Sherman Ave Interviews: Morty Schapiro

The Sherman Ave Editors (Evander Jones, Ross Packingham and Sir Edward Twattingworth III) sat down with Northwestern University President Morty Schapiro for an interview.  Why he agreed to let us do this, we may never know, but we sure are happy he did.

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Packingham: If you could make a drink called “The Morty,” what would it entail?

Morty: Oh man. Like an alcoholic drink?

Twattingworth: Wow, interesting that your mind went there.

Morty: Yeah… Well, you know when I drink, like last night–this is really exciting–but one-third orange juice, two-thirds Perrier.

Packingham: Perrier? Is that vodka? Or rum?

Morty: And they have to give me this much wine so I can hold it to pretend I’ll drink it, but I’m not a wine drinker. I like beer when I have Asian food. I like Thai beer, or Japanese beer or something.

Packingham: Like a Budweiser?

Morty: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those. So I’m not big on like American

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Res College Power Rankings

Well camouflaged into the surrounding sorority habitat.

Residential Colleges at Northwestern are designed to enrich the intellectual, cultural, and social lives of their students by extending the learning environment from the classroom to extracurricular life. Essentially, a res college is a dorm filled with like-minded nerds and future friends you’ll spend the next couple of years drinking, arguing, and (for the truly venturous souls) hooking upwith.

Willard Exec Board Endorsements

The pride and glory of this Residential College isn't going to perpetrate itself, bitches

The excitement in the air is almost as fervent as the atmosphere surrounding a primary for Congressional midterms as the election for next year’s Willard Exec Board rapidly approaches. Tomorrow night, Willardites will convene in the historic Rat Trap to determine which of their peers shall be elevated to the vaunted and estimable Willard Exec Board, a beloved group of civilian leaders who fearlessly govern the greatest Residential College known to man.

Suffice to say, this is a pretty big deal.

History has proven that it takes an educated constituency to elect the best officials to govern and protect a democracy (which certainly explains how Bachmann got elected). Here at Sherman Ave, we take our role as the 4th-most reviled Evanston-based news source very seriously, and, after much deliberation, have decided to throw the massive weight of our support behind three candidates whom we believe stand out so far from the field that they deserve recognition for their innate superiority over the others.

Ms. Chilton during a brief period of thoughtful repose

Vice President: Katie Chilton
Willard’s Vice President is one of the most venerable positions on the Exec Board, most recently occupied by the great Carol “Lieutenant of Lusciousness” Li. Willard Vice President is a job that requires the charisma of a puppy, the mental fortitude of Bobby Fischer, and the ability to count (for housing points). Ms. Chilton has all of these prerequisite skills, and then some. With the political dexterity to both befriend all of Willard’s 2011-2012 Class in three days with her batshit-insane antics, and then turn around and pull all the necessary strings on the Exec Board to get things done, Chilton is the clear frontrunner and superior candidate.

Also, Ms. Chilton has promised that, if elected, she will upgrade Willard’s toilet paper to at least single-ply, always keep a free supply of warm chocolate chip cookies in her room, reinstate the annual Frances Willard Party (including the necessary keg on the roof), and create the new traditional “Naked March through the Arch.”

Clearly, this is a man you can trust to handle your dues

Treasurer: John Taseff
Little is known about this elusive Whiz Kid from the 4th floor, besides the shadowy rumors one hears around the sorority quad. Apparently, Mr. Taseff once fought, and defeated, 5 truckers in an Alaskan roadhouse after a heated dispute about the best way to beat Bobba Fett in Shadows of the Empire (for N64), was the creator of Google, Wikipedia, and College ACB, and is a close personal friend of Ben Bernanke (not to mention sworn enemy of Alan Greenspan).

His favorite economic phenomenon is a perfectly elastic market, his ideal dinner date includes Bulbasaur and Friedrich Engels, and his least favorite operating system is Linux. Needless to say, Mr. Taseff is over-qualified, not to mention over-awesome, for the job of Willard Treasurer.

Don't even TRY and deny this jawline

Secretary: Stephen Rees
At first, Mr. Rees might seem like your typical “breathtakingly handsome yet surprisingly humble, intelligent, and funny” run of the mill guy, but once you get to know him, he’s so much more! As Secretary, Rees’ most important duty would be composing and distributing the popular publication “Shits N’ Giggles,” hopefully at a rate somewhat faster than the current speed, which is about as quick as a turtle with a heroin addiction. With his astounding wit and intellect, Rees is guaranteed to leave you both shitless and giggled out by the end of your stay in the stalls.

But Rees’ credentials extend much further than his impeccable comedic style. A Noble Laureate, Head Writer for Saturday Night Live circa 1975, and co-founder/editor of the popular blog Sherman Ave, Mr. Rees has displayed time after time his understanding and mastery of American literature and humor. We cannot stress how kickass of a Secretary Stephen Rees would make, or just how much the survival of all that is beloved about Willard relies on his election.

Hopefully, these endorsements prove helpful in the upcoming elections. No matter what, we have complete faith and trust in the ability of the democratic process to elect the best candidates for the Willard Exec Board. If not, we’d be no better than our despised, tyrannical neighbors, the Evans Scholars.

-The Sherman Ave Editorial Staff