Advertisements
Tag Archives: wet dream

Jennifer Lawrence Agrees To Go Topless in Ross Packingham’s Fantasy

9 Jan
Said Packingham, "Oh my God, I swear this has never happened before."

Said Packingham, “Oh my God, I swear this has never happened before.”

EVANSTON — Move over, Pippa Middleton! Jennifer Lawrence, shining star of the Hunger Games, has verbally agreed to remove her shirt in Ross Packingham’s wet dream, scheduled for release next Friday night.

“Just the shirt, please dear god,” Lawrence allegedly said. “Anything else and I’d be really really uncomfortable.”

Continue reading

Advertisements

Super Tuesday Predictions

6 Mar

Wolf Blitzer can't stop trimming his beard in anticipation.

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The closest thing we’ve got to a national primary. The kind of day Karl Rove and George Stephanopoulos have wet dreams about. The moment we finally find out just how ambivalent Americans feel about Mitt Romney. It’s Super Tuesday! Follow our state-by-state guide for a comprehensive examination of how these 10 states will select their 2012 Republican nominee.

OHIO
I’ll be honest. Most of my knowledge regarding the state of Ohio comes from either Bristol Bacchus or Cleveland jokes. But if this state thought that it would be a good idea to induct the Beastie Boys and Neil Diamond into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, then I’m not sure how well I can trust the judgment of its citizens. The race between Santorum and Romney might be more unpredictable than a LeBron James televised announcement, but I think Romney pulls ahead after he is quoted at a campaign stop admitting that, like LeBron, he’s working on an autobiography but just can’t come up with a title.

GEORGIA
At the time of me writing this post, the New York Times has already called Georgia in favor of Gingrich with less than 1% of the polls reporting. Which is a relief, as it saves me the time of having to come up with jokes about Sherman’s March to the Sea, Coca-Cola, peaches, or how the 76 delegates up for grabs seems like a remarkably similar figure to what I assume the ex-Congressman’s BMI looks like.

OMG guyzzz y doesnt nybody lyke me??!?

TENNESSEE
Just once I want to see Mitt down a fifth of Jack, stumble through the electric slide at a Nashville honky tonk, drunk dial Tipper Gore, and finish the night sobbing outside of Graceland. I think if he can pull all four off before the polls close, he might have a fighting chance is stealing this Southern state from Gingrich. At least as much of a fighting chance as Johnston and Beauregard had at the Battle of Shiloh.

ALASKA
After ringing endorsements from Balto and Jewel, Ron Paul carries the Alaska primary by appealing to voters’ enthusiasm for legalized weed to help get through the winter and increase appreciation for the Northern Lights. Rumors abound that Gingrich promised to “drill baby drill” Sarah Palin if he was victorious, but are dismissed by Newt as a smear campaign invented by the devious liberal media hell-bent on distracting the American people from the real issues at stake in this election.

MASSACHUSETTS
In a surprise upset, Governor Romney arrives in a time machine from 2003 to defeat the current conservative incarnation of Mitt. The 2003 Romney also extols on the virtues of comprehensive health care, the success of the invasion of Iraq, and the musical brilliance of Evanescence.

IDAHO
What’s bland, white, and favored by many Irish Catholics? The Republican Party! Also, potatoes. Seeing that Idaho has a lot of both, I predict that a bland white Republican will win the Idaho caucus. Or maybe just a really fat potato dressed in a suit that many voters mistake for Newt Gingrich.

NORTH DAKOTA
North Dakota sucks so much, it’s developed an inferiority complex towards its neighbor to the South whose main claims to fame include a palace made of corn and a brief cameo appearance in North by Northwest. The state’s main exports are natural gas, lonesome prairie wind, tumbleweed, and depression. Even the nuclear missile silos left as soon as humanly possible. Like my seventh-grade self at the middle school dance, North Dakota’s willing to devote itself entirely to the first poor soul who shows it a shred of interest. All Romney has to do is show up and call North Dakota within the next three days to seal the deal.*

Pyrotechnics would really bolster his campaign stops

OKLAHOMA
The official rock song of Oklahoma is “Do You Realize??” by The Flaming Lips, which is pretty awesome until you imagine every citizen in the state singing “Everyone you know one day will die!,” and that the closest competition to The Flaming Lips for this prestigious title was the All-American Rejects’ “Move Along.” This, along with the fact that Oklahomans couldn’t come up with anything more original for their actual state song than fucking Rodgers and Hammerstein means that this state is bound to go for Ron Paul.

VERMONT
So long as the citizens of Vermont can find enough time to vote in between their busy schedule of wearing flannel, tapping for maple syrup, and not showering, I bet they go with the pride and joy of the Northeast, Scott Brown.

VIRGINIA
Considering Rick Santorum’s penchant for desperately holding on to socially conservative values that went out of vogue in the 1960s, the former Senator’s statement that Chief Justice Warren’s ruling in Loving v. Virginia “makes me want to spew some sort of vile amalgamation of vomit, semen, feces, and bile out of every orifice possible,” provides the essential vitriol necessary to win this key swing state despite not even making it on the ballot.

——————————————————————————————————————————
*Imagine, if you will, the charming Mitt Romney sauntering up to North Dakota, standing in the corner looking forlornly at all the cool kids being courted by swarthy Super PACs, and asking it to slow dance with him while Jessica Simpson’s “Take My Breath Away” plays in the background. I bet North Dakota would immediately take Romney home to Fargo and let him frack her all night.

9 Historically-Inspired Pornos That Never Made It

25 Jul

The document is also famous for requiring King John to adhere to a predetermined safe word

9. Magnum Carta
In a shocking display of civic and sexual liberty, a group of well-endowed barons fight against the tyranny of King John “Softsword” of England by proclaiming their freedom from arbitrary sexual mores. A merry jaunt throughout the English countryside ensues, including a “jousting” match with King Arthur over Guinevere, an ill-fated run in with the Duke of Cunterbury, and an intense search for the Holy Grail of Virility in a nunnery. This historical work is sure to probe the annals of history with by transporting the audience back to the days before body-shaving became an accepted social practice.

8. Battle of Assterlitz
In this no-holes barred epic sparring match between three emperors, Napoleon proves that it’s not size that matters, but how you use it. Making up for his diminutive height with excessive girth, Napoleon (a.k.a. “The Dicka from Corsica”) dominates Alexander I before introducing the liberal French concept of mutual oral sex to Central Europe and instituting the Napoleonic Bro-Code over all his subjects. Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy would later chronicle the event in his famed 1400-page historical novel War and Peace and Splooge

Armstrong sexiling Aldrin from the lunar module

7. Full Moon Landing
The year 1969 just got even better. Famed astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin decide to take their American thrusters up to the moon to try and go where no man has ever gone before. After “planting their flag” in extra-terrestrial terrain, the two men then troll for martian babes in their lunar rover, eventually finding three sisters named the Sirens of Titan to engage in some of the most captivating zero-gravity zallywhacking caught on tape. Conspiracy theorists still claim that Armstrong’s landing was faked, but Full Moon Landing‘s point-of-view evidence is hard to ignore.

6. Pythagoras and the Love Triangle
Two Athenian women. One Greek philosopher. Triangles have never been so scintillating and geometry has never been cooler, as Pythagoras learns how to solve one of the most complex dilemmas of all time with just a simple right angle.

And you thought that today's porn stars had weird facial hair

5. Pickett’s Large!
July 3, 1863 was a day that shook America, as thousands of sexually frustrated women from both sides of the Mason-Dixon line marched uphill across a mile-long plain in pursuit of charming, pretty-boy Confederate general George Pickett’s notoriously gargantuan package. A ferocious battle ensued, as the hungry hordes fought amongst themselves viciously for the commander’s famed freakstick. After a sweltering afternoon full of girl-on-girl action, the victor of the bi-curious competition would ruefully be Mary Todd Lincoln, renowned leg-spreader. Years later, her only reflections on the experience would be: “Well, he certainly wasn’t a Little Round Top!”

4. Gang of Six
Balancing the budget has never been sexier as these six senators are forced to put aside their partisan differences in order to raise the roof (and the debt ceiling) with their clout. In the craziest sex act Congress has witnessed since Speaker of the House Boehner fellated every member of the Tea Party in 2010, Sen. Sexby Chambliss (R, GA) and Sen. Tricky-Dick Durbin (D, IL) spearhead a mind-boggling orgy of budget cuts and tax-raising that leaves Sen. Kent Cumrad (D, ND) shrieking in ecstasy and Sen. Tom Cobourn (R, OK) laying in the corner covered in body fluid and defaulted U.S. government bonds. Directed by Harry Reid and produced by President Obama, this masterpiece has received rave reviews that suggest it might be the best American political porno since Ronald Rumpleforeskin Invades Grenada: Operation Urgent Fury.

She was also in flagrant violation of Charles VII's "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy

3. Joan of Arc: The Maid of Orlèans
Claiming divine guidance, Joan attempts to throw off the shackles of English rule by sleeping with as many English soldiers as possible to convince them of France’s sexual superiority. Originally force to disguise herself as a man, a task she excels at, Joan miraculously lifts the siege of Orlèans with a simple lift of her skirt. After a role-play incident involving a witch’s costume goes terribly awry, however, she is burned at the stake for heresy. She was later exonerated, and named the patron saint of the French and trannies everywhere.

2. The Boobonic Plague
14th Century Europe gets rocked by the greatest disease ever witnessed. When Europe’s female population is exposed to this infection, they experience surprisingly large growth in the chest area and ravenous sexual desire, nearly overwhelming the male population and spreading the disease like wildfire. Bawdier than one of Chaucer’s wet dreams and starring Brooklyn Decker and Pamela Anderson as two serfs desperately searching for a cure before their backs break, this film tells the tale of how one epidemic forever changed the face, and breasts, of Europe.

Bet 7th Grade Social Studies never taught you about Revere's whip fetish

1. One If By Rear, Two If By Mouth
The British are cumming! Since a young age, we’ve been told all about Paul Revere’s heroic journey through the American colonies to warn his fellow countrymen of the approaching British, but we’ve never had as much exposure to the other aspect of his legend – his insatiable sexual appetite. In this classic, Revere tours the Original 13, regaling his female compatriots with his glorious meat-staff and giving a whole new meaning to “Paul Revere’s ride.” Don’t miss the plot twist at the end of the story, as Revere joins forces with his old wingman William Dawes to double the level of pre-revolutionary plowing.

Evander Jones and Ross Packingham