Venric Mark to Return for 5th Year, Looking for “Career-Defining Injury”

EVANSTON, Ill. – After the official announcement that Venric Mark would be granted a medical hardship waiver and be allowed to play a fifth season, the Northwestern Wildcats’ Senior running back told reporters that he was excited to return to the field, explaining that he hasn’t yet had the career-defining injury he has been working towards. “I’ve put in the hours, spent the time in the weight room – but I haven’t been able to put together that all-around spectacular injury everyone’s expected,” said Mark. “I felt like I was about to break through and do it with (the left ankle fracture) last season, but it didn’t quite happen.”

Head coach Pat Fitzgerald confirmed Mark’s commitment to the Wildcats and desire to produce a truly great debilitating injury. “Venric’s always had big dreams,” said Fitzgerald. “He wants to go out there and give the NFL scouts a jaw-dropping injury they’ll never forget.”

“I want to join the likes of Joe Theismann, Sterling Sharpe, and Bo Jackson,” added Mark. “Those are the guys I look up to.”

Additional sources confirmed that in preparation for Mark’s return, Northwestern’s offensive line had begun practicing “just kind of watching” as defensive linemen run by and maul the team’s most valuable players.

#GetFuckedCal

Don’t ask what the lightsaber’s for.

Dear Cal,

I know we’ve only seen each other once before, but apparently the thorough dicking you received during the Truman administration was so great you couldn’t help but ask us to come back for more.

So here we are, yet again, the Gator Bowl Champion Wildcats visiting Berkeley for the first time since the Soviets went all nuclear and since the sad hippie burnout Golden Bears last retained any sense of national relevance.  And this time, Fitz and his 22nd nationally-ranked crew come bearing a message:

Get fucked Cal.

Samwise Donkenstein’s Preseason Top 5 Feelings About This Year

The 6th Feeling is Swag

It is my own misfortune, and indeed the misfortune of many reading this article, to have (mostly) unwittingly chosen a life of suffering and self-torture. I can’t ask for sympathy, I did this to myself, and I can’t ask most humans to understand my situation; how could you, being either outside the realm of fandom or lucky enough to root for a team by some other name?

I am an invested, devoted, fervent fan of the Northwestern Wildcats, and only a select few people to have ever walked this Earth truly know what that is like.

A Game-By-Game Recap of NU’s Football Season

Man, did we get blueballed this season or what?

It was a lot like taking a detour to class through Kellogg to get a Jolly Rancher: sure the only ones left are the grape and even though everyone hates grape Jolly Ranchers, well at least it’s better than nothing. You also managed to avoid walking outside in the cold for another two minutes so all in all you came out better than you normally would have. With a feeling akin to soul-crushing emptiness but you root for Northwestern so don’t get greedy goddamnit.

With clear eyes and full hearts, let’s examine the season that was(n’t).

#GetFuckedIllini

Fitz, representing the sexual domination to come.

Dear Illini,
Get Fucked.

Tomorrow is a momentous day for the State of Illinois. No, to our knowledge Oprah won’t be returning her show to Chicago. And no, Rockford will not be ceded to Wisconsin. This Saturday marks something far more special: Northwestern’s physical and mental obliteration of the Illinois Fighting Illini for the vaunted Land of Lincoln Trophy.

Sucks to Shuck: #GetFuckedNebraska

“Slash and Cut” isn’t always what you think it means…

“Nebraska, I love you.”
-Lady Gaga

“Holy fuck this place blows.”
-Everybody else

There’s a gentle wind rolling over the Nebraskan prairie. If you stop and listen long enough, in between the roar of an engine escaping the state on I-76 and the soul-crushing desolation echoing over endless fields of corn, you can sometimes make out what the wind is whispering. Would you like to know what the wind says?

Get fucked Nebraska.

Yes Nebraska. The time has come once again for your beloved football team to get shucked in the cornhole.

Come Saturday evening, the Northwestern Wildcats will fuck you in the Lil’ Red. And we don’t mean your mascot, who happens to have a lower BMI than 78% of your state.

The game will be even more of an embarrassment than Bill Callahan’s tenure. Don’t say we didn’t warn you when Taylor Martinez gets obliterated like the 15 Plains Indian tribes indigenous to your shithole taint of a state. And your blackshirt defense? Expect for Venric Mark to obliterate it like the Kansas-Nebraska Act decimated national unity.

To be honest, we’re kind of surprised that you’re coming back for more after we fucked you so spectacularly last year. We would have thought Husker coach Ron Brown would have said something about the Kain Colter-induced sodomy he had to witness in Lincoln.

Having spent multiple hours in absolute hell the municipality of North Platte, Nebraska, I feel fully qualified in saying that your state deserves what will be it’s greatest disappointment since, well, last year. Seriously, any state that has a unicameral legislature and repeatedly lost to the University of Colorado has this coming. Especially when your greatest claim to fame is being the source for the title track of the eighth best  Bruce Springsteen album.

Have you ever slapped yourself in the face with an Omaha Steak? Because the resulting bruise is a pretty decent approximation of what Chi Chi Ariguzo’s saltstick will leave on your collective backfield tomorrow.

Prepare to be fucked like William Jennings Bryan in… everything really. We understand that your two main exports are tumbleweed and flatness, but hopefully you’ll be able to scrap enough money together to get drunk and listen to Bright Eyes to help you feel better about getting so entirely fucked by the real NU.

Get fucked Nebraska.

#GetFuckedPennState

The battle of the fictional feline football foes.

When Penn State gets fucked by the Northwestern Wildcats tomorrow afternoon, prepare for the biggest scandal in Happy Valley to break out since…

Um…

Since the 2008 revelation that 46 Penn State football players had faced 163 criminal charges since 2002.

Yeah, let’s go with that — the shocking revelation of systematic abuse by people of authority that was CLEARLY the worst scandal to rock the athletic culture of the Nittany Lions.

Prepare for a 4,000-strong student riot to run amok through the streets of State College, protesting what will be the worst shock to Penn State’s national brand since 6 Lions football players broke into an apartment and beat several students. Because when Kain Colter and Venric Mark absolutely fondle Penn State’s defense, it could be the worst black mark on the University’s football program since JoePa’s intemperate remarks about sexual assault.

Yes, Penn State, it seems that Northwestern has picked up the banner of “Success with Honor” you left sullied on the ground. Get ready to experience the full brunt of shame from losing to a school that maintains integrity at both the University and within its athletic programs. The smell of defeat is going to be so bad you’ll need to shower it off.

Penn State, we find you guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sucking.

Now we’re not just horsing around here. We’re going to beat you so bad we’ll make Bill O’Brien blush redder than Mike McQuery’s hair. Speaking of Mike, whatever happened to that guy? Haven’t seen him around recently.

Sidebar: What the fuck is a Nittany Lion? And why does it look like Arthur the Aardvark’s drug addled cousin? Who designed the mascot costume? A fourth grade — you know what, never mind.

Prepare for Chi Chi Ariguzo and the rest of the Wildcat’s front seven to show a total disregard for the safety and welfare of tomorrow’s gridiron victims, which will only empower our defense to continue its systematic abuse of Matt McGloin at Beaver Stadium.

Hehehehe. Beaver.

According to the history books, Northwestern is an astounding 10-0 against Penn State dating back to 1998. So suck on that. Although we are a bit surprised that our incessant fucking of the Nittany Lions hasn’t yet led to Penn State’s establishment of an athletic culture and daily mindset in which football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.

Nevertheless, you still could have put a memento commemorating all that Coach Paterno did for your football program outside of the stadium. I don’t know, maybe a statue or something. That’s cold man. Just cold.

Follow us on Twitter for livetweeting of the game, and much, much more.

#GetFuckedIU

Mmmmm, you like that don’t you?

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Steve Buscemi and Rosie O’Donnell did it?

No?

Not even a little bit?

Because that’s all I can think about heading into tomorrow’s absolute and total fucking of Indiana at the hands of Northwestern.

In a battle of two schools tied for the all-time losingest records in college football history, it’s hard not to think of anything but two of the most appallingly atrocious humans of all time bumping uglies in a Walmart restroom. That said, at least Steve Buscemi — the Northwestern of this heinous pairing — has scored moderate success, including breakout years in the mid-90s and a return to relevance in the past few years. Rosie, meanwhile, is in constant flux between garnering irrelevance and disgust.

Anyways, IT’S TIME TO GET FUCKED IU.

Now, I’m not sure what exactly a “Hoosier” is, but I don’t think it would really like being double-teamed by Kain Colter and Trevor Simien while Seth Meyers sits in the corner and watches Saturday at 11. I bet Cam Coffman will turn as crimson as his uniform after witnessing the ungodly bestial acts performed at midfield tomorrow.

Be warned, Indiana. We’re going to abuse you like Bobby Knight circa 1997. Run your ass into the ground like the ass-drubbing William Henry Harrison administered to the Shawnee at Tippecanoe. Fuck you like Gary’s industrial economy.

We know that your student population mostly consists of hot girls we used to go to high school with and music majors, but don’t think that will stop Venric Mark and the Northwestern rushing attack from fucking you so hard that all jokes about Ball State University will just seem unnecessary (hint: it turns out that playing with Ball State was just the foreplay for what’s to come tomorrow at Ryan Field).

Safe to say, we’re going to screw you over like Governor Mitch Daniels having his way with a local union chapter.

Don’t worry Indiana. Being the taint of college football will be a challenge, yes, but let us advise you on the ways of sucking. Plastic bottles of whiskey certainly come in handy, as well as a healthy dosage of delusion and heinous.

And if all else fails to cheer you up, we hear that the smog and pockets of racism make for excellent sunsets along I-90 on your way back from tomorrow morning’s diddling.

HOOSIER DADDY???

#GetFuckedBC

You never forget your first time.

Hello there.

Are you a BCS team from an automatic qualifier conference? Are you traveling to Evanston in the near future? Are you the Boston College Eagles!?

If so, then on behalf of the Northwestern Wildcat football program and the 250 or so bored students from the Greater Chicagoland area, we cordially invite you to get fucked.

First off, let us begin by complimenting the entire BC defense on how well your faces have recovered from the monstrous welt Kain Colter’s schlong gave you in last year’s season opener.* We’re mostly just impressed that you came back for more after that thorough 24-17 dicking.

Doesn’t the Catholic Church have some sort of policy against the bestiality you are about to endure at the mercy of Venric Mark and the Northwestern wide receiver corps? We always knew that Jesuits were pretty chill about that sort of thing, but still.

Regardless, it’s kind of rude for Notre Dame to seek an injunction against the HHS mandate just so Boston College football won’t be able to receive the sexual health care it will need after getting so totally fucked by NU this Saturday afternoon. It’s not like Notre Dame was going to need any help beating you guys anyway.

Speaking of sensitive religious topics, stop trying to inquisition us.

We know we were once called the Fighting Methodists and all, but nowadays most of our students are either Jewish, godless socialist Democrats, or Markwell. Fitzwizardry isn’t heresy, and with the exception of your defensive backs, nobody’s getting torched this Saturday. Give it a rest, and spend less time trying to impose canonical law with the arm of Chase Rettig and more time getting fucked.

The only thing more depressing than being the third best college accessible via the T will be Chi Chi Ariguzo’s physically and emotionally damaging defense. The only thing more unsettling than Frank Spaziani’s mustache will be how Ifaedi Odenigbo methodically destroys everything you hold holy — starting with Doug Flutie and ending with Tip O’Neill, Scott Brown, and Matt Ryan — in an assault that transcends the boundaries of time, space, and party politics.**

Simply put, Pat Fitzgerald the Fighting Methodists will fuck you worse than the sexual trinity Karl Rove administered to BC Law alum John Kerry in 2004.

Last week, we made a promise and came through. This week we are proud to make another such guarantee.

Get Fucked BC.
———————————————————————————————————————
*My second dick slapping joke in as many weeks. I’m gunning for the record set by Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf in the infamous summer of ’06.
**Seriously, are you guys good at doing anything else besides playing quarterback or serving in Congress?

To stay updated on this weekend’s #GetFuckedBC campaign, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook and look for the intoxicated heinouses shouting ‘Get Fucked BC’ Saturday afternoon at Ryan Field.

#GetFuckedVandy

Dear Vandy,

Get fucked.

Seriously. We mean it. From the 20 of us hanging around Evanston and the scores more waiting at home in Westchester for school to start, Wildcat nation would like to invite you to get fucked come this Saturday night.

Wipe that smile off your face and pay attention. We’re not talking about “getting fucked up,” so you can leave your Miller Chill and Croakies back with your Brad Paisley in that just-southern-enough-to-make-you-feel-uncomfortable city you call home.

No. Vandy, you’re going to get fucked so bad the University will have to change its nickname from the Commodores to the Rear Admirals.

When the lights come on at Ryan Field this weekend, prepare to get smoked by the Wildcats like it’s the U.S. News and World Report college rankings.

#SyracuseGotFucked

Don’t say we didn’t warn you when the Northwestern Stripes Wildcats roll through your defenses like General Sherman. I mean, let’s be honest here: Colter and Siemian are the most dangerous one-two combination the City of Nashville has faced since Major General George H. Thomas and Major General John Schofield kicked your ass in 1864.

Sure, Jordan Rodgers hooks up with Jordan Matthews more often than your frat brothers score with biddies in stupidly oversized hats. And yes, our defense has been known to Dukakis away a lead or two in the past. But at least our coach isn’t the biggest chauvinistic prick your school has produced since Jay Cutler, an impressive feat coming from a school like Vanderbilt.

When did being the doormat of the entire SEC allow for you to eschew all reason and presume you would not get entirely fucked this Saturday? If the robber baron founder of Vanderbilt University could conceivably win a douche-off against Northwestern’s genocide-apologist forebearer, is that really a good thing?

#GetFuckedVandy isn’t just a hashtag. It’s a promise. Venric Mark will annihilate you. Chi Chi Ariguzo will strangle you. Pat Fitzgerald will outman you and Kyle Prater will dickslap Al Gore just for good measure.

Get fucked Vandy.

Cordially,
Evander Jones

LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE to sign our petition to stop the Vanderbilt University Football Team’s brutal clubbing of baby seals.