glare at happy-looking people.

9:58 Arrive at the El. The smell of cat pee is now associated with broken dreams.

10:15 After train stalls for three four five minutes, arrive at Howard Continue reading

A Call for ‘Respectful’ Black Friday Celebrations

27 Nov

Dear fellow Northwestern students,

With Black Friday happening this weekend, we wanted to take this opportunity to reflect on the actual meaning of the occasion, and how that should guide the way we celebrate this Friday. Continue reading