Students: La Macchina on Valentine’s Day “Armpit of Humanity”

EVANSTON, IL — Faced with an empty other half of the bed and a vomit-inducing hangover, sources confirmed that multiple

(via evanston.patch.com)

students could not in good conscience admit that they had an enjoyable time at La Macchina open bar night this Valentine’s Day.

Most students admitted that their night at La Macchina, a recently-opened Evanston restaurant/bar, was nothing but an empty symbol of their current love life, which consists of drunken booty calls and one-sided gazes across the table during their respective student group’s exec meetings.

Students revealed that

The Inferno: The Nine Circles of Valentine’s Day

Until recently, I had never been empathetic to the disease known as celebrating Valentine’s Day alone (symptoms of which include depression, overeating, and whining about February 14^th on any and all forms of social media). When you’ve ridden solo for nearly two decades’ worth of Valentine’s festivities, Singles Awareness Day eventually becomes a peaceful, practically meditative experience; instead of cry-sterbating and eating a tub of ice cream at my own personal pity party each year, I enjoyed a joyful day of solitude filled with a slew of rewarding personal activities (Okay, they’re the exact same activities as a pity party, minus the crying). While images of “love” and “happy couples” plagued me at work or school, I could safely journey home to escape any reminders of how depressingly sucky counter-culture it is to be single.

Never understood why Dante was such a big Static Shock fan (via toonbarn.com)

Well, that was until this year, for when I moved in with my roommate, I also unwittingly moved in with her boyfriend and all their couple-y bliss.

Study: No One Cares What Your Boyfriend Got You for Valentine’s Day

ANN ARBOR, MI— Researchers at the University of Michigan concluded on Friday morning that no one gives a shit what your boyfriend got you for Valentine’s Day.

Results of the study indicated that 48% of those surveyed didn’t give a shit, 3% had received better gifts from their boyfriends or husbands or generous casual hook ups and didn’t give a shit, and the other 49% were just dudes who didn’t give a shit.

University of Michigan Researchers were prompted to carry out this study after social media caused a dramatic rise in people’s perceptions that their friends, co-workers, and that guy they have a class with so they friended him on Facebook actually give a shit what presents their boyfriend got them for Valentine’s Day.

“It’s official: I have the bestest boyfriend in the entire world! Best Valentine’s Day Ever.”

This study debunked that myth, proving that a “like” on an online photo has little to no correlation with whether or not the “liker” actually gives a shit.

“We hope the results of this study will be eye opening,” Head Researcher Michael Brown said. “Our goal was to drop the amount of Facebook uploads and Instagrams of flower bouquets and giant teddy bears and expensive fondue dinners by 80%.”

Brown said the next item on the agenda is a comprehensive analysis of whether or not making a PicStitch for your friend’s birthday actually indicates that you are good friends.

8 Reasons You Don’t Have A Valentine

Not shown: The Valentine’s Day-themed porno this dude is streaming. (via Mashable)

Well, it’s February 14th once again, and lo and behold, you’re Valentine-less. But don’t curl up with that pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a whole lotta misplaced emotions just yet! You don’t need to sob over your loneliness, because all of us singles can band together and know that we don’t have a Valentine this year because we are just too damn cool to be weighed down in a relationship! Don’t believe me? Just check out these top eight reasons that you don’t have a Valentine this year:

Luv Conquers @ll: The AIM Parlance between Two Star-Crossed 12-Year-Old Lovebirds

With Valentine’s Day approaching, instead of posting a “103 Reasons Why Being Single Is Awesome Justifications for Being Single and Hating Yourself” article, we thought we could revisit our flirtatious internet 6th grade selves on Valentine’s Day. What fun. Our archivists here at the Ave had to dig all the way past our now nonexistent dignity to The Awkward Ages, but we found the records. We found them, and after much deliberation we have determined that they must be published completely uncensored for the sake of journalistic integrity. Luckily, we also have documentation of BruneteBarbie14’s reactions to certain messages from s0cc3r_d00d.

s0cc3r_d00d: hey

Oh. My. God. He said hey. He’s so cute when he IMs me hey. What do I say? Be cool, be cool.

BruneteBarbie14: hey

s0cc3r_d00d: wats up

The Inner Monologue of a Girl Watching the The Fault In Our Stars Trailer

I don’t even know why I come to class at this point. I’m not going to pay attention. I’m pretty sure I learned this in high school. This is just stupid.

UGH Facebook is so BORING right now. C’mon people, give me something to look at.

Jeez, if this kid posts ONE MORE status about how cool his internship is, I’m going to find a way to make sure that shit doesn’t lead to a job after college. Because clearly, I have that kind of power.

Oh look, that bitch from high school gained weight. Poor girl. NOT. Haha, karma’s a bitch.

Okay maybe I’ll go look at twi—

The Fault In Our Stars Official Trailer? What?! WHAAAAAT?! I need to watch this.

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

Make Mississippi State Stop Injecting Baby Monkeys With Syphilis!

Mississippi State Head Coach Dan Mullen, relentlessly taunting a family of syphilis-ridden monkeys.

Okay, readers, listen up: I know that your Facebook newsfeed, Twitterfeed, and TV commercial breaks are saturated with people trying to enlist you for causes.  In fact, just yesterday someone invited me to play Farmville.  But this is something much, much more important – more important than any other cause, even battered puppies being serenaded by Sarah McLachlan.

The Mississippi State University football team is kidnapping innocent monkeys from the Amazon Rainforest and injecting them with syphilis.

For fun.

How to Not Give a Fuck About Valentine’s Day and Still Get Laid: A Beginner’s Guide to Accidental Pussy

Aw, you and Marcus didn’t work out?

It’s that time of the year again. No, not Black History Month, though props to my dogs. It’s that time of year when it seems like everyone you know is either:

a) in a relationship with a human
b) in a relationship with a cat
c) in a relationship with their hand

But with Valentine’s Day finally behind us, everyone seemed to be able to put aside their differences and focus on one thing and one thing only: SEX. Fornication, coitus, nooky, whoopee, boinking, taking a roll in the hay. Whatever you call it, it’s probably disgusting. I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you, like most of Northwestern’s population, fell into the third category. Fear not, peasant! As always, I am here to help in times of crisis. Stick to my rules and in no time your dick will be sure to be worming it’s way inside many a skank.

5 Reasons Why Today Sucks

I WILL DEEP-FRY YOUR FAMILY, BITCH.

Let me tell you something:  I am all about optimism.  But when the world is a horrible, horrible place in which morals are deteriorating, the environment gets buttsexed harder and harder each day, and Paula Deen has only been assaulted with a ham one time, you have to be reasonable before you’re optimistic.  And to speak from the perspective of reason: Wednesday, January 18, 2012, is going to be the Herbert Hoover of days.  Here’s why.

Reason #5:  It’s a Wednesday

My grandfather used to tell me that the only thing worse than a Wednesday was an overpriced Cambodian prostitute.  I’ve lived by this my whole life, and upon further research, have realized that he was completely right; such tragic historical events as the Great Depression, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust all happened on Wednesdays.  Despite the fact that this current week is only four days (thanks to Martin Luther King Jr., a fierce and relentless advocate of the 4-day week) (….…that’s what he was best known for, right?), I just intuitively know that Wednesday is going to be a massive pelvic thrust into the back of my skull.

This guy would be getting all up in dat ass if it weren't for a severe case of genital hibernation.

Reason #4:  It’s fucking cold

Chicago’s frigid temperatures are like a straight dropkick to the testicles – painful over a long period of time, difficult to recover from, and prone to occur on Valentine’s Day.  There is nothing favorable about the body’s reaction – whether we’re talking about solidified nostrils, hands frozen numb, or testicles that have receded so far into your body that your nether regions are now just a flat wasteland of lonely anguish, there is no good that comes from these subzero temperatures.  And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the wind will readily rush at you like a recruiter from a new fraternity on campus.

Reason #3:  Wikipedia is blacked out

According to  

I learned the other day that

Studies have shown

I was doing research and apparently

Tits.

If Wikipedia's blackouts are anything like Sherman Ave's, they'll be belting Adele really loudly right now.

Reason #2:  WIKIPEDIA IS BLACKED OUT

OH GOD WHYYYY I CAN’T DO THIS I AM LITERALLY NOTHING WITHOUT WIKIPEDIA I WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE HISTORY OF FRITO’S AND NOW I CAN’T AND OHHH GODDDDDD IT’S STILL WEDNESDAY IS IT DONE BEING WEDNESDAY YET SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME oh what’s that?  Reddit is blacked out too?  Oh, that’s fine.

Reason #1:  Mitt Romney Hasn’t Been Banished From America Yet

I’ve been waiting for a while and it hasn’t happened yet.  It has become quite clear that the man does not possess a single positive quality, but somehow he’s still beating out guys with notable positive qualities (Ron Paul’s adorable voice, Herman Cain’s extensive knowledge of Pokemon quotes, Jon Huntsman appalling ability to be a GOP presidential candidate who isn’t a raging fuckhead).  Surely it can’t be that hard to get rid of this doucheopotamous.  Can’t we just tell him that he won the lottery and gets to go to The Island?