7 Reasons Yoga Is the Worst

The Alpine Yogagoat, in its natural habitat. (via izismile.com)

Every year or so, I try yoga again.

It takes me about a year to forget exactly how fucking much I hate yoga. Over that year, my friends have peppered our conversations with fantastical stories of their “relaxing!” and “stress-relieving!” yoga sessions. Then there’s a moment in which I watch some betch’s yoga ass walk by and I start thinking about how cool it would be to Instagram photos of myself standing on my head in scenic locations, if I ever went to scenic locations, if I even had an Instagram. And I find myself with an hour to spare, shamelessly Googling “yoga for beginners” alone in my bedroom.

It takes me an hour to remember exactly how fucking much I hate yoga.

1. “Now breathe.”

You condescending prick, I don’t need to be reminded to breathe. I’m sitting here laying on my back. There’s nothing else to do except

World’s Worst: Current Song Lyrics

How does this man even have time to write lyrics when he has a beard to keep so immaculate?

Legend has it that if you put a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters, one of them would eventually write Shakespeare. But before they did that, they would type these song lyrics, as well as several E.E. Cummings poems and an episode of Adventure Time.

1.      “I want to scream and shout and let it out. I want to scream and shout and let it out.” – Britney Spears and Will.i.am, “Scream and Shout”

If your ACT score exceeded your shoe size, you’re probably wondering: how did this song even happen? We here at the Ave have determined several plausible explanations:

The Twatties: The Best of the Worst of Twitter in 2012

Well, 2012 is drawing to a close, which can only mean one thing: it’s year-end recap season!  If you are at all well-versed in the world of journalism (and if so why in the name of all that is holy are you reading this), you are currently being inundated with best-of and worst-of lists to summarize a year that you just lived through and remember perfectly well.  It’s all very trivial, so in keeping with that spirit, my end-of-year recap will focus on that all-consuming swamp of triviality, Twitter!

Now, there are some truly remarkable Tweeters who deserve the ultimate #FF, from Rob Delaney to Megan Amram to Ezra Klein to Ryan Kearney, but expounding on my praise of them wouldn’t be very fun or snarky, would it?  So instead, I give you the first annual Twattie Awards, honoring the most heinous, vile, or unintentionally hilarious individuals of the Twitterverse!  And the winners are:

Why My Birthday Is the Worst

I turned twenty this year. For many reasons, the weeks leading up to my birthday were filled with dread. “But Krystal,” you may say, “How could you have dreaded your birthday? After all, your birthday is theoretically the raddest of rad days! Weren’t you even a little excited?” Well you see, back when I was a naïve and ignorant youth much like yourself, I eagerly anticipated the annual celebration of my first breath of life. But now, being the wise and mature twenty-year-old that I am, I know better. Some scoff at my anti-birthday stance, calling me an attention whore and a negative bitch (actually verbatim). But I have my reasons. This one goes out to all the h8rz.

…Seriously? Again?

1. The drama. Oh, the drama!
Planning on spending time with friends? You’d better include literally everyone you’ve ever met, that is, unless you want to spend your entire day saying “Oh that? That was really last-minute and suuuper unorganized, otherwise of course you would have been there!!!!! As if my birthday would be even remotely enjoyable without you!!!” It doesn’t matter what you say. People will be offended.