Saferide to Limit Pick-ups and Drop-offs to Locations on Go Fuck Yourself Avenue

Pictured: One of the many one Saferide car (via Northwestern).

EVANSTON, Il. – A representative from Saferide announced in a press conference that the student taxi service would be limiting all rides to locations along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.

“When it comes down to it, we just don’t have the funding anymore,” said the representative. “It’s regrettable, but from this point forward, students will only be able to get a ride if they are both coming from and headed to a location along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.”

The representative added that, if the organization receives more funding next year, they’ll hope to expand their service to Suck A Veiny Dick Court, and possibly even Here’s A Zip-Lock Bag Full Of My Seven-Month Old Pubes Lane.

Schapiro Urges Jewish Graduating Seniors to Donate $57.74

(via Northwestern)

Citing the year in the Hebrew calendar and the great importance of giving back to the university, Northwestern President Morty Schapiro asked graduating seniors of Jewish descent to donate $57.74 in an email this morning.

The move was unexpected, as past graduating classes have been asked only to donate according to the year in the Gregorian calendar, recently totaling only about $20. But Schapiro believes it is important for seniors raised in the Jewish tradition to give the extra $37.60.

“More than fundraising, the senior gift is about ensuring the survival of traditions at Northwestern,” said Schapiro in the email, which was sent only to Jewish seniors. “And what better way to honor the Jewish tradition than by identifying yourselves not as the Class of 2014, but as the Class of 5774.”

Added Schapiro, “But also, fundraising.”

If Ernest Hemingway Went Through Sorority Recruitment

I stood in line in front of the house with the others. It was a little too cold outside. On all sides of the quad, there were similar lines to get into similar houses. The houses along the sides of the quad were long and white. The railings were coated with frost and the awnings sagged under the weight of the snow. My RC brought me into the house.

“This is Ernest,” she said, introducing me to a sister.

“Hi Ernest! Welcome to Pi Gamma Tau. It’s nice to meet you.”

On Tolkien, War and Morality

Tolkien, 1916

I logged on to Facebook this morning to discover that today marks the 122nd anniversary of the birth of J.R.R. Tolkien. I don’t want to call it his “birthday,” seeing as he passed away many years ago, and that learning of someone’s birthday on Facebook usually implies that you are friends with them, which I regrettably am not. We missed each other by almost 20 years. Yet his stories, in both literary and cinematic form, brought an amount of joy and imagination to my childhood (and adulthood) that I could hardly describe in words.

I remember with remarkable clarity the first time I was introduced to the world of Tolkien. The year was 2002 and I was

Team-by-team Predictions for the NFL in 2014

We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.

In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014.

2013: Net Gain or Net Loss? A Quantitative Review

These days, everything seems to have some sort of measurement system. We have heights and weights, salaries and rankings, Klout scores, GPAs, BACs — it seems like everything must be put into numeric terms. Accordingly, we’ve put together a comprehensive review of 2013, scored with our proprietary scoring system. Every significant event of 2013 will be judged on a scale of -5 to +5. A score of -5 means the event made the world a much worse place, and a score of +5 means the event made the world a much better place. Let’s take a look back at 2013 and see where our world lies after the year’s events.

Psych Major Loses 45 Friends in Quest for 30 Survey Responses

Blackwell, patiently awaiting her 30th respondent. (via vipdictionary.com)

EVANSTON, Ill. — Northwestern University junior Psychology major Ramona Blackwell admitted in a press conference this morning that she has shattered 45 once-healthy friendships since she began seeking respondents for a survey last Monday.

Man Who Spends 90% of Time Around Other Speedo-Clad Men Somehow Gay

Pictured: Daley, who is unimaginably attracted to both men and women, despite the fact that all of his best friends have rock hard abs just like those. (via policymic.org)

LONDON — The world was shocked today to learn that Tom Daley, a British athlete who spends almost all of his time wearing a speedo and doing various physical activities with other men wearing speedos, is sexually attracted to men.

Daley made the announcement by video, revealing to the world that he has a boyfriend — surprising, considering that the sport for which Daley has become famous has a uniform that reveals so much shaft that one can often discern whether the competitor is circumcised. 

The John Evans Curse

Anyone who has followed Northwestern’s football team this year knows that there is an invisible, intangible and entirely irreversible curse working against them. That’s not to say that the team should be 9-0 (there has been some less-than-stellar playing all around), but something is clearly afoot. It simply cannot be denied after losing to Ohio State because of a controversial spot on 4th and 1, losing to Iowa in overtime, losing to Nebraska because of a 50-yard Hail Mary touchdown with 4 seconds left, and now losing to Michigan on a last-second haphazard field goal that couldn’t even happen in Madden 2014.

A Plea: Don’t Give Up On Our Wildcats

When I think of this football season, I think of the proverbial Sweet 16th birthday in which nothing went according to plan. The one where you invited all the right people, planned all the right activities — maybe even picked up a six-pack of O’Douls — and yet, despite your best laid plans, the shit still somehow hit the fan. In fact, the fan-shit encounter wasn’t even benign enough that we could clean it up with Windex and some elbow grease. We’re talking a full-blown, weird-kid-in-kindergarten level of shit splatter, as if Quentin Tarantino were invited to direct the sequel to 2 Girls 1 Cup (presumably titled 3 Girls, 1 cups).