Northwestern Bicyclists Protest Wider Sidewalks, Claim It Will Make Their Game “Heart Attack” Too Difficult

With spring in the air Northwestern has begun to seriously consider widening the now crowded sidewalks.  However, the initiative has been met with opposition.  This weekend, over a hundred Northwestern bicyclists appeared outside Norris to protest the proposal.  The organizer of the protest, Victor Elmsworth, had this to say, “I admit we’re a bit spoiled here at NU.  For years we have made Sheridan sidewalks one of the most infamous arenas to play ‘Heart Attack.’ If the school widens our sidewalks, it will be almost impossible to get even ten points a week!”

The point system, of course referring the official “Heart Attack” scoring scale, consists of several opportunities to acquire points.  For example, riding up to a defenseless student and locking the brakes just before contact will be awarded two points.  If you splinter off the sidewalk and manage to narrowly cut someone off upon re-entry, you are awarded three. And finally, if you just run the son of a bitch over, you are awarded five.

The leading scorer, Tanner Worthington, also expressed displeasure

Facebook Chat Complements ‘Seen’ Feature With a ‘Seen the Seen’ Feature

In addition to letting the sender see that the receiver has seen their message, Facebook has released a “Seen the Seen” feature to tell the receiver that the sender has seen that they saw it. Or wait, no, the sender sees that the receiver saw that the sender saw…no, the receiver sees that the sender knows—wait, shit. You know how it says “Seen” when the receiver opens the message? Now the person that opens the message will know you saw them open it, and with that knowledge still chose not to respond.

This allows the receiver to truly appreciate that he or she has successfully

Northwestern Administration Gets Caffeine Rush, Excitedly Re-Allocates $3.75 Billion to Intangible Buzzwords

(via Northwestern)

Northwestern declared that they will raise 3.75 billion dollars to improve the University after yesterday morning’s “Dollar Coffee” deal at Java Café.

There was reportedly a “Super Scholastic Brainstorm” which consisted of several administrative members pacing around the presidential office enthusiastically pitching ideas.  Reports have confirmed that the group members were thinking of ideas so fast that they did not even have time to write them all down.

Chris Combe and Adam Karr, two Co-Chairs of the initiative, reportedly

Sherman Ave Writers Win Award for “Most Loyal Sherman Ave Readers”

EVANSTON, IL—The writers of Sherman Ave announced this afternoon that they were thrilled to award the “Most Loyal Readers Award” to the writers of Sherman Ave.

As the esteemed publication nears its two millionth view, its writers believed it was time to finally acknowledge the community that has helped it grow to become the social icon it is today.  But, since they do not have time to thank each and every viewer, they believed it would send the same message if they simply spoiled their most loyal readers.  As it turns out,

The Unsettling Diary of a Frostbite Express Shuttle Driver

Entry one: Today I got a job as a driver of the Frostbite Express Shuttle! I start tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to helping students get to where they need to be!

Entry two: I’m so angry! My first day on the job and

Pros and Cons of Being Alive in the 21st Century

As the New Year approaches, we should think about what it means to be living in the 21st century. We are living in a time of unprecedented food production, medical standards, and genital enlargement. Yes, those are the three things I would brag about if I were talking to a buckle-hatted pilgrim. But although we have luxuries, there are things we missed out on in the timeline of our planet. In the following article, I will reflect on that for which we should be grateful for and that with which we should be forever disappointed.

How To Fail Your Finals Gracefully: An Urgent Letter From Your Exceptionally Well-Prepared Classmates

Hey there. Hi. Yes, you.

You, the person we’ve never seen in this class before. You, the one who tried to cram 7 equations and 168 pages the night before (160 pages because you skipped the real-world example blurbs). Let us introduce ourselves.

We are the members of the class that make up that 100-level distro you thought would be easy but woops you forgot at Northwestern every class is weed-out.  You may not know this but we hang out a lot. Where ,you may ask? Only every single one of the professor’s office hour session, and we haven’t seen you at a single one. In fact, we can’t even remember seeing you at one of the professor’s intimate home-cooked dinner parties either.

Is he into you?

A lot of girls have trouble telling whether or not a guy is into them. Fortunately for you ladies I have devised a thorough list of questions that will determine whether or not he is into you.  So think hard, and no cheating!

Do you periodically make eye contact at unexpected times?

-Think about when you’re eating together or in a group conversation.  Sometimes even a brief glance is a tremendous tell!

Does he go to great lengths to remember small details about you?

Formals: What You Wear And What It Says About You

Formal season is in full swing and it can be stressful to decide what to wear.  The Ave has generously gone through all the outfit options men and women have to let you know what they will say about you.

(Via virtualdj.com, whatever the hell that is)

Women-Tight dress:  This one is risky.  Sometimes it feels good to wear a dress that hugs you, but you do run the risk of communicating that you’re too promiscuous.  

5 Leaked Employee Manuals that will Surprise Zero Northwestern Students

Sherman Ave has just received five of the most exclusive Employee Manuals from the greater Evanston area.  Finally, accurate and completely authentic manuals that explain some the most irrational of behaviors.