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Tag Archives: Washington

Local Razor Announces Plans to Cut User’s Face

3 Dec

shaver_200x247CHEHALIS, Wash.–Earlier this morning, a local Gillette razor blade reported that it intends to cut the face of its user, 39-year-old Richard Bowen, in the near future.

The razor, which consists of 5 thin blades and a moisturizing strip, told reporters that its blades were as “sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel” and that they could “deliver quite a nasty wound.”

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Chin Up, Northwestern: An Open Letter to Bereaved NU Football Fans

6 Oct

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Dear Wildcats,

We at Sherman Ave talked a lot about An Ohio State University getting fucked, wrecked, guzzling our Siemian, and all sorts of other fantastic verbage *does Trumpy dickswinging celebration out of habit*. At this point, if you’re not familiar with the events of the OSU-NU game, you can just close this tab, and then find some Siemian to guzzle or something.

In reality, no real fucking or wrecking was had, neither by NU nor OSU. Of course, OSU supporters will be quick to say that, actually, they fucked us. But they’d be fucking wrong.

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Student Shocked to Discover Racial Bias in Criminal Justice System

14 Jul
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Zimmerman, after learning he was found guilty by a jury of 250.67 million online peers

CHEVY CHASE, WASHINGTON DC–Sources report 20-year-old Samantha Hastings was visibly disturbed early Sunday morning upon learning that an invidious racial bias permeates throughout the American judicial system.

According to eyewitness reports, the revelation that George Zimmerman–the neighborhood watch volunteer who fatally shot the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin and ignited a national forum on racial profiling and civil rights–was  found not guilty on charges of second-degree murder and manslaughter produced a tumult of shock, disappointment, and anger in Ms. Hastings. Many close friends and relatives noted the Northwestern University biology major’s rapid politicization regarding the pervasive racial discrimination inherent in the legal framework of the United States has occurred even faster than the last time Ms. Hastings learned about the racist underpinnings of much criminal enforcement, after hearing Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” for the first time.

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Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

6 Jun

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

"I'm allergic to cats."

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American Continue reading

Taco Bell Announces Plan to Expand in Colorado, Washington

7 Nov

A Taco Bell location, proudly serving some of the best Mexican food one can find within 45 feet of Taco Bell.

Irvine, CA – Taco Bell CEO Greg Creed announced earlier this afternoon that the fast food restaurant chain was planning to open 75 new locations in Colorado and Washington.

The move comes as a shock to many, especially considering that much of the company’s annual budget has already been exhausted promoting and debuting the “Doritos Locos” taco.

“I will admit that, while we do feel this move is strategic, it is also sudden,” explained Creed.  “We’re acting upon a very reliable and certain recommendation from our marketing department, which has spent the last several years analyzing the market for food that is inexpensive but still delicious.  However, they recently shifted their focus to the market for food that is just inexpensive, and we feel that entering that market is a shrewd financial play.”

Creed added: “Besides, there’s no good Mexican food in Colorado.”

Residents of the two states have demonstrated mixed reactions to this announcement, but there are an overwhelming number of proponents of the expansion.

“This is, like, seriously awesome,” stated Spruce Thompson, a 32-year-old unemployed resident of Boulder, Colorado.  “Especially if there’s a Taco Bell, like downstairs.  Oh man.  I would go there all the time.  Remember how cool that chihuahua was when he advertised for Taco Bell?  Seriously unbelievable.  Talking Chihuahua, that stuff’s brilliant.  Blew my mind.”

No other residents of Boulder could be reached for questioning.

The Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever

7 Dec

You may have heard of Rick Perry. He’s a candidate for president running in the Republican Party. He used to be George Bush’s pet lieutenant governor in Texas and was reportedly scarred by separation anxiety after Georgie Boy left him for Washington.

He also owned a shooting ranch. He decided the name of that ranch should probably have the most racially offensive word his limited vocabulary could think of.

Here’s another fun fact: Rick Perry is not going to be president. However, he released today a super cool new campaign ad that will make you all love him. Here it is:

Without further ado, I present the Top 10 Reasons Rick Perry’s New Ad Is The Worst Thing Ever:

1. The Title
Strong? That’s a weird way to spell “Blatant Hail Mary for the Evangelical Vote in Iowa.”

2. “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian.”
Yeah, well thanks to assholes like you, the rest of us are. It’s because of homophobes like this that other Christians have to spend all day explaining that we like the parts of the Bible about “luhhing thy neighbor” and “blessed are the poor” and “eternal salvation” more than the dietary restrictions or instructions on selling thine daughters into slavery. Like, seriously, stop it. I’m sick of explaining that 1% of the Christians own 90% of the bigotry.

3. “You don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong.”
It’s literally like he views religion as some sort of item on a checklist. You sat in a pew on a particular day of the week? FORGET WHAT YOU BELIEVE OR DO, YOU ARE NOW A CHRISTIAN CONGRATS WE’RE ALL SO PROUD OF YOU.

4. “There’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military”
Yeah I just doubled up on a line. What of it? That’s how fucking heinous this piece of horseshit ad is. Now then, there is almost nothing that angers me more than people demanding that all them gays be kept out of the military. While I have never served in the military, I’m pretty fucking sure that when you’re running into a hail of gunfire there is almost nothing as irrelevant as which type of genitalia you prefer in and around your mouth.

5. “But our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school”
Bro. I went to public school. We celebrated the living shit out of Christmas. So much Christmas. So little not Christmas. Now go change your underwear, take your pills and get back in your cage.

But in terms of school prayer, Rickie Bobby Redux hit the nail on the head. I’d sit in school all day just bursting at the seams to pray! But every time I tried, that dadgum Obamer would run in lock me up at the Guantanamo Bay just for thinking of it. It’s an outrage! Thank goodness there’s a candidate who finally had the guts to make school prayer an issue in a presidential election. Stupid Titmonger.

6. The fact that he stops walking up the hill after like three steps
Just going for a casual three-step stroll? Cool brah. I hope you’re happy with your life choices.

7. “I’ll end Obama’s war on religion”
No no, silly. That’s “Obama’s war on bin Laden” that you’re thinking of. And newsflash: YEEEEAAAHHHHH WE GOT HIMMMMMM. VICTORYYYYYY.

8. That his staff forgot to turn off the ability to like/dislike this video
As of my most recent viewing, 97.71% of those who responded disliked the video. Literally. 46,000 dislikes to 1,000 likes. You couldn’t get 97.71% of Americans to agree on how much they hate something if it was a contest between Casey Anthony and Adele.

9. His hair is so nice
Ugh. I’m gonna be bald by the time I’m forty. Fuck Rick Perry.

Wait, I was supposed to come up with ten things I hated? But I only have nine… Uhhh… What was that tenth one again? We had the uh… There was the… the… title and the uh… the war on religion… and uh… I can’t. The tenth one. Oops.

Got him.