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Tag Archives: Washington Redskins

Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

2 Jan

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014. Continue reading

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Obama Renaming NFL Teams After Care Bears

9 Oct

WASHINGTON DC–According to an official White House release yesterday, President Barack Obama will be using his powers as head of the Executive Branch to perform an unprecedented overhaul of NFL nomenclature, renaming teams after characters in the cartoon series “Care Bears.”

“This entire country is goddamn sick of having to deal with Native Americans Continue reading