The Pursuit of a Nook: One Freshman’s Attempt to Study in the Library

I did not leave Allison yesterday. I suppose this happens to the best of us. Saturday night’s debauchery and barefooted BK run left me with a slight headache and a load of academic responsibility for Sunday. Most of the time was spent in my room reading Shakespeare, and researching the Kanye West v. Jimmy Kimmel feud (#NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK).

I was essentially a troll, with my dark room representing the underside of a bridge. I didn’t even take advantage of free food in downtown Evanston because I didn’t want to put socks on.

Everyone knows Brutalist architecture inspires learning.

Today is a new day. I am wearing real person clothes, I am financially obligated to go to other buildings for classes, and I decided to explore the library in the hopes of getting some shit done. The shit being, but not limited to 1) finding a study area I can call my own 2) beginning a journalism paper and 3) wasting time before dinner and the inescapable gravity of the Allison dining hall.

Luckily, one of those would be accomplished as long as I didn’t choke on my own insignificance and die. And so I walked into the library with a friend, and the following journey began:

Translating Northwestern Listserv and Group Posts

Oh thank God, 20 more messages about the vomit in the bathroom!

If you go to Northwestern University, you are undoubtedly subscribed to a number of listservs and are identified as a member of many Northwestern-themed groups. Every day, you’re flooded with numerous emails and posts that you don’t give a second thought about. However, the majority of the posts do not mean what they appear to say. Since we at Sherman Ave are very concerned about maintaining an informed student body, we’ve compiled a guide to the most frequent listserv and group posts you’ll encounter at Northwestern.

Lost Items

Sample Post: “Hey guys, I lost my wallet and wildcard somewhere in the frat quad last night. I’m not sure where I dropped them, but I think I lost them somewhere around there. If anyone finds them, please let me know. Thx!”

Meaning: “I lost my self-respect and dignity somewhere in the Beta House last night. However, since my possessions are probably damaged beyond repair, I guess I’d be able to settle for being able to pay for meals to make up for all the food I ‘lost’ on the steps of Bobb.”

Interviews

Sample Post: “Hey, I’m a Journalism Major and I’m looking to interview someone who does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here] for my enterprise story. If someone does [insert interest here] or has [insert problem here], please contact me. Thanks for the help guys!”

Meaning: “I really don’t have many friends because I spend most of my time learning grammar and worrying about Medill. I’m really excited to talk to anyone about anything. I don’t have great communication skills so scripted conversations are the only ways I can talk to anyone. Someone please talk to me…Please….PLEASE!!!!”

Selling Things

Sample Post: “I’m selling all of my books from Macro, Chem, and EDC last quarter. Contact me if interested. I’m very flexible on price.”

Meaning: “I’m dropping my real major for sociology. Last quarter was hell and I can’t stand to have these fucking books staring me in the face every time I get back “The Family and Society.” Will somebody please take them away? Maybe for a dollar? 50 cents? JUST FUCKING TAKE THEM!!!!!”

Funny Posts

Sample Post: “I came to Northwestern for the sports teams. We’re, like, SOOOOO GOOD at football lol.”

Meaning: “I’m not very good at coming up with funny things normally, but when I think of something, I need to share it with everyone I can. You should totes like my post and validate my self-worth.”

Ross Packingham replenishes his beer fund by scalping CSO tickets

Extra Tickets

Sample Post: “Me and a friend bought 5 tickets to [insert event here], but the other people can’t go. If you’re interested in coming, please message me asap. Thanks!!!”

Meaning: “My one friend and I bought extra tickets to [insert event here] because we really aren’t good at making friends, but we figured nobody could resists free stuff, so someone would have to be our friends. We thought about just paying people to be our friends, but we thought that was going too far. But yeah, everyone should TOTALLY come and be our friends!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ xoxo”

Hopefully this guide has helped you to understand the inner-workings of the minds of your fellow students.

Who You Shouldn’t Be Buying Christmas Presents For

Christmas is the time of giving, as we’ve been constantly reminded by incomprehensibly cheerful Salvation Army bell-ringers and incomprehensibly bothersome commercials. (We get it, he went to Jared. Whooptee-fucking-doo.) However, there are times when giving is taken too far, and things just become awkward. To remedy this potential issue, we have drawn up a list of people for whom you definitely don’t need to buy gifts.

The greatest gift of them all

Your Last Hookup
Okay, so she was a good kisser. That’s fantastic. And she wasn’t as clingy as the last person with whom you hooked up, who you are pretty certain hired a private investigator to follow you. That’s even better. But this doesn’t mean your hook-up (let’s just refer to her from now on as “Jessica”) deserves a gift. With hook-ups, it’s just a slippery slope; one day you’re buying Jessica a moderately priced necklace, and the next day, she’s pregnant with your child. And not only do you now have to deal with that mess, but the necklace itself will only ever remind you and Jessica about those four and a half minutes of ominous, unemotional penetration. When it comes down to it, it’s just a waste of money.

Your TA
There’s no way to emerge victorious from this situation. I’m sorry, but a relationship built upon a foundation of discussions about GATT (or the Global Agreement on Trade and Tariffs, bitch) leaves no room for a thoughtful holiday gift. Besides, how would one ever know what gift to buy for their TA? The only thing I know my TA likes is asking incredibly vague questions and letting an inconceivably awkward silence simmer for 5 or 6 minutes until someone finally conjures up a bullshit answer. And that’s not something money can buy.

The Keg Bouncer
If you buy a Christmas present for someone, it implies that you have, at some level, a personal relationship with that person. Last time I checked, a “personal relationship” entails more one-on-one contact than seeing someone’s Wildcard on a bi-weekly basis. Otherwise a Keg bouncer would have more personal relationships than Herman Cain at a Victoria’s Secret.

Mitt Romney
The guy flip-flops so much you’d never have a clue what to get him. A pro-choice policy? A pro-life policy? You just don’t know. Besides, do Mormons even celebrate Christmas?

What do you get the man who owns every possible color of purple ties?

Morty Schapiro
This is a tricky one, because on the one hand, there is no one in the world that doesn’t owe Morty a gift. From Libyan rebels who President Schapiro helped when he killed Qaddafi to rural Congolese citizens who he helped when he permanently cured AIDS, Morty’s laudable actions have left no person untouched. On the other hand, however, there is nothing we can give Morty that he doesn’t already have. Unless you can somehow procure for him a restraining order from Sir Edward Twattingworth III.

Sir Edward Twattingworth III
We encourage all readers to avoid sending Christmas gifts to Sir T-worth because it will only perpetuate the unchecked power-trip around which he has modeled his life. Besides, I have it on good authority that he is already getting everything he wants – a Pippa Middleton blow-up doll and a beginner’s pole-dancing kit.

That Guy You Met in the SPAC Showers
This guy clearly does not need gifts from others. Remember that timeless holiday song? Twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-self-gratifying.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Sporting Events

Intimidating the Big 10 since…

Editor’s note: This “article” first appeared in 2011 and has not in any way been updated at all since then oops. We’ll call it a flashback or something and many of the lessons still apply.

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I’m going to go out on a limb and say that when you chose to come to Northwestern over the University of Crapcago, you did not decide to do so because of NU athletics.

See, this one time, Northwestern football decided to lose 34 straight games just for fun. And then, this other time, Northwestern basketball decided to never make the NCAA Tournament. As a joke. And it’s really fucking funny.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: The Keg of Evanston

If you're 20, you're probably too old to go in here.

The Keg of Evanston, referred to fondly in some social circles as merely “The Keg,” is a fine establishment that will undoubtedly be an integral part of every freshman’s awkward array of gruesome events. Located only a few blocks off campus (close enough to be convenient, far enough to facilitate some of the most trying late-night walks in recorded history), the KOE is consistently ranked as one of the nation’s top college bars, inaccurately giving validation to Northwestern’s lamentable social scene. The Keg is like Mount Doom – at first, the thought of it is very intimidating, but if you can manage to get inside of it, you run the risk of having a ruefully unattractive creature bite your finger off.