Should You Hook Up With Him? A Flowchart Journey

So you’re out at a party or a bar or hovering by the bar at a party, and suddenly a Calvin Harris song comes on and you feel some guy’s pelvis approach your ass and realize that you are being “danced” upon. Then comes there part where you must make a decision.

-Should I casually take a few steps forward like I didn’t notice the sudden proximity of his dick to my ass crack?

-Should I let him make out with me and get a free drink out of it? Maybe I’ll feel less guilty if I give him an OTPHJ. I can just say I was black out and don’t remember that.

-Should I take him home with me? I haven’t cleaned my room in a while, but maybe he’s too drunk to notice. My roommates might judge me though. Maybe we should go back to his place. Oh wait doesn’t he live with

The Best Things About Northwestern

After reading through the rest of this freshman guide, you may be wondering, “What have I gotten myself into? Isn’t heinousness a bad thing? And how awkward are tits, exactly?” Only experience will answer you, but here are three reasons why you shouldn’t drop out before you get to campus:

Unbridled Nerdiness

Chances are, if you’re going to Northwestern, there is at least a small inner part of you that is a massive dork. And now you can let that part fly free, like a glorious bespectacled eagle. I’m pretty sure it is literally against Northwestern policy to dislike Harry Potter.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Hooking Up

That girl from your Intro to Microeconomics discussion section won't ever stand a chance

We all want action, but few know of a sure-fire way to find it. At college, the ability to suavely convince a random hottie to engage in romantic activities with scant emotional attachment involved can be an extraordinarily difficult, yet exceptionally valuable, skill to hone. Like snowflakes or the Kardashians, no two hookups are alike, from random slampieces to that one girl you’ve been lurking ever since the March through the Arch, so it’s important to be a paragon of subtlety while working your moves. Here at Sherman Ave, we are pretentious enough to think that we’ve seen it all when it comes to romance, and have compiled a fast and easy guide on how to get with that fast and easy special someone.