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Tag Archives: Wildcats

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

10 Apr

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

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50 Column Headlines You Wouldn’t be Surprised to See in The Daily

10 Mar
  • (via Twitter)

    (via Twitter)

    Johnson: Cars Have Wheels

  • Johnson: Radiators Helpful In Winter

  • Johnson: Rolly Chairs More Mobile Than Normal Chairs

  • Johnson: Staplers More Useful With Staples Than Without

  • Johnson: TV Good Way To Watch Moving Pictures

  • Johnson: Losing Keys Creates Problems

  • Johnson: Jaywalking Can Occasionally Be Dangerous

  • Johnson: Russia Might Be The Largest Country In The World

  • Johnson: It’s Warmer When The Sun Is Out

  • Johnson: Lake Michigan Probably Larger Than Lagoon On Campus

  • Johnson: For Theater Majors, Continue reading

29 Things that will Happen at Northwestern Just After You Graduate

12 Feb

1) The US News & World Report will rank Northwestern in the Top 10 Best Schools in the Nation.

Opening date: June 21, 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

Opening date: June 20 2014, THE EXACT MOMENT Commencement ends. (via The Daily Northwestern)

2) The University will purchase 25 new safe ride cars.

3) The new student center and lakeside athletic facilities will be built literally overnight, complete with sports bar.

4) Morty will commission a Continue reading

Winter Quarter at Northwestern is Amazing and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

5 Jan
(via northwestern.edu)

(via northwestern.edu)

Listen up, Wildcats. Betches love to complain about winter in Evanston. It’s soooo cold. Rush is soooo boring. I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. Nobody will ever love me. I’m going to die alone surrounded by my cats and McKinsey and Company employee of the month awards. The passage near Kellogg is like totally a wind tunnel. I should have gone to Madison, it’s totally not this cold up there. My Wings Over order is taking sooooo long to get here. Where is my Honey BBQ? Where is the Frosbite Express??!??!?

I’m gonna stop you right there. Winter quarter is amazing, you just don’t know it yet. Here’s a rundown of all the reasons why January through March are a wonderful time to be a Wildcat:

Continue reading

7 Observations From Being Home For Break From Northwestern

4 Jan
Bonus observation: The lakefill looks like a man pooping on the library.

Bonus observation: The lakefill looks like a man pooping on the library.

Nothing brings clarity to a Northwestern student quite like being home for the holidays with a refrigerator full of your parents finest beer. Here are the observations of one Wildcat on life on the outside.

1. Nobody will compliment you on how good you look ever again*

Maybe you’re like me and were in peak physical condition sophomore year of high school. Maybe you’re also like me and your body stopped changing for the better by the time Wildcat Welcome Week rolled around. Or maybe you’re like me and just not that good looking to begin with. Either way, you can kiss those “oh my god you look so great!”s and “wow, bro, you lift?”s and “hey, so the thing is, I never would have broken up with you outside of Six Flags Great America’s Raging Bull if you looked like that”s goodbye. Your physique has started what promises to be a decades-long decline, and all that you have to look forward to is people poking your love handles and observing how fat you’re getting. But hey, making donuts with your belly is pretty fun, right?

Continue reading

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2018

13 Dec

AHHHHHHYEAAAAAAYYYYY YOU’RE GOING TO NERDWESTERN NORTHWESTERN NORTHWASTED !!!!!

Congratulations. Sincerely. You took 7 or 8 AP exams and scored somewhere 33+ on your ACT* You wrestled away your school’s student presidency from that fucking bitch Katie Taylor and you sacrificed a healthy sleep schedule for that batch of A pluses.

And now,

It’s all paid off.

Continue reading

Point/Counterpoint: Will Northwestern make the Rose Bowl?

7 Dec
(via chicagosidesports.com)

(via chicagosidesports.com)

POINT

by Evander Jones

As much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think that the good old Cardiac ‘Cats have a Nebraskan hail mary’s chance of making The Grandaddady of Them All. Unfortunately, there are more impediments blocking Northwestern from making the Rose Bowl than there are ways for NU to lose a game, but these three sticking points immediately jump out to me as reasons Northwestern doesn’t have a chance to make this New Year’s Tournament of Roses:

Continue reading

Mental Health at NU

4 Dec

This wasn’t supposed to be a “reaction article.”

This was supposed to be encouragement to those suffering to get help, an attempt at reviewing resources, a guide for friends of sufferers and a plea to take care of each other. It’s been drafted and re-edited by countless sources for months now. It wasn’t supposed to be immediately relevant.

Continue reading

The John Evans Curse

17 Nov

Anyone who has followed Northwestern’s football team this year knows that there is an invisible, intangible and entirely irreversible curse working against them. That’s not to say that the team should be 9-0 (there has been some less-than-stellar playing all around), but something is clearly afoot. It simply cannot be denied after losing to Ohio State because of a controversial spot on 4th and 1, losing to Iowa in overtime, losing to Nebraska because of a 50-yard Hail Mary touchdown with 4 seconds left, and now losing to Michigan on a last-second haphazard field goal that couldn’t even happen in Madden 2014. Continue reading

Dean of Students Requires Homework for those Entering Fitzerland

16 Nov

Students enjoying a nice tailgate after finishing their problem set for Econ 324 (via dailynorthwestern.com)

Evanston, Ill.—In an effort to ensure the safety and diligence of Northwestern undergraduates, Dean of Students Todd Adams revealed yesterday that those wishing to enter the pre-football game student tailgate, commonly known as “Fitzerland,” are now required to bring with them a backpack and some homework. Continue reading