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Sherman Ave Homecoming Court Voter Guide: Gaurav Kikani

23 Sep

Sherman Ave sat down with each of the 2013 Homecoming Court nominees for wide-ranging discussions in order to better prepare NU students for the most important election of the next 15 days. Voting for Homecoming King and Queen begins soon!

Evander Jones: Just to start things off with, some people say that Homecoming Court is a meaningless popularity contest that doesn’t accurately reflect the student body. I don’t have a question here, I just wanted to inform you that there may be dissent among your potential subjects.

Gaurav Kikani: Sure, thanks. I really appreciate that.

Evander: Now that we got that out of the way, if you were elected would you rule the Homecoming Court like John Roberts on the Supreme Court, or LeBron James on the Homecoming Court? 

Gaurav: I’d probably be Roberts on the Supreme Court. You know, LeBron is kind of a beast, but he’s a bit of a diva, and I don’t see myself as much of a diva as he is.

Evander: Who would you say has had the biggest influence on your life in the past 14 minutes?

Gaurav: You.

Evander: I’m so sorry. 

Gaurav: You know, absolutely. The warmth of your body right now on this crisp Fall day is really warming me up. I can take off this jacket right now, actually, if you’d like. We need more of you around.

Evander: On that note, herpes or chlamydia?

Gaurav: Ooooh. Chlamydia probably, I don’t know. I’m really cold right now, so I could use a warming sensation.

Evander: You sure will get a burning feel. I’ve got a word problem for you. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had two midterms and a paper tomorrow and then an exec meeting until 9 and a dinner date he really CANNOT cancel?

Gaurav: Man, he couldn’t chuck much. I’m assuming he goes to Northwestern.

Evander: Of course. Boxers or briefs?

Gaurav: Boxers. You’ve got to get that comfort. Comfort comes first. Hang loose.

Evander: Nice bro. If you hard to marry, screw, and kill somebody on the Homecoming Court, who would it be? 

Gaurav: That’s, that’s tough man. Oh…. I don’t think I can disclose this information.

Evander: I made Will answer it.

Gaurav: I’d be interested to see what he said.

Evander: I think he said that he would kill, marry, and screw you. [ed. note: this is a bald-faced lie]

Gaurav: Really? I’d definitely return the favor.

Evander: When was the last time you stood in the shower and listened to Adele for hours on end? 

Gaurav: Oh, that’s a good question. Maybe not the shower, but definitely driving, you know you’ve got to drive on your own and connect with your soul. She does that for me.

Evander: You said when we were talking earlier that you’ve yet to touch a drink, that you’re waiting for your 21st birthday. 

Gaurav: Yes.

Evander: What do you think it’s going to be like? Drinking?

Gaurav: I don’t know. I think it’ll be liberating. I don’t expect my personality to change very much. I think I’ll be myself, maybe a little more witty, hopefully.

Evander: Well, normally we ask the Court what their favorite bar in Evanston or Chicago says about them, but for you I’ll ask what does your favorite frozen yogurt place say about you?

Gaurav: I somehow knew you were going to ask that. Froyo is very near and dear to my heart. Until recently it’s been Red Mango, although I’m kind of getting a little off that bandwagon. It’s just not natural enough for me any more. I really like those natural flavors. I’m still searching for a replacement. For now it’s Red Mango, but Evanston is really not doing it for me. I’m waiting for Mayor Tisdahl to close down Red Mango, and then I’ll find something new.

Evander: What are your thoughts on updog?

Gaurav: No thoughts. I don’t want to broach that subject.

Evander: Do you want to know what updog is?

Gaurav: I don’t know. I’ve heard enough to know that I don’t want to know what it is.

Evander: So you don’t even want to ask–

Gaurav: Fine. What is up dog?

Evander: Not much. How about you? 

Gaurav: [pained laughter]

Evander: What’s your favorite American Indian tribe? 

Gaurav: Comanches. I had to write a report on them for seventh grade. I’m from Texas, so that’s what you do in seventh grade: write reports on Native Americans.

Evander: Because I thought what they used to do in Texas was destroy the Indian tribes.

Gaurav: That is correct. So now they want to take all the glory they have and teach all their sons how wonderful they are at doing that.

Evander: Good. Can you tell us a little about Texas? What is the defining part of Texas that influenced you?

Gaurav: I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of Texan pride. I moved around a bunch, I lived in California for a number of years so I still hold on to my Californian roots, I don’t want to be called a Texan. So not a whole lot of influences from Texas.

Evander: Well then what’s your favorite movie franchise that made way too many movies? The options are Rocky, Fast and Furious, and The Village. 

Gaurav: This is a really awkward question. You know why?

Evander: Why?

Gaurav: Because I haven’t seen any of them.

Evander: I haven’t either. I need you to choose for me.

Gaurav: I think the Fast and Furious. I just keep hearing about them, because they keep making them. I feel like, how many movies can you make about cars, without doing the same thing over and over again?

Evander: Ask Pixar.

Gaurav: They’ve moved to different methods of transportation, so you have to give them credit for that.

Evander: What’s your favorite Sherman Ave article or feature? I presume this will affect your chances of getting elected King. 

Gaurav: Really? I think the Morty article was actually a lot of fun. I think you guys really got him to open up like he’s never done before.

Evander: And he didn’t get fired, surprisingly.

Gaurav: Right. You guys were able to navigate that fairly successfully. I don’t know if that was your intent or not.

Evander: Thank you. What else remains on your Northwestern bucket list?

Gaurav: Well, drinking on Dillo Day for the first time. That’ll be fun.

Evander: I wish I could remember the experience to tell you what it’s like.

Gaurav: That is another feature that I enjoyed. When you guys posted your GroupMe thread about what happened on Dillo Day. Or what nobody remembers about Dillo Day.

Evander: So have you ever ever vomited in a bucket?

Gaurav: Not in a bucket, no. I’ve seen a lot of friends vomit in a bucket, and I kind of helped them do that.

Evander: How would you use your position on the Homecoming Court to limit expanding Iranian influence in the Middle East and work with Russia to solve a solution in Syria. 

Gaurav: That’s an excellent suggestion. I think the whole Homecoming Court will really give me the platform to–being king, being monarch within the United States will carry some unbelievable power, and I think that’s something that can be leveraged into getting Putin to do what we want, which no one apparently in this country can get. So, I think I’m the guy to do that.

Evander: And then how would you work with your Queen-to-be to limit Greenhouse emissions?

Gaurav: Oh, that’s a tough one. I think, first of all fixing a lot of the toilets around Northwestern. I’m pretty sure that a lot of the Greenhouse gasses aren’t contained in the toilets.

Evander: I’m pretty sure that Sherman Ave writers are responsible for a large percentage of those gases. 

Gaurav: Well then I think we ought to figure out a new mechanism to take care of the Sherman Ave writers.

Evander: Can you describe your ideal date?

Gaurav: I don’t know. Just like, going to a concert or a sports game or something. Something stimulating, not a lot of awkward small-talk, that’s not me. Just cut to the chase, can she enjoy a sports game with me. I think that’s really a deal-breaker for me.

Evander: I’m sorry you go to Northwestern then. Okay, so I’m just gonna paint a little word picture for you here. It’s Homecoming Weekend. It’s the night of the football game and you show up at Ryan Field ready to go, only to find that there are tens of thousands of Buckeye fans littering our stands.

Gaurav: Littering is a very appropriate word.

Do you use the threat of legal action to get rid of the assholes? Physical aggression? Emotionally destroy them? What’s your plan of action?

Gaurav: I would ideally let the Northwestern football team take care of it, but, you know, it’s questionable whether that will work 100% of the time.

Evander: I bet it works about three-quarters of the time, and then falls apart during the fourth quarter.

Gaurav: If yesterday was any indication. I think I’d take a step in during the fourth quarter, but step back and see what happens during the three quarters. I don’t know about legal action, I’m not a legal expert by any means, but you know, I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this answer. Just like the NU football team, I’ve got three quarters of the answer and then that fourth quarter disappears.

Evander: I’m so glad we can get so much out of that joke. Karl Marx once said that social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included. Can you discuss that quotation please?

Gaurav: Oh boy. Yeah, I don’t know if I agree with all four-quarters of that statement either. I think that last quarter leaves a little bit to be desired. But then you have to come to terms with it, and it’s not a perfect world. I don’t know what the “fair sex” should be. It depends, I guess, on who’s reading the article, so I’ll leave it to the reader to assume what I meant by that.

Evander: What is your favorite thing about yourself?

Gaurav: That’s a good question. I really… that’s a tough one.

Evander: I can help you out. What’s your favorite thing about me?

Gaurav: Oh, that’s very easy. That smile. Your wit, is awesome.

Evander: You’re one of the few to think that.

Gaurav: It’s why you do what you do, and why I don’t do what you do.

Evander: What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken at Northwestern? 

Gaurav: Oh, that would be my MMSS game theory class. I still don’t know what I learned from that class. I’m still learning what I learned from that class. It was truly a journey.

Evander: So, considering that you’re in Mathematical Methods and Social Sciences, can you create a mathematical formula to determine exactly how much smarter you are than everybody else?

Gaurav: It can’t even be quantified. Just kidding. That should have been off the record.

Evander: Just to get some more specific questions about your activities here at Northwestern, can you describe “Northwestern hot?”

Gaurav: A Northwestern hat?

Evander: Northwestern hot

Gaurav: Oh. Oooohhhh…. Well, from what I’ve heard since I’ve came here it’s like a plus-two handicap. I find it very hard to argue with that some times, but you know you do have your diamonds in the rough. There’s definitely one under the surface, you just have to dig deep some times.

Evander: You’re involved in Brown Sugar on campus. Which is better, “Brown Sugar” by the Rolling Stones or your a cappella group?

Gaurav: So, I’ve actually never heard Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones. Even though every time I search it on YouTube that’s the first thing that came up, but I always scroll past it and go to the group. So I guess I’d say the group.

Evander: I am sure that most of America would agree with that.

Gaurav: That would be my third feature I enjoyed–the review you wrote of the Brown Sugar album. I think hearing about how you cried in the shower when you heard my solo really warmed my heart.

Evander: We totally don’t recycle jokes about crying in the shower here at the Ave. I hear you participate in LEND here on campus. I’m a little strapped for cash right now. I’m a little hard up, I’m good for it, I’m straight, but, like , could you help a guy out and spot me like 20 dollars? 

Gaurav: We have been running some background checks on you, and let me just say that Sherman Ave has not been helping your case.

Evander: Knowing that you’re a member of the Undergraduate Budget Priorities Committee, I have some suggestions to improve campus I’d like to run by you. I want to know the feasibility of installing a zip line all the way from Tech to the southern tip of campus, which would drop you into a fountain filled entirely with Pabst Blue Ribbon. 

Gaurav: Oh, wow. Wait till Mayor Tisdahl hears about that. That fountains going to be long-gone before you can see it. And then the next thing the students will want is a change of clothes because they landed in a bunch of beer. I don’t know how feasible that is.

Evander: Okay, something else that’s near and dear to my heart is returning the lakefill to its indigenous inhabitants, the Merpeople. I know you and the rest of UBPC worked hard to put WiFi on the lakefill, so how difficult would it be to resubmerge the lakefill and return it to its first inhabitants? 

Gaurav: I think it’s really possible, and that the Merpeople would appreciate some free WiFi. Given that we don’t use it, at least they would. I’m all for that.

Evander: That’s really all we have for you. Can you give us a good joke you’ve heard?

Gaurav: What is Irish and stays outside all night long?

Evander: I don’t now. 

Gaurav: Patty O’Furniture. That’s a good one right?

Evander: Ha. 

Gaurav: I heard it at a cappella fest the other day.

Evander: I’m so sorry you had to attend that. Can you give us one facet about yourself that would make you an ideal candidate for Homecoming King?

Gaurav: I think Homecoming is less about me and more about the people, and I’m just really excited to be a part of it and be representing the student body. I think it’s a really cool honor and it’s a great privilege.

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