SALINE, Mi. – According to sources, local man Evan McSweeny pointed out to a small group of his friends this afternoon that the holiday of Easter and the cult holiday of 4/20 occur on the same day in the year 2014 – April 20th.
“Yeah man, isn’t that nuts,” McSweeny reportedly commented to his friend group while giggling wildly. “Jesus is gonna be getting high off of God and shit, and off of some gnarly kush.” Continue reading
(via MTV)
EVANSTON, Il. – On Thursday night, shortly after Mayfest organizers announced that Chance The Rapper would be the daytime headliner at Dillo Day, your roommate excitedly declared that he met Chance at a party last summer. According to your roommate, the party was hosted by his high school buddy’s second-cousin at an apartment in the Southside of Chicago in late July.
Your roommate claims to have recognized the 20 year-old rapper immediately because he had been a fan of him “forever,” even before the release of his first mixtape, #10Day. Furthermore, your roommate “swears to fucking god” that he smoked a massive blunt with him outside and listened to him free-style rap.
When asked for comment, your roommate giddily recounted his life-defining experience: Continue reading
You’re the best. Like, the fucking greatest. You have no idea. However, your high friend – you know the one – has several ideas (only five of which are “Bring back the Oreo pizza”). Those ideas: all the reasons why you’re “dope as a mug.” We managed to record the most important ones here, so you know how “freaking great” you are.
Our suggestion from last year, which has yet to be passed by President Ani “The Punisher” Ajith.
What would you do with 10,000 dollars? Associated Student Government, as you may know, asks the entire student body this question every year. ASG then applies this sum toward the best answer. I spoke with several members of the Northwestern community regarding their opinion on the matter.
Cameron Jibril Thomas, Ph. D., Psychologist, CAPS: In light of Northwestern’s mental health epidemic, CAPS has responded with different services – clinical services, workshops, etc. – but there is a more effective and far-reaching option. $10,000 could buy 10 pounds of weed and go a long way to improving mental health on campus.
Growing your own weed is a great way to reduce greenhouse emissions from its transportation!
The Green Cup has begun. Yet another year’s Battle of Champions has kicked off. Who will make SEED the proudest? Who will prove themselves true warriors of conservation? Who is willing to go the longest without flushing their toilet?
Here are Sherman Ave’s 14 tips to show off your raw, feral dominance over all the others on campus.
Like you were drinking martinis on Dillo Day…
So you survived Dillo. Congrats.
But you should check the call log on your phone once you dig it out of the lakefill mud. You blackout-called a ton of people:
1. Your mom
She was out gardening on such a nice Saturday when she got a call from her least favorite child:
“Hi honey, how is your day?”
“It’s not just a day, mom. It’s fucking DILLO DAY”
“Did you say it’s Dildo Day?”
“No mom it’s Dillo, don’t you hear Danny Brown playing?”
Your mom listened, horrified at the screeching coming through her receiver, but thankfully your bad service made Danny Brown sound somewhat tolerable.
I’d give him the head of state.
I’m no political scientist. I have never peered over the edge of the fiscal cliff; my knowledge of U.S. foreign policy in Afghanistan is hazier than the only night I’ve ever been to the Deuce; and I picture the inner workings of the White House as strikingly similar to the Department of Mysteries in Harry Potter.
I am, however, a sucker for cool people doing cool shit. So SUCK IT, political ideologues – this election day, I’m gonna vote for Obama because he is both a PILF and the epitome of badass. Never mind that I believe in his straightforward adherence to old-fashioned democratic ideals – as in, equality in everything from universal health care and marriage to freedom of choice – or his defense of national parks, or the respect he commands internationally. That shit pales in comparison to his killer dirt-off-your-shoulder. The Obamas, ESPECIALLY Barack, are rad. Just like, super cool. Honestly, even if Obama was all, “Let’s just put Sasha and Malia and the dog in charge while I go surfing in Honolulu and smoke some weed,” I’d vote for him anyway. A cool president is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector.
You know what else is worth a million jobs in the manufacturing sector? Amateur poetry. And everyone knows that the best form of amateur poetry comes in snack-size haikus – traditional short-form Japanese poems that follow a 5-7-5 syllabic pattern. So without further ado, I present an artistic homage to my favorite prez’ campaign in a manner that’s about as political as a toy poodle.
On Michelle’s super-toned arms
Graceful, burnished, buff
Those arms could lift our nation.
Can I vote for them?
On Barack’s Rad Music Taste
Let’s contrast your tunes
– Kanye, Bruce, Aretha – Mitt’s:
Toby Fucking Keith.
On the fact that he has a puppy named in accordance with said music taste:
You’re the First Dog, the
Second Bo, the third chillest
White House resident.
On Weapons of Choice
In a real battle,
Your horses and bayonets
Would smash Mitt’s Big Bird.
On the book he wrote/dedicated to his daughters WHILE BEING A PRESIDENT
You wrote a FUCKING
KID’S BOOK about national
Heroes. Marriage me, plz.
Now that you’ve learned a little more about America’s favorite chiller firsthand – and gotten a little lesson in poetic brilliance along the way – I challenge you to come up with a haiku of your own about Mr. Barack! Challenge yourself and make it politically relevant. Better yet, make it dope.
Rock out with ur barack out,
Gwyneth
Photo courtesy of Ross Packingham and Ginger LeatherDream
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This month, take some time to focus on you. Take a bath, watch a movie, finally get around to burying that body. LOL JK! But there is a fresh dirt path in the park on Grove, approximately 10 feet, from the SW corner, and shovels are on sale this week at Ace Hardware. Pro tip: If you wear a fluorescent orange vest people will assume it’s community service! Happy “planting!”
Things to avoid saying: “I confess”
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may or may not die in a horrible, horrible terrorist attack on the El. You probably deserve it.
Your lucky day: Not Wednesday
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
When Jupiter moves into the apex of Croatia’s left nut, expect good fortune at your feet. That’s right, your new plaid Sperry’s Top Siders finally arrived in the mail! Your fraternity brethren will be drooling with envy, but they will have the last laugh when the snow disintegrates them by the weekend. But, of course, you will be too drunk to notice.
Things to avoid: KKD, DDD, DZ…you know what you’ve done
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You’re at the crossroads of what is sure to be a long journey. Question is, do you watch the video of the panda sneezing set to dubstep, or the new “Shit Adorable Kittens Say After Their Baths?” You also have a midterm paper worth 40% of your grade due tomorrow, but we all know that’s not happening. Pop another caffeine pill and watch them both. Six times.
Your lucky time of day: 7:34 pm (Brian will smile at you in Norbucks!!!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your month begins with a surprise, as the long lost twin sister you never knew you had shows up at your door! (All Geminis are twins, right? That’s how this works?) Even better news: She’s smokin’ hot! As a dude, you know it’s your right, nay, your responsibility to nail her. As a lady, it’s still your job to nail her and film it. Make it black and white, add come captions in a language you made up, and there’s a good chance you can get it into Sundance. If not, at least into the hearts of a few boys in AEPi. Oh, and all of this is definitely not weird at all.
Things to avoid: Taking your sister on a date to see “Shame”
Cancer (Jun 22- Jul 22)
Financial woes have been weighing heavily on your mind, but due to Saturn coming out of the closet, your problems suddenly vanish! Don’t question your roommates newfound money flow, just politely volunteer to peddle his “product” for him. And those little bags of white powder he’s been leaving around the house? I’ve seen enough episodes of Breaking Bad to know that is definitely NOT meth or weed, so stop worrying that you’re a “drug dealer” and start thinking of yourself as a “businessman!” Kellogg, Shmellogg.
Your lucky street name: Chet Haze
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Looks like it’s a good time for love! Just not for you, but I’m sure your best friend and girlfriend, whoops, EX-girlfriend, will be very happy together. It’ll all be okay! Turn off the Adele, stop licking cookie crumbs from the bag, and GROW A DICK. Maybe then you could keep a girl around long enough for her to see it, too.
Things to avoid: Admitting that you watch Say Yes to the Dress
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)
Everyone agrees you are the best, so why can’t your TA see it too? Did she really expect you to turn in that silly little 10-page paper about the Russian Revolution through the eyes of Tina Fey when you were busy catching up on Mad Men? And your theatre professor didn’t take too kindly to your idea of “sleeping as performance art,” but don’t fret! There’s still time to bring your grades up before Mommy and Daddy take away your new Lexus. Take one for the team, and bang that nerdy, silent girl from down the hall. She’s got a 4.0 average, and you’ll have 4.0 less things to worry about.
Your lucky charm: No bookworm girl can resist a man in thick-framed glasses!
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23)
Zeus is pissed at Snooki, which parallels your current relationship with your roommate. She’ll hit her breaking point near the end of the month, after you “borrowed-my-favorite-scarf-again-I’ll-kill-you-you-bitch-don’t-even!” You could take the high road (don’t ask ME how to get there, though) and apologize, perhaps buying her dinner to make up for it. But my real advice? Hit the road, girl, and ask for a room transfer. That’s what you get for living in drama-heavy Elder. Pick a nice, quiet, place like ISRC, where you can almost guarantee no one will ever talk back to you. You will be their queen! Enjoy your newfound power!
Things to avoid: Doing the dirty on your roomie’s bed
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
Let’s play good news/bad news. Good news! The Tsar has been overthrown! The revolution is over! Huzzah! I’ll tell the people of 1917 you’re very happy for them. Bad news: meanwhile, in 2012, your family dog gets hit by a truck. Good news: He wasn’t really your dog! Bad news: I’m joking. (Too soon?) Good news: He didn’t have cancer! Bad news: You do.
Your lucky charms: will taste bitter after you learn the news
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The B-list stars are aligning, which means that this month is a good time to expand your talents. Take a pottery class, pick up the harmonica, try swallowing fire while juggling swords and riding a unicycle. Naked. Trust me, I watch Grey’s Anatomy which basically means I’m a doctor. And if these new escapades don’t work out, don’t be discouraged! Just get right back out there and try, try again once you’re released from the hospital!
Things to avoid: Nothing! Stare death in the face while flipping him off!
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The smell of a blooming romance is in the air! At least that’s what you think. Turns out to be the rotten Joy Yee’s leftovers on the bottom shelf of your fridge. But hey! At least you (probably) won’t die alone, your cat happens to love the smell of Chinese food!
People to avoid: That boy in your poetry class that caught you sniffing his hair in last week’s discussion section
Have a good month! And remember, things will never be as bad for you as they are for George Lopez’s fan club!
They're really cool bands. You've probably nev -- oh fuck it.
The all-ages show started near 7:00, presumably to get all the high school kids that came out in droves to support two rising and youthful independent rock bands home before their parents’ curfews. No Joy opened the evening with a presumably solid set, considering the musical company they keep, but we unfortunately were not able to make it to the Fullerton Red Line stop in time for them.
All that liberal arts education and PBR. WASTED!!!!
Considering how much she likes weed, this is an artistic rendering of what she would have seen.
Post-Stage Dive
Keep in mind that this is the same guy who threw a shoe at his drummer, and sells weed grinders at certain shows.
That isn’t to say that self-image isn’t important for the band or their fans. In an era when the term “hipster” is both a condemnation and an achievement, a Best Coast/Wavves show highlights the importance of everything from fashion to musical taste to post-show meal (all the cool kids go to McDonald’s) as a means of both distinguishing oneself as an individual while identifying with a larger alternative subculture. But I’ll save such issues for the sociologists of the next decade.
A cat after watching Dana Carvey on SNL
Best Coast and Wavves combined their weed and California-induced musical prowess to put on a great show at a great venue. Lincoln Hall is rapidly becoming one of the most popular musical venues in the Chicago area, thanks to its impeccable sound quality, comfortable and spacious design, and willingness to bring respected alternative acts to the city at a relatively cheap price. For only $17.50 in ticket and transportation costs, I saw two up-and-coming great bands with ardent fans, all on a Tuesday that promised little more than a dreary study session at the library at best.
Did we mention that both bands really like cannabis?
Sherman Ave 