Tag Archives: Which One of you peasants stole my iPad

Selena Gomez arrives on campus; lives are ruined

5 Mar
Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

Gomez, after repeatedly declining invitations to audit Human Sexuality.

EVANSTON — According to several poorly worded texts from friends, Selena Gomez visited campus on Monday. She was spotted at Hinman dining hall eating a minuscule slice of pizza, conversing with the grill lady, and Instagramming the salad bar.

One student who was eager to be interviewed, Chester Hanks, decided to skip class in order to meet Gomez. “She’s my dream girl. I figured if I met her and threw down some of my sick verses, she’d want to star in my next incredibly creative music video,” said Hanks.

Reporters were unable to reach #Kinetik for a statement on Chester’s up-and-coming hit, titled “Which One of You Peasants Stole My iPad.”

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