Moorehead, expounding further upon his top 5 all-time shmears
SAINT PAUL, MN — Macalester College freshman and Westchester County native James Moorehead will not shut up about the elite nature of New York City’s bagels or pizza, sources report.
“I don’t know, there’s something about a New York City bagel that you just can’t find anywhere else,” complained a wary Moorehead at his local Einstein Bros Bagels. Added the Bedford native, “I think it has to do with the water or something.”
Johannson, preparing his natural habitat.
WESTCHESTER, NY–Hoping to fight increasing boredom and decreasing self worth, incoming freshman Eric Johannson attempted to hibernate for one month, planning to wake up in time for Wildcat Welcome Week.
“I heard the dark month–you know, that month after everyone else leaves for school while you’re still stuck at home–is totally killer,” said Johannson, a week before the beginning of his hibernation. “I mean, what are you supposed to do, hang out with your parents? Yeah, ooookay.”
That Guy, after a hard day’s work of being That Guy.
At approximately 11:17 am on Wednesday, multiple students in Professor Seeskin’s History of Ancient Philosophy lecture witnessed that guy, sporting a flat-brim Northwestern hat, polo shirt, and boat shoes, during a discussion of Aristotelian morality.
That Guy, who spent a majority of the 50-minute lecture alternatively coiffing his hair and massaging his pectorals due to his early morning workout, also reportedly would not shut up, repeatedly challenging the chair of the Philosophy Department on inane trivialities and recounting prior experiences of his from his adolescence in Westchester, NY.
Despite repeated warnings to “Not be That Guy,” That Guy then proceeded to play bubble spinner on his laptop computer for the remainder of class, scour over his fantasy football team’s lineup, and converse with the bro sitting next to him regarding his prurient intentions for the slampieces seated a mere three rows away.
As of press time, That Guy’s plans for the rest of the day were still undecided, but sources suggest that That Guy will go on to be a total dick on the beer pong table while playing the new Dave Matthews album.
Dear Vandy,
Get fucked.
Seriously. We mean it. From the 20 of us hanging around Evanston and the scores more waiting at home in Westchester for school to start, Wildcat nation would like to invite you to get fucked come this Saturday night.
Wipe that smile off your face and pay attention. We’re not talking about “getting fucked up,” so you can leave your Miller Chill and Croakies back with your Brad Paisley in that just-southern-enough-to-make-you-feel-uncomfortable city you call home.
No. Vandy, you’re going to get fucked so bad the University will have to change its nickname from the Commodores to the Rear Admirals.
When the lights come on at Ryan Field this weekend, prepare to get smoked by the Wildcats like it’s the U.S. News and World Report college rankings.
#SyracuseGotFucked
Sure, Jordan Rodgers hooks up with Jordan Matthews more often than your frat brothers score with biddies in stupidly oversized hats. And yes, our defense has been known to Dukakis away a lead or two in the past. But at least our coach isn’t the biggest chauvinistic prick your school has produced since Jay Cutler, an impressive feat coming from a school like Vanderbilt.
When did being the doormat of the entire SEC allow for you to eschew all reason and presume you would not get entirely fucked this Saturday? If the robber baron founder of Vanderbilt University could conceivably win a douche-off against Northwestern’s genocide-apologist forebearer, is that really a good thing?
#GetFuckedVandy isn’t just a hashtag. It’s a promise. Venric Mark will annihilate you. Chi Chi Ariguzo will strangle you. Pat Fitzgerald will outman you and Kyle Prater will dickslap Al Gore just for good measure.
Get fucked Vandy.
Cordially,
Evander Jones
LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE to sign our petition to stop the Vanderbilt University Football Team’s brutal clubbing of baby seals.
I see 2,000 future friends
At first, making friends with complete strangers in a strange, strange land replete with fraternities, an all-night Burger King, and theater students can seem like a frightening challenge. But that’s no cause for alarm. Everybody is in the same boat as you, and upon completion of your freshman year you will be astounded by how many cool friends you have made and how many mysterious names still remain in your phone’s contacts — the forgotten identities of all your over-eager peers who decided to try and befriend you due to your proximity to one another at March through the Arch. Just remember that friendships grow organically and cannot be forced, unless, of course, you follow our sage wisdom on how to meet new friends.
Sherman Ave 