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Tag Archives: voting
Election Day Alternatives for Apathetic Non-Voters
6 Nov
The Constitution Party cut some corners on their Election Day celebration
It seems that not voting is nearly as popular as voting. Hell, hardly anyone bothers to vote in North Korea. Let’s examine some of the reasons why you may not be voting: not registered, absentee ballot is sitting on your toilet, or you live in Oman. Personally, I’m trying to impress the cutie that works at my post office who doesn’t vote. I know she reads my mail. She sure as hell hasn’t been delivering it.
If you play it right, election night can be the Superbowl, a birthday, and a hangover all in one. Elections are the societal equivalent of a getting married at 18. Sure, we’ve gotten shallow insights into our potential mates, and we’re going to try it out for four years. Definitely not more than eight years. You’ve decided to close your eyes, ambivalent to who kisses you at the altar. Here are our top suggestions of ways to pass the evening while you stay puckered up. Let’s just hope you come out ahead:
Gamble
Betting on your team losing sucks. You’ve creatively avoided this conflict of interest. Bet the stats. Bet your gut. The Justice Party is looking pretty hot this year after they became vote eligible in 45 out of 50 states. No trouble. Everybody knows Arkansas and Maine always go Green Party.
Vote Third Party
It’s the same as not voting.
Have fun with your Absentee Ballot
I sent my ballot inside a sardine and sour cream sandwich.
Electioneering
Believe the rumor. Biden is throwing a rave inside a polling station in Virginia to get a few last minute votes. He made a mash-up of MLK Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech and a few Queen songs. His beat matching is flawless.
Participate in Voter Fraud
The people of Cook County, Illinois love democracy so much that they keep voting up to 20 years after they’ve died. Volunteer and help get their votes counted!
Crash Election Parties
Win or lose, election campaigners throw down. Think major parties. Think celebrity endorsements. Choose a campaign that was left with too much extra cash. Wherever Miley Cyrus is you can guarantee they’ll have cake.
Collecting Obama/Romney Campaign Gear
Top item: 7-11 election cups. Beer pong in 2018 with those cups will be a reminder of simpler times when elections were won depending on our needs for hot go-go fuck juice.
A Comprehensive Guide to Mitt Romney
4 Nov
Fearlessly saying whatever it takes to be President of these United States of America since ’07.
Every 7 minutes I get a notification from my CNN app. “A recent CNN poll has Romney leading in Florida with 50%, Obama 49%.” “According to a recent poll, Obama is ahead in Ohio with 51%, Romney close behind with 48%.” Obama is leading in Florida. Romney is leading in Ohio. Obama in Iowa. Romney in Wisconsin. Obama in Ohio. Romney in New Hampshire. Obama in Wisconsin. Romney in Florida.
If one thing is clear about the atrocious excuse for democracy that is this presidential election, it’s that the race is tighter than Paul Ryan’s pecs. Because it’s entirely possible that Barack-star won’t get reelected, it’s time we familiarize ourselves with the alternative. This guide contains all the information that you could ever need to know about the Republican candidate.
Will the real Mitt Romney please stand up?
Full Name: Willard Mittingtons Romney III
Childhood nickname: Mittens the Kitten
How he got his childhood nickname: He fucking built it
Childhood hobbies: Lincoln Logs, Etch-a-Sketch
Early education: Cranbrook High School (other notable alumni include the guy who B-Rabbit rap battles at the end of 8 Mile).
College: Stanford for a hot second, then transferred to Brigham Young University (a transfer that would’ve made a lot more sense the other way around, but whatevs).
Vietnam War: He went on a mission trip to France instead.
Early career: Made the moniez at Bain Capital.
Salt Lake City Olympics: He built that shit.
Family: Beautiful wife Ann, 5 strapping boys named Tagg, Tucker, Joseph, Capital, and Small Business*
Position on abortion: He’s pro-choice, except he’s a pro-life pro-choice. He’s pro-life except for cases of rape and incest, except for the cases of rape and incest for which he does not make exceptions.
Gay marriage: NONONO. NO. Sanctity of marriage. Traditional American values. Importance of the family. Other things that Republicans say.
Foreign Policy: Unilateral approach. Also, London sucks. Romneylympics were like sooooo much better.
Economics: Success, individual initiative, business=good. Dependency, government programming, the 47%=bad. Taxes bad. Romney no likey.
Healthcare: Supports universal healthcare. In favor of a mandate that orders all citizens to have health insurance. That being said, he is against the tyrannical, socialist, and unconstitutional piece of dogshit that is Obamacare.
ROMNEY/RYAN 2k12 NO REGRETZ
*Small Business later added a footnote to the end of his name, so he became Small Business[1]
[1] No this is not a reference to my genitalia
Sherman Ave 
