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Tag Archives: William Henry Harrison

An Argument for No Northwestern University Classes on Presidents Day

18 Feb
Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

Fuck yeah. (via deviantart)

In 1776, one country dawned in a time of great uncertainty. The Communists hated the freedoms of this new nation conceived in liberty; the Canadians – the Canadians![1] – would soon go on to defeat this new country in war (twice); the leader of this republic, George Washington, was battling dentures, a vicious, dirty campaign from Frank Underwood (spoiler alert, sorry), and the Germans on the Western Front. But from all of this emerged a beautiful, proud nation. A nation that celebrated its leaders.

Yes, Northwestern University Administration, I am talking about America. And yes, Northwestern University Administration, this nation – OUR nation – beat the odds. From those dark times emerged Continue reading

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#GetFuckedIU

28 Sep

Mmmmm, you like that don’t you?

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Steve Buscemi and Rosie O’Donnell did it?

No?

Not even a little bit?

Because that’s all I can think about heading into tomorrow’s absolute and total fucking of Indiana at the hands of Northwestern.

In a battle of two schools tied for the all-time losingest records in college football history, it’s hard not to think of anything but two of the most appallingly atrocious humans of all time bumping uglies in a Walmart restroom. That said, at least Steve Buscemi — the Northwestern of this heinous pairing — has scored moderate success, including breakout years in the mid-90s and a return to relevance in the past few years. Rosie, meanwhile, is in constant flux between garnering irrelevance and disgust.

Anyways, IT’S TIME TO GET FUCKED IU.

Now, I’m not sure what exactly a “Hoosier” is, but I don’t think it would really like being double-teamed by Kain Colter and Trevor Simien while Seth Meyers sits in the corner and watches Saturday at 11. I bet Cam Coffman will turn as crimson as his uniform after witnessing the ungodly bestial acts performed at midfield tomorrow.

Be warned, Indiana. We’re going to abuse you like Bobby Knight circa 1997. Run your ass into the ground like the ass-drubbing William Henry Harrison administered to the Shawnee at Tippecanoe. Fuck you like Gary’s industrial economy.

We know that your student population mostly consists of hot girls we used to go to high school with and music majors, but don’t think that will stop Venric Mark and the Northwestern rushing attack from fucking you so hard that all jokes about Ball State University will just seem unnecessary (hint: it turns out that playing with Ball State was just the foreplay for what’s to come tomorrow at Ryan Field).

Safe to say, we’re going to screw you over like Governor Mitch Daniels having his way with a local union chapter.

Don’t worry Indiana. Being the taint of college football will be a challenge, yes, but let us advise you on the ways of sucking. Plastic bottles of whiskey certainly come in handy, as well as a healthy dosage of delusion and heinous.

And if all else fails to cheer you up, we hear that the smog and pockets of racism make for excellent sunsets along I-90 on your way back from tomorrow morning’s diddling.

HOOSIER DADDY???

May Heinous First-Round Results: Busch-Light Division

12 May

Anne Sullivan helps Helen Keller tap her first keg.

Helen Keller/Sun-Tzu vs. Hammurabi/John J. Audubon
Winner: Helen Keller/Sun-Tzu
Sun-Tzu’s extensive knowledge of strategy really helped bring his team to victory in this game.  Somehow, he was able to effectively rerack the cups in a way that his teammate, who we all know familiarly as “the deaf and blind chick we like to laugh at,” could sink three cups.  Moreover, their opponents proved not to be especially formidable.  Hammurabi spent most of the game just braiding his beard like he was Gimli the goddamn dwarf, and Audubon merely reinforced the well-known stereotype that ornithologists are not, in fact, beer pong all-stars.  Keller and Sun-Tzu had no trouble gliding to a three-cup victory.

“Rollbacks, bitch!”

WIlliam Henry Harrison/Queen Victoria vs. Friedrich Nietzsche/Genghis Khan
Winner: Friedrich Nietzsche/Genghis Khan
Although WHH curled up with a blanket in  a corner for a “nap” in the first 5 minutes and never returned (probably for the best), the game heated up quickly. Victoria alone was quite a match for Nietzsche and Khan, but soon the sexual tension became too much to handle. As Victoria and Khan took to each other like Lindsay Lohan to ruining her life, right there on the table, Nietzsche managed to finish the game by himself. Not 100% ‘legal’, strictly speaking, but are you really gonna argue with a man who has swords for arms and an iron dick? Or Nietzsche?


Yeltsin goes up for a high-five from Prime Minister Grey, following one of the few shots they made.

Malcolm X/Mao Zedong vs. Boris Yeltsin/Earl Grey
Winner: Malcolm X/Mao Zedong
Between Boris Yeltsin’s debilitating neurological disorder and Earl Grey’s refusal to drink piss-warm beer, the two were a very stoppable duo. What Malcolm X and Mao Zedong lacked in raw skill and compatible political ideologies they made up for in moral fiber. When Mao got discouraged after missing his fourth shot, Malcolm turned to him and shouted words of empowerment. “YOU ARE STRONG. YOU DESERVE TO WIN THIS.” And goddammit Mao turned it around. There was one sticky moment after Boris shot with his elbows over the table. Malcolm demanded that his team be awarded a three cup advance for Boris’ heinous transgression. Their offensively apathetic opponents were happy to oblige. Malcolm X and Mao Zedong shall proceed to round two.

We’re not sure if this is Neville Chamberlain or if it’s an ill-fated crossbreed of George Clooney and John Cleese.

J. Edgar Hoover/Cleopatra vs. General George Custer/Neville Chamberlain
Winner: J. Edgar Hoover/Cleopatra
This was one of the closest games of the first round, heading into a tense round of overtime before Hoover and Cleopatra emerged victorious.  Hoover and Cleopatra were a pretty cohesive team, which was evident when they chest-bumped after every cup they made.  General Custer made a pretty respectable showing, making 6 cups in regulation and 2 cups in overtime, but he was dragged down by Chamberlain, who is consistently ranked among history’s top 10 pussies.  When it was time for the rebuttal shot in regulation, Custer had to talk Chamberlain out of simply offering the Sudetenland to Hoover and Cleopatra in exchange for a tie.  However, the game was full of good sportsmanship, even amidst the overwhelming discomfort that ensued when Hoover celebrated by donning Cleopatra’s dress.

May Heinous Breakdown: Busch Light Division

1 May

Yesterday, we provided our coked-out fans desperate for Rogger Rabbit-themed porn loyal readers with the first May Heinous preview, a rundown of the competitive Pabst Blue Ribbon Division. Tonight we continue our coverage of the 32-team beer pong tournament with our preview of the historical figures within the Busch Light Division vying for the prestigious Morty Schapiro cup. Submissions for the official Sherman Ave May Heinous pool are open until Sunday, May 6th, and can be downloaded HERE before submitting completed brackets to shermanave1@gmail.com.

Somehow managed to graduate despite being drunk for most of her undergraduate years.

Helen Keller and Sun-Tzu
Helen Keller, bless her soul, was never one to take alcohol as a friend. It’s no surprise given drinking is only fun if you can see or hear the debauchery that occurring around you. So I would anticipate her be a supreme lightweight and either pass her drinks off to the little guy or blackout before we’re done. Considering as she’s already functionally “blacked out,” this shouldn’t take too long, but without most of her senses, Keller has little left to lose. While much has been made of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, far less scholarship has been devoted to Sunny’s earlier work, The Art of Pong. The treatise, hastily scrawled on cocktail napkins and the foreheads of Tzu’s vanquished foes, is considered by many Fratstars as the definitive piece on beer pong strategies and tactics at the time, and is still read for its insight, including the oft-repeated idiom “知己知彼,百戰不殆。”
Strengths: Strategy, Tactics, Parables
Weaknesses: Deaf, blind, already blackout
First-Round Opponents: Hammurabi and John Audubon
Team Cohesiveness: 3.7/10
Evander Jones and Porky Saltstick

Alone. Yet again.

Hammurabi and John James Audubon
Famed ornithologist, meet mediocre leader in Civilization IV. Hammurabi literally codified the rules of beer pong in stone, promulgating specific laws that governed rollbacks, overtime, re-racks, and punishing all transgressors with Sköl-induced death. Audubon, meanwhile, identified 25 new species of birds and a number of new sub-species, presumably to distract himself from his violent masturbation addiction. Expect Hammurabi to pursue a “Cup for Cup” strategy in the Ragin’ Mesopotamian’s quest to defeat Keller and Tzu.
Strengths: Rule of law, beards
Weaknesses: 1/2 of their team devoted his entire life to drawing pictures of pigeons.
First-Round Opponents: Helen Keller and Sun-Tzu
Team Cohesiveness: 1/10
Evander Jones

She really put the Dick in Dickensian

William Henry Harrison and Queen Victoria
Old Willy, as his friends and doctors called him, was the 9th president of the US. And I do mean old. Pretty sure this dude was about 185 or so (so meaning 68) when elected, and presidency did not agree with him.  And as far as beer pong skills go… have you ever watched your grandfather try to take his medication? Takes him about 6 tries to successfully get all of those little pills in his mouth. Now imagine that hot mess making an attempt at ping pong ball to cup.  Vicky, on the other hand, has the tenacity of a sea turtle. Not only did she rule the United Kingdom for 63 years, but she also managed to have 9 kids without going batshit cray. Endurance, patience, and a vagina are all qualities of an excellent BP player.

The weak American and the powerful Brit. A new sitcom on fox or the best drinking duo this side of the frat quads? Only time will tell.
Strengths: Child-bearing, defeating Indians
Weaknesses: Pneumonia, waning empire
Team Cohesiveness: 6.5/10
First-Round Opponents: Friedrich Nietzsche and Genghis Khan
Parrty Cat

Can we just go get baked instead?

Friedrich Nietzsche and Genghis Khan
Nietzsche was a smart chap, but he was no frat bro. His downfall will be his handlebar mustache, and/or the fact that he has probably never even heard of the game. On the flipside, he IS German, and if there is one thing the Germans are especially good at, it’s drinking impressively. Genghis Khan, on the other hand, is a scary motherfucker. The only moment of weakness he showed in his entire life was his death, the reason for which is still uncertain to this day. I personally like the theory that one of his thousands of biddies hid a small pair of pliers inside her lady cave, which meant that when he…well you know. Long story short: Khan is the ultimate warrior, and should have no trouble tearing shit up in a beer pong game.
Strengths: Brute strength, high tolerance
Weaknesses: Depression, walls
Team cohesiveness: 8/10
First-Round Opponents: William Henry Harrison and Queen Victoria
Parrty Cat

Shit, they’re heating up.

Malcolm X and Mao Zedong
Not to be confused with Denzel Washington, Malcom X is credited with boosting African American pride during the tumultuous Civil Rights era in the United States. His excellent rhetorical skills could really take a beer pong game in a number of directions. Mao Zedong, founder of the People’s Republic of China and a Communist revolutionary, is quite the interesting counterpart for Malcolm X. He kind of reminds us of that father figure who swears he has your best interests at heart, but also may publicly beat you to death if you don’t share your toys. We’re also not especially certain about Mao’s familiarity with the game.
Strengths: Team morale, self-image
Weaknesses: Temper, poor strategy
Team Cohesiveness: 3/10
First-Round Opponents: Earl Grey and Boris Yeltsin
-Marietta Von Festering

One day my name will be FAMOUS!

Earl Grey and Boris Yeltsin
Former British Prime Minister Earl Grey (or more specifically, Charles the 2nd Early Grey) hails from the prominent Grey family in Northumberland, England (aka no one’s ever actually heard of this fucker, but they named a tea after him). If you’re a pretentious dick then you know exactly what type of tea makes an Earl Grey blend, and maybe you even know why it was named after this Charles fellow. Boris Yeltsin, who was the First President of the Russian Federation, is known best for his grand plans to transform Russia’s socialist economy into a free market economy – a skill which is quite applicate to beer pong. He’s used to playing with vodka, so to him, drinking a six-pack of Natty Light is the equivalent of shotgunning a LaCroix.
Strengths: Socioeconomic reform, high tolerance (although Grey’s tolerance is presumably high only for tea)
Weaknesses: Sweating, being remembered for relationship with a beverage
Team Cohesiveness: 5.2/10
First-Round Opponents: Malcolm X and Mao Zedong
-Marrietta Von Festering

I see what you’re trying to do there.

J. Edgar Hoover and Cleopatra
Forget his 50-year stint with the FBI and his power to destroy naval spies – Hoover’s pong skills will blow everyone out of the water. After all, if a man can keep the plans of the most powerful nation in the world, his activities as a Freemason, and his cross-dressing habits under wraps, chances are he can throw a little plastic ball into a solo cup. Cleopatra, on the other hand, is woman enough for both of them. This Ancient Egyptian Queen will make up for what she lacks in beer drinking ability (I’m pretty sure she was too sexy to drink this figure-ruining beverage) with an evil-queen sex appeal and ridiculous charisma. That hot bitch will certainly throw off the other team while J. Edgar does serious work sinking cups/daydreaming about his limitless potential as Shirley Temple.
Strengths: Power-tripping, eye make-up
Weaknesses: Insecurity, asps
Team Cohesiveness: 9/10
First-Round Opponents: General George A. Custer and Neville Chamberlain
Gwyneth Effingmouth

Few know that Custer’s last stand actually happened at the basement of Sig Ep, when Crazy Horse wiped his ass on the pong table.

General George A. Custer and Neville Chamberlain
General Custer has many reasons to drink. His moplike mustache and goth button-up shirt lend him an undesirable serial rapist quality.  He is also best known by the systematic ass-kicking he endured at the hands of the Lakota tribe at Little Bighorn.  My guess is that what Custer lacks in accuracy, he’ll make up for in alcohol consumption.  Neville Chamberlain, Prime Minister of England during the rise of Hitler and the beginning of World War II, is known for pursuing a policy of appeasement, or “ass-kissing,” towards Nazi Germany. What Chamberlain lacks in testicles he makes up for in, well, nothing, because he’s probably the type of drunk who knocks back a couple of aged whiskey shots and then cries into the phone to his mother about his wish to return to the golden days of his childhood.
Strengths:  High rank, sharing first names with notable Gryffindors
Weaknesses:  Lack of testicles, lack of scalp
Team Cohesiveness: 5/10
First-Round Opponents: J. Edgar Hoover and Cleopatra
Gwyneth Effingmouth