Tag Archives: Winner

2011 Sherman Ave Reader’s Poll: Results

19 Jan

With 122 responses and a wide variety of exceedingly gruesome responses,* we were absolutely thrilled with the success of this year’s poll. So, after much anticipation (drumroll please), we present to you: RESULTS!

The hanging chad of our generation

Most Heinous Event of 2011
With 24% of the vote, the winner was: Rebecca Black’s “Friday” Strikes Youtube. This is undoubtedly the most atrocious non-majority victory we’ve seen since November 2000.

Best Place to Find and Enjoy a Hookup
Also with 24% of the vote, the winner was: A Frat House. Notable write-ins include “Baby Bash ski trip concert” and “Deer season in Indiana.” Surprisingly enough, nobody mentioned Sherman Ave HQ…

Favorite Sherman Ave personality?
With 30% of the vote, the winner was: Sir Edward Twattingworth III. We at the Ave have not a shred of doubt that this will result in a power-trip of unprecedented magnitude, but with Sir T-Worth, we’re used to it. Anything less than Putin-esque levels of self-aggrandizement would be a disappointment.

Best Song of 2011
With 15% of the vote, the winner was: “Someone Like You” by Adele. This can easily be understood by anyone who has ever been within a 5-mile radius of any intoxicated Sherman Ave writer. Or felt love.

Most Mouthgasms per Bite
With 33% of the vote, the winner was: Hot Cookie Bar. Notable write-ins include “your mom” and “Pippa Middleton.”

DAMN YOU HIPSTERS FOR RUINING THE BEANIE FOR ME!!!!

Best Coffee Shop
With 52% of the vote, the winner was: Kafein. This would probably not go over well with one of the respondents who wrote in the answer, “Hipsters are sub-humans.” Ross Packingham intends to use this landslide victory as a clear mandate to bring his Buddhism-influenced beat poetry to Kafein’s stage, supported by Brother Jürgen and Eleanor Kinkervoss on the bongos while Evander Jones attacks the chastity belt around his waist with a chain saw. Sadly, it will only the fourth-most heinous act on stage at that week’s open mic.

Best Place to Get Intoxicated in Public
With 27% of the vote, the winner was: Cozy Noodles. Among the many notable write-ins were: “Barnes and Noble,” “10am MENU class,” and “sidewalk.”

Best A Cappella Group
With 26% of the vote, the winner was: There is no such thing as a good a cappella group. A ruefully valid statement indeed.

Best Movie of 2011
With 29% of the vote, the winner was: Harry Potter 7.2. Notable write-ins include Twilight: Breaking Hymen and Pippa Middleton, both of which feature Morty Schapiro and Kate Upton in starring roles.

Best TV Show of 2011
With 17% of the vote, the winner was: How I Met Your Mother. Apparently people identify with drunken assholes frittering away the golden years of their lives chasing after unsatisfactory one-night stands. Far and away, the most heinous write-in was: “Is The Hills still on? I pick The Hills.”

Please Describe Morty Schapiro in 10 Words or Less
This one was actually too much for us to emotionally process. Top answer: “Why limit it to fewer words than his penis length?” Maybe once Ross Packingham’s poetry career takes off, maybe he’ll compose a sonnet using only these responses and youtube video comments.

What’s Up the Evanston City Council’s Ass?
With 35% of the vote, the winner was: a 14-inch dildo made of molten gummy bears. If that’s not already true, it can certainly be arranged.

Ever wonder how I got the name "Packingham?"

What is your Gender?
With 58% of the vote, the winner was: Female. AWWWWWW YEAHHHHHH!!!! Hey ladies, how’d you like to spend the night with the fourth-most popular Northwestern-centric blog? No?** Haaaaaaave you met Manua?

What Brings You to Sherman Ave?
With a staggering 70% of the vote, the winner was: Facebook. Needless to say, notable write-ins included “Pippa Middleton” and “all of your fucking Facebook posts.”

In conclusion, a huge thank you goes out to everyone who took this poll. We couldn’t do it without you. We hope that you were pleased with our unnecessary heinousness in 2011, and we will do everything in our power to take it to the next level in 2012. Most importantly, we’re comforted to see in the responses that the people who read Sherman Ave are just about as fucked up as the people who write for it.

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*Allowing for a standard error of approximately 69%.
**Fun Fact: The first time Sherman Ave was ever used as a potential pickup line occurred in line for the bathroom at an off-campus party. It was not successful.

Your weekly DWOMBOS (Daily Word Combinations)

19 Feb

There’s a new trend sweeping the nation, moving faster than the Democratic senators fleeing from Wisconsin.

"Douchey Governor" = Douchenor

This phenomenon is known affectionately by its proponents as Wombinations. Or, for those not in the know, word combinations: the grammatical practice of saving syllables, commonly used since at least fifth grade, when most likely, like I did, you heard the word “fugly” for the first time. Or the word “brunch.” Anyway, why bother saying two words when you can wittily combine them into one?

I’m a huge fan of wombinations in general. You’re at a party, you whip one out, and you instantly become a hero. Someone used the word “snigloo” to refer to a snow igloo after that blizzard, and I’m pretty sure I Facebook friended them the next day.

Sure, combining two words into one for every single sentence you utter may seem a little excessive (lexcessive), but why use two words (twords) when one will suffice (wuffice?)

To provide some inspiration for you amateur wombinators out there, I graciously have provided you with examples from my week. Hopefully this gets those brains churning and keeps you sounding fly!

My Dwombos: (Daily word combo. Yes, that’s three words in one. GET ON MY LEVEL.)

16 ounces worth of poor decisions

Saturday, February 19: Fralcohol.
Also can be shortened to fralch, for people experienced in the art of wombinating. This is an extremely complex wombination. The term technically refers to free alchohol, but also can be construed as “frat alcohol.” This refers to the fact that girls can get free alcohol at most frats. Thanks for helping shitshows everywhere, brothers! You have my shining approval.

Sunday, February 20: Fill.
I’m aware that fill is already a word, but in this case, it stands for “fucking kill.” It’s best used when really frustrated with someone, and in conjunction with something like “with pudding” i.e; I will FILL YOU WITH PUDDING. (I will fucking kill you with pudding.)

Monday, February 21: Kake.
No, I didn’t misspell cake. This is for a “Keg mistake.” Somewhat self-explanatory. The Keg of Evanston is infamous for these sorts of shenanigans. Many mistakes have occurred on the dance floor, or on the poles surrounding the dance floor…

Tuesday, February 22: Graight. (pronounced great!)
When I can’t tell if someone is gay or straight, they are “graight!” Oftentimes, they are also great. It works on a variety of levels.

The only plausible excuse to justify your purchase of the entire Phish discography

Wednesday, February 23: Hightunes.
Albums you accidentally buy on iTunes while under an inebriated state of mind, or songs that are freaking incredible to listen to while in the same state. Examples include “What Would I Want? Sky!” by Animal Collective … does anyone listen to Animal Collective as sobunes (sober tunes???)

Thursday, February 24: Winner.
As a Willard resident, I eat dinner at Willard EXTREMELY OFTEN. Or every night. No, it never gets old. Made to order entrees with a buzzer?!?! How much more awesome can you get?! PLUS that chef who told me he is going to force me to eat 30 pounds of baked cinnamon apples because I order them so often?! Anyway, back to the point. When you eat a Willard dinner, you are eating a winner. Thus, you are a winner because you are what you eat. Unstoppable logic.

Friday, February 25: Chaze.
In honor of Chet Haze’s new mixtape, I give you a way to sound knowledgeable about this up-and-coming STAR, Chet Haze. Never refer to him with two words again! (A bonus: freshman freak hoe = froe. You’re welcome)

With this guide and glimpse into some common scenarios in which wombinations are appropriate, I hope you will continue to dwombo it up. Make me a happy camper, kids — hamper.

by Alison Decker