A Comprehensive Timeline of Your Lifetime Crushes

Preschool crush: You may not have realized it at the time, but you definitely had a crush on someone at preschool. Your preschool crush was the coolest boy in the class: the one whose mom let him wear his hat backwards on their walk to school and built the biggest block towers every single day. EVERY girl wanted to play with this kid. One time, all the girls probably formed a circle with the boy in the middle, joined hands and chanted his name in what appeared to adults as some sort of kiddie-satanic ritual: Dominick, Dominick, Dom-i-nick. He ate that shit up.

3^rd grade crush: Your third grade crush was the first boy you ever thought wasn’t completely gross. He was a total jock. He could

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Spring Quarter

(via northwesternu.tumblr.com)

Congratulations! You’ve survived what appeared to be one of the worst quarters in NU’s history. Whether the weather got you down or you simply just screwed up every single one of your classes, it’s time to pretend it never happened and get ready for spring…FINALLY. Yay warm weather! Getting in shape! Boosting your GPA! Haha…not. While spring quarter is definitely better than winter, chances are people have totally over-exaggerated its perks, and you’re probably way more optimistic about it than you should be. But no worries, we at Sherman Ave are here to get your head out of your ass with our guide to spring quarter reality check.

We Made These Pledge Mom Week Posters So You Don’t Have To

The Inner Monologue of a Girl Watching the The Fault In Our Stars Trailer

I don’t even know why I come to class at this point. I’m not going to pay attention. I’m pretty sure I learned this in high school. This is just stupid.

UGH Facebook is so BORING right now. C’mon people, give me something to look at.

Jeez, if this kid posts ONE MORE status about how cool his internship is, I’m going to find a way to make sure that shit doesn’t lead to a job after college. Because clearly, I have that kind of power.

Oh look, that bitch from high school gained weight. Poor girl. NOT. Haha, karma’s a bitch.

Okay maybe I’ll go look at twi—

The Fault In Our Stars Official Trailer? What?! WHAAAAAT?! I need to watch this.

An Ode to the Olympic Sweater

My eyes widen, and a patriotic spark awakens
My senses, as though of Coca-Cola I had drunk,
Or inhaled a Big-Mac with four slices of bacon.
One minute passed, and then these words I had thunk:
“Tis not through hatred of the ugly lot,
but being too happy in thy ugliness,-
That thou, star-spangled cardigan of wool,
In some melodious plot
Of patchwork art, and flags numberless (aka 2),
Singest of America the beautiful.

15 Reasons Why You Don’t Need No Man

1. You are a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to validate her self-worth.
   

   All hail the queen.

2. Your best friends will never think anyone is good enough for you (and they’re probably right).
   

   Your girls: Always there when you need ’em.

3. This is a thing.

A Guide to Pretending You Understand and Enjoy Football

Football season is well underway and big games are quickly approaching. Perhaps a big professional rivalry is on this week, two NCAA conference leaders are squaring off on Saturday, or your high school’s homecoming game is just around the corner. Either way, if you’re NOT a football fan, you’ll probably still find yourself watching one of these games because all of your friends are, and you’ll have no idea what’s actually going on. I’m not going to bother trying to explain the game to you because chances are people have been trying for years, and you

Freshman Attempts One-Month Hibernation Before Wildcat Welcome

Johannson, preparing his natural habitat.

WESTCHESTER, NY–Hoping to fight increasing boredom and decreasing self worth, incoming freshman Eric Johannson attempted to hibernate for one month, planning to wake up in time for Wildcat Welcome Week.

“I heard the dark month–you know, that month after everyone else leaves for school while you’re still stuck at home–is totally killer,” said Johannson, a week before the beginning of his hibernation. “I mean, what are you supposed to do, hang out with your parents? Yeah, ooookay.”

An Open Letter to the Period

Dear Period,

In case this letter got sent to the wrong Period, I would just like to make it clear that this letter is addressed to the womanly type of period, not the punctuation type.

Now that that’s over with, I’ll begin. Period, I understand that nothing I can say or do can really change the fact that I have to deal with you…deal with you, or a fetus growing inside me.

Wimbledon Drinking Game

Wait. Tennis looks fun.

Despite the great weather in Chicago following the Blackhawks rally, citizens are filled with an inner gloom due to the lack of worthy sports teams to cheer for.* What are we supposed to do, watch the U.S. Women’s Golf Open? Turn on any golf tournament and I bet you’re asleep in 15 minutes. Too bad there’s no Olympics this year….but wait! Remember that one time you actually watched tennis during the Olympics because AMERICA! ? Through your series of U-S-A chants and shots of UV Blue taken from your red solo cups, you were probably amazed by the fact tennis can be played on grass. Well, guess what. There’s a tournament on those awesome grass courts every year! It’s called The Championships, or more commonly Wimbledon, and it is amazing. If watching tennis is only your thing during the Olympics, let me help make it your thing as Wimbledon enters its second week with ALCOHOL. That’s right–I present to you the very first “The Blackhawks Rally is Over and Now I’m Forced to Watch Tennis Drinking Game”.