Mittuational Comedies: Possible Ideas for Mitt Romney’s New BET Sitcom

Tyler Perry Presents: Mitt Romney’s White House of Payne

Have you ever imagined what it would be like for Mitt Romney to have his own sitcom — or rather, Mitt-com — on BET? I mean really thought it about? Well we hear at Sherman Ave have thought about it in great detail, and we have decided to share our best ideas for such an amazing creation, with you, our loyal followers. Here is a list of the best Mitt-coms the minds of Sherman Ave (and its contributors) could create:

Disclaimer: Heinous amounts of puns and rhyming are contained in this article.

“Mitt in Pitt:” Mitt Romney lives with Wiz Khalifa in the inner city of Pittsburgh, getting into all sorts of “shenanigans” in their quest for some dank shit and foreign policy experience. (Possible Line: “Kush? Is that, like, related to a couch cushion or something?”)

“That Mitt Cray:” Mitt Romney and Ann Romney are the game-makers as their five children compete to the death in the corporate arena. Whoever makes the most money gets to take healthcare away from the others!
–Sir Edward Twattingworth III

“Ball and Mitt:” Mitt is a retired baseball player trying to live vicariously through his son’s tee ball team.
-Big Spoon

“Mittriol:” Mitt gets mad. All the time. At everyone.
-Shtick Rick

“Ain’t That Some Mitt:” Mitt Romney is the (supposedly) lovable boss of a local struggling grocery store, constantly cutting employees and their benefits and attempting to get them to like him in the process.

“Hot Shhhhh-M-itt!:” Mitt Romney travels through America’s heartland, visiting the small businesses that make our country great, culminating in a shot in which he points at the product/service in question and stiffly delivers, to everyone’s mild discomfort, his catchphrase, “That’s some hot sh-Mitt!”
-The Artist Formerly (And Presently) Known as Kai

‎”ForMITTable Opponent:” Mitt tries to take on professional athletes, scientists, and others in their respective professions (Spoiler Alert: He fires anyone who doesn’t let him win).

“The CoMITTern:” Mitt goes back in time to 1919 and partakes in Lenin’s Communist International First World Conference to learn the true meaning of Socialism.
–Evander Jones

“Stuck in the MITTle with You:” Mitt Romney works as a city relationship consultant, trying to get couples to realize that the faults of their relationships are just due to the fact that they have not cut enough of the excess expenditures out of their day-to-day lives — like eating.

“Acquit Mitt:” A legal dramatic comedy starring Mitt Romney as an ace attorney who can solve any case, buoyed by an ensemble cast of black stereotypes.
–Sad Bones Malone

‎“That Mitt Spit:” Mitt Romney tries to make a name for himself in the underground rap circuit (and comes up with a surprising amount of rhymes for trickle-down economics).

“Misfit Mitt:” Mitt Romney hangs out with a bunch of black people. This is probably the simplest one. And honestly? The funniest.
-Sad Bones Malone

“Mitt-town Girls:” Mitt plays the lovable friend of 2 beautiful 20-something working girls. They think he’s gay, but he’s really just sensitive, awkward, and a devout Mormon.
–Commandant Leo Sextoi

“Unfit Mitt:” A sitcom depicting if Mitt Romney won the 2012 Presidential Election, and his subsequent misadventures in office.
-Sad Bones Malone

And I like my photo-ops stiff and contrived.

“I Like Mitt Sunny-Side Up:”Mitt Romney works as a chef at a Philadelphia 24-hour diner. Starring Sherman Hemsley as the owner and Donald Glover as Mitt’s outlandish best-friend and co-worker (Tagline: The customers at this restaurant like their soup served with Crackers).

“Mittrro 2033:” Based VERYYY loosely on the cult classic horror videogame, Mitt plays a subway station administrator from the future who must fight off hordes of zombies. The catch? He’s actually hallucinating from the fumes in the metro station, causing him to believe they’re zombies when they’re actually the wealthy commuters he has sworn to protect.
-Leo Sextoi

“In Deep Mitt:” Mitt Romney works at a local sewage company. The main theme: Mitt Romney covered in feces. Hilarity ensues.

“Her-mitt Talks:” Herman Cain and Mitt Romney swap stories about cooking, taxes, and their favorite boutiques.

I hope everyone enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it. Let us all pray that the producers at BET get to work on at least one of these ideas because, let’s be honest, there are few things funnier than the awkwardness that is Mitt Romney around African-Americans.

If you have any other suggestions for possible Mitt-based BET Sitcoms, don’t hesitate to CALL ME MAYBE!

Furor Scribendi: Zombies, Canadians, Rihanna, and Chet Haze (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pretend to be Malcolm Gladwell)

Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf and Evander Jones trade e-mails regarding celebrity, sport, and all things culture.

Evander Jones:
Dear Brother Jürgen,

Took him long enough.

What follows is a pitiful attempt to be either the Bill Simmons to your Malcolm Gladwell or the other way around. If need be, however, I am willing to settle as the Ke$ha to your Flo Rida. Either way I’ll probably come off as a DoucheMcMuffin, even if I edit our email exchanges to make us both look far more witty than our faithful Sherman Ave readers could ever imagine. A tricky task, mind you, as I just kind of assume that all of our readers are beautiful women between the ages of 18 and 27 who harbor a fond appreciation for unreleased Smiths B-sides, The West Wing, and Morty Schapiro to go with their rabid readership of Sherman Ave.

Wiz Khalifa’s “Roll Up:” A Literary Analysis

The muse quitely ponders his convoluted relationship

Some of today’s top hits make me want to do heinous things to adorable animals. We really can get enough of the Black Eyed Peas rhyming “Flow-joe” and “X-O” in “Just Can’t Get Enough,” and I’m still out hunting for the miscreant who let Selena Gomez out of the Disney dungeon in order to record “Who Says.” However, when I tune into the radio I can’t help but turn up the volume to a bass-pounding level immediately upon hearing the first deliciously melodious notes to certain songs. One of these titans of tuneage amongst sing-a-long powerhouses like “Rolling in the Deep” and “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” is Wiz Khalifa’s “Roll Up.”

Cameron Jibril Thomaz a.k.a. Wiz’s voice is endearing and soulful as he tells the story of presumably male subject who is trying to explain to a female that he is dependable. Though the song is the musical equivalent to a priceless Vermeer, one major question remains in regard to the plot of its lyrical composition. Is the main character involved in a sexual relationship with his “shawty,” or is their affinity merely a platonic bond with the potential for penetration?

These are the burning questions that keep America awake at night.

From the onset of the song, Wiz Khalifa explicitly states that the female lead is in a relationship, as it is her anniversary, but “her man ain’t actin’ right.” This woman then boards an airplane to visit the narrator and the befuddlement begins. He claims, “When you at home that’s your man, soon as you land you say that’s all me,” suggesting that the narrator has the same (sexual) relationship with this woman when she visits as she does with her boyfriend at home. Yet this connection is never made clear.

In spite of this apparent conclusion, a question about the narrator’s intentions remains. The chorus does not paint the narrator as a villain who is attempting to steal his “homie” from her man, but rather a dependable guy who will “roll up” whenever this woman needs him. The narrator repeats, ” Whenever you need me, whenever want me, you know you can call me, I’ll be there shortly.” In the chorus, he makes quite clear that their friendship is the most important part of the relationship, even referring to himself as her “best friend.” Even if there is no chance of road head or Skype sex, this guy will be there for this stupid betch. If their relationship is already sexual, what does he have to gain by indulging her every whim? Why does he still promise that he will “roll up”? From the chorus it seems as though he has not yet consummated the relationship and their correspondence appears platonic, although he clearly yearn for her.

Both Khalifa's devotion and true genius are on full display throughout the song

Furthermore, the narrator utilizes buzzwords reminiscent of the sordid sexual escapades of two star-crossed lovers. When integrated into the story of the song, they initially appear ordinary, but when analyzed alone, the verses sound more conspicuous than sores on herpes-infected genitals. Words like “fucking” and “ride” refer directly to the act of intercourse, while a reference to “handcuffing” subliminally prompts listeners to think of their own steamy fantasies of light bondage. More subtly, in one line the narrator claims that this woman is “cooking eggs in the morning.” This statement could refer to the fact that she is hungry in the morning because she is ravenous after a night of passionate love making, or possibly the efforts of the narrator’s sperm to fertilize or “cook” her eggs. Based on these findings, I have come to the conclusion that these two people have engaged in sexual relations. Although this in never made explicit, the manner in which Mr. Khalifa portrays their relationship connotes a bond that could only have been formed by nights spent groping her incredibly hot and voluptuous body while Marvin Gaye’s voice drowns out screams of pleasure.

Now that’s fresh.