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REPORT: You are a Complete and Utter Failure

27 Apr

Uncle_Sam_(pointing_finger)

NEW HAVEN, Conn.—A report from Yale’s School of Medicine published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that you, the reader, are a total failure and, quite frankly, an insult to the human race.

In a recent interview, head researcher Edward Feynberg made clear that the report is indeed referring to you, not to the person next to you or behind you. “Stop turning your head left and right, looking around like a damn buffoon,” he noted. “You look like an idiot.  We’re talking to you.”

“How does it make you feel, fuckface?” asked Feynberg. “I hope it makes you feel awful, because you’re a waste. You’re nothing. Remember how all you did in college was sit on your bed, picking your nose and flicking your boogers over to your roommate’s side of the room? Disgusting. God, you’re awful.”

“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” asked Vanessa Donovan, another researcher Continue reading

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One Student’s Biker Profile

9 Apr
(via admission.universityofcalifornia.edu)

(via admission.universityofcalifornia.edu)

I wake up 10 minutes before my class all the way across campus. My carbon footprint is way smaller than yours. My calves are rock-fucking-solid. I only have one testicle.

Yes, I’m a biker. And yes, that means my dick is three times bigger than yours*. What, don’t believe me? You want me to fucking show you? ‘Cause I’ll do it, right here, right now.

Anyway, I fucking love my bike, and I ride it whenever I can. It doesn’t matter if the journey is five miles or five blocks. Hell, one time I rode my bike five feet just for the hell of it. It was awesome.

Sometimes while I’m biking Continue reading

20 Things Northwestern Could Do with $10,000

5 Mar
(via nusports.com)

(via nusports.com)

Northwestern University recently sent out an email with the five ideas proposed for the ASG 10K initiative, a program that gives the student body an opportunity to invest $10,000 to improve life around campus. However, I, the esteemed Reverend Turlington, frankly don’t like any of the ideas very much at all. $10,000 on Christmas lights? Come on. Here are 20 better things NU could do with $10,000:

  1. Offer live entertainment in the dining halls
  2. Construct a statue of Frances Willard
  3. Found a Continue reading

14 Signs You Live in Evanston

10 Feb

1. You’ve been through tougher winters than most of the people you know.

Evanston in the winter. Can you even recognize it?

Evanston in the winter. Can you even recognize it?

2. You’re no stranger to all the great dining and shopping options Evanston’s downtown has to offer.

Don’t you love Downtown Evanston?

Don’t you love Downtown Evanston?

Continue reading

28 Thoughts That Go Through Everyone’s Head While Waiting for a Delayed Flight

6 Jan

“HEY GUYS WHO WANTS A SLICE OF THIS DICK PIE” – Chicago O’Hare International Aiport

1. “Maybe this delay won’t be so bad. Maybe it’s a chance to kick back and relax for a while.”
2. “Are those payphones over there? Who the hell still uses those?”
3. “Anyone who wears a Hollister shirt and Hollister sweatpants at the same time should stop existing immediately.”
4. “Wait, is that my flight that’s boarding?”
5. “HAHAHA NOPE MY FLIGHT DOESN’T BOARD FOR 3 MORE HOURS.” Continue reading

How Are You Celebrating Boxing Day?

26 Dec

The Boxing Day Season is my favorite time of year. Nothing beats sitting inside by a warm fire with a cup of Hot Cocoa while

Look how joyous!  Look how merry!

Look how joyous! Look how merry!

Mother Nature smites those outside with a terrible combination of cold, snow, and rain. People’s summertime tans fade, leaving behind a sexy, ghost-like complexion that medieval women used to bleed themselves to attain. Boxing Day pumps billions of dollars into the economy, as well. People legitimately assault each other over high-demand items, and Jos. A. Bank’s yearly “Buy One, Get 30 Free” sale starts up again. American Capitalism is in full swing.

Sherman Ave sent me, The Honorable Dr. Turlington, around the greater New York area[1] to ask residents how they’re celebrating Boxing Day. Here are some of the choicest responses:  Continue reading

Local Razor Announces Plans to Cut User’s Face

3 Dec

shaver_200x247CHEHALIS, Wash.–Earlier this morning, a local Gillette razor blade reported that it intends to cut the face of its user, 39-year-old Richard Bowen, in the near future.

The razor, which consists of 5 thin blades and a moisturizing strip, told reporters that its blades were as “sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel” and that they could “deliver quite a nasty wound.”

Continue reading

Two Students Standing Right in Front of Fucking Doorway Having Great Fucking Conversation

4 Nov

Dunn and McCoy, just leaving a ton of fucking room for us to get on with our goddamn lives.

At 10:58 this morning, Weinberg students Kyle Dunn and Sarah McCoy were seen right in front of the northernmost entrance to Kresge having just a fantastic fucking conversation.

The pair, talking about how great their Spanish professor is or some shit, appeared to be having the fucking time of their lives, all while blocking multiple students on their way to their 11 AM classes.

“She’s just so inspirational! She makes me want to learn!” said McCoy of her professor while three or four students awkwardly stood there waiting for the pair to fucking move.

Communications student Ryan Anderson was one of the Continue reading

Sexile: A Poem

27 Oct

I hiked in the cold to my building from Tech
I finally finished my long-as-hell trek.
I climbed tons of stairs way up to the fifth floor
And to my surprise a tie hung on my door.

“Oh, shitfuck!” I heard myself angrily speak.
My roommate did this almost three times a week!
And worse still the walls were indeed paper-thin,
So I could hear all of the loud, clapping skin!

Continue reading