We put heinous captions on classic works of art

Hey, have you guise heard about this thing called the Art Institute? It’s like this really old asylum for murderers and stuff.

Maybe I’m thinking of an institution…

Eh, whatever. The point is, there are a lot of famous works of art in this fancy building on Michigan Avenue. And since Sherman Ave has such a vast and commanding mastery of the art world, we thought we’d share some of the Art Institute of Chicago with you.

Here are some priceless works that you can see, too, if you take a trip downtown.

The Onion Definitely Has A Record Label, And So Far Nobody’s Laughing

The Onion, everyone’s second favorite satirical news organization, has branched into the music industry with its own record label.

I just can’t prove it.

Not long ago, I would’ve thought this diversification was preposterous. It seemed inevitable that all record labels were going the way of dinosaurs and dodos, and no one, not even The Onion, wanted any part of it. Now, however, it seems the music industry has finally realized just how drastically it must adapt in order to survive. This is where the good people at The Onion stepped in with all of their trademark, Puck-like mischief.

The first piece of evidence that led to this conclusion was the release of

10 Reasons Why Memorial Day Sucks in New York City

1. 

   The world’s most bitching location for a cookout.

   Tourists. Suck. So. Hard. So yeah, technically I kind of am one since I’m only here for three months on my JR, but I mean is it so hard to not take pictures for three seconds? I’m trying to get drunk here and I swear to god if someone takes another selfie, blinds me with their flash, leaving me to spill my $9 vodka bomb then I will just cut a bitch. Well. Not really. More like cry in frustration.

2. Everything is full. Hey guys, let’s go grab dinner at that cool little hole in the wall place we noticed for the first time last week. OH WAIT. Everyone and their damn Chihuahua had that idea. Why is that dog sitting in a high-chair? WHO THE HELL KNOWS.
3. No matter where you go, someone there is funnier and drunker than you are. I like Irish pubs. They’re usually cosy, have lots of beer on tap, and have an old kind of charm. But on Memorial Day Weekend? Well screw me sideways because it looks like the Irish Mob is back out of retirement. Seriously, a friend of mine was called “boyo” like four times in half an hour by the server, who, by the way, brought us twice as many drinks as we asked for, which sounds great until you realize we had to pay for them and had basically no money.
4. Everyone celebrates it but no one actually cares what we are memorializing. I enjoy drunkenness as much as the next guy, but I will pull a Van Gogh if I have to hear one more person try and toast “Good memories”.[1]
5. You cannot get away from it. Bar? Memorial Day special. Central Park? Memorial Day gatherings. Movie Theater? THIS MEMORIAL DAY, COME SEE FAST AND FURIOUS 6. It’s endless and god help me why.
6. Everyone is drinking. It’s great, so many drunk people around and bars are packed. Wait, this sounds like a good thing? Man I suck at this! Anyway, yeah, in reality Memorial Day has some shitty stuff in New York, but it also has redeeming factors. I’m going to go out drinking, so, uh, if you could just imagine I finished this article that’d be great.

Editor’s Note: Sherman Ave supports the troops.

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[1] No I’m not joking, it was like four teenage girls and their one token dude friend who had no idea why he had agreed to go, then realized it was because he wanted to bang that one chick who was totally into him but just didn’t know it.

Oscar Buzzed

In case anyone hasn’t gone on the internet today, the Oscar nominees were announced this morning! A few surprises, some snubs (where was Jack and Jill?!), but mostly just confusion. “What are all these movies about?” you’re thinking, “I have never even heard of them! Whine whine whine, me me me!” Well calm down, Pi Phi! Don’t worry, I’m a film major, I’ll simplify it for you:

The Artist
A haunting look at the life of Van Gogh. Think bright, colorful, and loud.

The smallest man Sean Penn has held in his hands

The Descendants
Surprisingly not about balls.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
A compilation of home movies depicting your grandfather spurting off racist insults and confusing you with your sister.

The Help
A team of psychiatrists check themselves into a mental hospital for help. Meta!

Hugo
He was probably one of the characters from Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. See how Hugo lives his day to day life!

Midnight in Paris
It’s got Owen Wilson, so you can safely assume it also has Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson. Hilarity will ensue!

Moneyball
Also surprisingly not about testicles.

The Tree of Life
Spin off of Pocahontas.

War Horse
Today I found out it’s War Horse, not Warm Whores. My review stands: It’s about a pathetic creature trying to redeem itself, who probably dies in the end.

Kung Fu Panda 2
Surprisingly, this is about balls!

Even his dog is hot

Drive
Out of the 26 films Ryan Gosling was in last year, this was definitely in the top 30. Watch as Ryan Gosling drives a car around a city! What could be better?! (Nothing. Nothing will ever be better than Ryan Gosling doing anything. I would watch the shit out of a movie about Ryan Gosling trimming his nose hairs.)

Bridesmaids
If you’re stupid enough to be reading this, I know that you saw at least 3 movies this year, and this is one of them. You know the plot: Kristen Wiig is the unconvincing ugly and pathetic friend, and Melissa McCarthy shits in a sink. Someone gets married.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Like Toy Story, but with Tinker Toys!

Just kidding, I didn’t see any of these films. I’m just an asshole. Here is my actually helpful guide to the Oscars:

The Artist
Should have been called: Look at This Fucking Hipster Film
I would have seen it if it was called: Adorable Dog and Sort of Good Looking Man Make Out

The horror of a desperate Oscar grab

The Descendants
Should have been called: George Clooney Cries and Runs in Hawaii
I would have seen it if it was called: The Descendants Starring Ryan Gosling

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Should have been called: 9/11 Movie That Has Very Little to Do With 9/11
I would have seen it if it was called: Let’s be real, there was no chance I was seeing this

The Help
Should have been called: Sassy Black Maids Kick Some Sass Sassily
I would have seen it if it was called: Emma Stone Looks Ugly, Don’t You Feel Better About Yourself?

Hugo
Should have been called: Look at Scorsese’s Range!
I would have seen it if it was called: The Adventures of Tintin

Midnight in Paris
Should have been called: Woody Allen Strolls Around Paris in an Owen Wilson Costume
I would have seen it if it was called: Midnight in Amsterdam

Moneyball
Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar
I would have seen it if it was called: Get Jonah Hill to the Oscars

The Tree of Life
Should have been called: Brad Pitt Might Finally Win an Oscar Pt 2
I would have seen it if it was called: Literally anything else more descriptive would have been great

War Horse
Should have been called: Actually War Horse pretty much sums it up
I would have seen it if it was called: Don’t Worry, He Doesn’t Die

Kung Fu Panda 2
Should have been called: Jack Black is as Fat and Funny as a Panda 2
I would have seen it if it was called: Kung Fu Panda 2 Produced By Pixar

Let's be honest: You just wanted to look at more pictures of Ryan Gosling

Drive
Should have been called: Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask
I would have seen it if it was called: Holy Shit Ryan Gosling Looks So Good Driving Around and Curb Stomping People Please Take Your Shirt Off More That’s All I Ask

Bridesmaids
Should have been called: Girls Can Make the Funnys, Too
I would have seen it if it was called: Kristen Wiig Dies in the End

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Should have been called: This Movie is Well Over Two Hours Long
I would have seen it if it was called: Jonathan Tinker Taylor Thomas

Just kidding, that was still unhelpful! I’m still an asshole! Thanks for reading!

–Ali Parr