Congress Harder on IDs After Shutdown Scare

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources have reported that the United States Congress is “way harder to get into” than it was before the shutdown, which commenced on September 30th.

In a press conference this morning, President Obama hinted that he encouraged Congress to take necessary measures to ensure that a shutdown would not occur again.

“There’s no way around the fact that the government shut down due to the presence of certain people in Congress,” said Obama. “We need to make sure those people aren’t allowed in ever again.”

The new ID policy is so strict that even

US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Source: Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California’s Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.

While Kennedy’s decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one’s profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.

A Guide to Talking to Guys in DC Bars

So I’m doing the whole talking thing with these guys at a bar. They’re sitting down, drinking and saying cool things to each other like: “Yeah I totally agree.” I’m standing up next to them shaking my groove thing to some Spanish broad singing along to Michael Bolton’s “When a Man Loves a Woman.”

Somehow during all this excitement, Guy 1 (the one who isn’t Guy 2) gets in a huff because his appletini tips over like Humpty Dumpty. Before I asked him why he decided to leave his dick at home and order that drink, he starts antagonizing me like the baseball players used to do at my elementary school tetherball courts.