Anna Karenina: The Movie, The Review

Also: Russian Cleavage

Yes, I saw Anna Karenina for free a day in advance of the US release. Shit was awesome and it was all thanks to some poor marketing intern that probably thought we were a serious publication. LOLZ AMIRITE? We waited in line (skipped by some bitches that recognized each other, but whatevs) and grabbed our seats after paying an enormous amount of money for a pittance of popcorn. Some rows were “reserved” for some “real critics” or some other bullshit, so we sat way in the back.

10 Youtube Channels You Should Totally Subscribe To (and who they’d be on campus)

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT HOW FUCKING ADORABLE IT IS!!!

This list is for those of us like TV too much, but need a quick video in between that Orgo class and your accelerated intermediate Spanish course. Seriously, why did you take Spanish 125? Anyway, that’s where Youtube comes in: your internet salvation from boredom! Here’s a list of some not-all-that-mainstream channels that I promise will entertain you. And if they don’t, you can get fucked like Iowa.

1. Jessie Jay
She’s a new vlogger on the scene with only a couple of weeks under her belt, but her humor is getting much much better and she offers a different style than a lot of the mainstream youtube comedians/-ennes out there. She’s a fun girl from Brooklyn, just out of her undergrad. This is what every Comm Studies majors’ lives will look like in 5 years if they specialize in “New Media.”

2. CiaranObrien89 / FunnyCatVideos
This guy is probably the most awkward person I have ever seen in a Youtube video and it makes him awesome. He’s a personal friend of Charlieissocoollike, who is a pretty established British vlogger. Ciaran’s style is awkward-funny, and though he has less than 5 videos, he’s got comedy gold, and he’s sure to upload more. Basically he’s just everyone in Plex.

3. MattMattMaryMary
Matt and Mary are a couple from Brooklyn who write sketch comedy, usually with Mary playing the part of a mannerless and uncouth crazy. They also have a low video count, considering they have other lives and their filming isn’t vlog-style (meaning little improv). They’d be NSTV meets that freshman from your history discussion section that whispers under her breath that Sporcle was wrong when she mixed up Macedonia and Malta.

4. Shep689
Shep689 is Will Shepherd, though by extension, his boyfriend RJ Aguiar and their roommate Kasey. Though Will started out doing regular vlogs, he started vlogging every single day of 2012 on Jan. 1^st. Though not necessarily funny all the time, Shep689 (in conjunction with their site notadamandsteve.com) strive to show that LGBTQ couples are just as normal as hetero couples and deserve the same rights as others. Also Will is a raging nerd (Zelda, Pokemon, Harry Potter). They’d be rainbow alliance and the quidditch club. (Duh)

5. TimWillDestroyYou
Tim Helbig is the younger brother of Grace Helbig of DailyGrace fame. He had an awkward and rocky start to the vlogging world, and some mocked him for leeching off his sister’s fame. However, Tim has come into his own and is starting to establish his own style of humor which is usually awkward and strange. Also he has a teddy bear named Pooky that hates him. If Grace is Willard, Tim is totally Chapin.

6. TeaPartyReport
Susie Sampson heads the Tea Party Report, a mock reporting and street-pollster channel that uses the guise of a conservative viewpoint to deride Romney supporters. She’s obsessed with Stephen Colbert and totally doesn’t get caught every time she blatantly ridicules a fat WASPy man on a Midwestern street. She’s clearly Sir T-Worth, amirite?

7. Vihart
Vi Hart is a self-proclaimed “mathemusician.” Her videos are all educational, but strangely entertaining and fascinating and revolve around recreational mathematics. Honestly, it’s just the nerd in me that likes her. I can’t help myself. She’s anyone that has ever been inside of Lunt ever. EVER.

8. YouDeserveADrink
Mamrie Hart stars in YDAD, which is a pun-filled, built-in drinking game and instructional video on how best to get yourself shitfaced. Grace Helbig edits and shoots it in her apartment in Brooklyn and together they make heinously inappropriate references to ovaries and shitting. They’re probably Sherman Ave if we’re honest.

9. KoreanMommySays
Though finished now, Korean Mommy Says, starred and directed by Vicky Toro of Comediva, was an advice series by a stereotypical Korean mother. Pretty sure this can only be KASA.

10. Coffeychat
Because we needed ANOTHER FUCKING BROOKLYN VLOGGER, MyDamnChannel brought to Youtube Shannon Coffey, a young and new comedienne that gives outrageous and impractical advice and how-to videos. She’s probably more hipster than anyone that says they’re a hipster on campus, which makes her nobody at Northwestern. Or maybe that group of kids that all smoke weed off of Ridge and Davis and you can’t tell whether they’re a theatre or Perf studies or RTVF major. Or they could be HDPS. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

ALSO, Follow Sherman Ave on Youtube by subscribing to LiveAtTheAve! What we lack in copyrights we make up for in heinous!

3 Stellar Halloween Costume Ideas

Personal favorite: Slutty Abe Lincoln

Warning: Sherman Ave does not condone or endorse the use of any of the costumes. Not a single one. Seriously guys.

So you need a brilliant costume idea for Halloween this year and you are completely out of ideas? No worries! Here at Sherman Ave, we are more than happy to put our minds and nimble fingers of Eleanor Kinkervoss (our resident Martha Stewart, tbh) to work to create stunning garbs of Samhain delight!

1. The Race Controversy
Simply don a sombrero, blackface, or a kimono and walk around with a peace pipe (of “tobacco” of course) and greeting people with a booming “HOW!” Also constantly be at war with the white person inside of you and try to oppress each part of your costume by yelling slurs at yourself. Points if you can hit more ethnic pejoratives than all of Ryan Murphy’s shows combined.

2. The Keg
Fashion a single-person tent into a poncho type shroud supported by your shoulders and let any girl obviously younger than 21 enter the tent through the flap in the back of the tent. Carry a 30-rack of any cheap beer and give one to any person able to jump over you when you sit down.

3. Sherman Ave (alone or group costume)
Gather as many friends as you can to pregame the festivities with a tons of Keystone Light and cheap vodka while screaming Katy Perry and Adele songs. One or two of you can also mime masturbating to Pippa Middleton’s visage and the others can all blackout in Fran’s.

Alternatively, you could just go as a slutty rabbit or dead football player like every character in every fucking teen movie ever. Have fun!

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: Libations at NU

What most intoxicated freshmen look like to us.

So you’re going off to NU this fall, eh? You like to party hard? NO YOU DON’T, HIGH SCHOOLER. Now that we have that aside, let me be your tour guide around the beautiful bar that is the NU campus.

BEER
No shit you’re going to find beer. What did you expect? Prepare for keg beer, Keystone Light, Busch Light, and PBR galore. Occasionally you’ll find something else, but don’t get excited. For the love of God, please do not drink the bottles if you find any in a fridge! That shit is stealing and is uncool. Be thankful enough that NU’s frats don’t charge like asshole state schools. We’re nice like that. Don’t trash the place.

Why Markwell is a Man of Jellyfish

Hopefully you didn't confuse this with the ads for free lube during Sex Week.

April 18th is the day when everyone at NU realized that Markwell wasn’t some lame write-in for ASG AVP or another bizarre position that pretends to campaign but hardly matters because we only really care about the Prez. So what was this Markwell stuff? Why are people who look like the God Squad wearing shirts that make me think of the UF Gators or prisoners on highway detail?

Because apparently everyone is born a fuck up. I’m not even joking. That is (paraphrasing, but not straying at all from) what Markwell put on the site. Now I may not be religious like Chet Haze, and I can tell you that I consider myself at least a slightly religious person, but the idea of religion is like a Jellyfish. It’s nice to look at, nice to talk about even, but let that shit get close to you and you’ll get stung. Now don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of religious people. My own mother has a Master’s degree in Pastoral Ministries and I am personal friends with (COUNT ‘EM) 3 Bishops. So please, I’ve been pretty up close and personal with some Jellyfish.

My entire issue with Markwell isn’t the fact that he’s evangelizing. Seriously, go ahead if you feel like that’s your jive, but if Cru’s going to brand itself like this, they’re just going to get backlash like what they’ve experienced for the past day and a half. Honestly, Cru has been known to be excessively invasive, bordering at times on incredibly rude. I’d LOVE to see them order something at Burger King. I mean, please, couldn’t you find a better way of describing all of your friends and peers and professors than as jacked-up souls “intentionally rebel[ling] against God”? It’s just too much for me. We need some memes up in this shit for real, yo.

If you bring religion up at Northwestern like Cru did with the Markwell campaign, then prepare to get stung.

Instead of going on to refute Markwell any more than I already have — because others are doing a fine-ass job — I offer a few things we could do better than spend time worrying about this Markwell crap:

1. Vote for Dillo Day T-Shirts!
What other way can you better enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you’re going to get more heinous at Mayfest than the Markwell and Kony2012 campaigns put together?! There’s plenty of really good designs, from the nerdy Dillo Venn diagram design to a Tank with a mustachioed Dillo. Do people still write “mustachioed?” It’s a word. I swear.

2. Stalk Project Cookie!
Almost as heinous as the above, but a different flavor. You can stalk down that Cookie Monster-garbed student and snag plenty of delicious cookies to feed your emotional-eating problem. This Markwell stuff is so sad, I may buy them out! Come to my dorm you fools!!!!

3. Entertain a Prospie!
Have a wee little High School Senior come on over to your dorm and unleash the fury of a thousand NU sailing team members. I’ve been to La Casa. Shit is cray, guys. I almost had to drink the beer off the floor when I spilled it. Why not share that experience with a prospie that will either be horrified (the weak ones) or push you down to the dirty concrete themselves as they shotgun a PBR (the mighty, heinous ones).

God said to Abraham, "Go kill me a son. With automatic weaponry."

4. Desperately try to look up Pippa Middleton in her controversial outfit!
Nevermind, Sir T-Worth and the Packhammer are all over that, and judging by the glint in their eyes, I wouldn’t trust your chances of getting near that even if you survived the Hunger Games.

5. Join Pottermore!
Because why the fuck not? It’s worth it for McGonagall’s story and Markwell will probably call you a satanic Wiccan, which will be funny. Funny mostly because who says “Wiccan” anymore?

6. Read a Bible!
Look up all the parts in the King James Version that detail the best ways to pester passerby’s on street corners.

Why Language Teachers are the Same as Stalkers

Why exactly do you need to know about all the body parts in a foreign language?

Does that sound crazy to you? Maybe, after I give you the low-down, you’ll be one step closer to realizing that Madame BumbleBrioche could possibly be looking into your windows at night. Don’t underestimate the power of the foreign language textbook. It acts so innocently until it jumps out of the bushes and asks you a multitude of questions. After a brief epiphany with a gorgeous gal named Katherine in class today, I’ve realized the truth. I’ve studied 6 languages in my life, and 4 of them perfectly apply to my theory that language teachers are identical to stalkers. (Latin is unfortunately a “dead” language, and the Thai I studied was merely survival vocabulary to get around the city and village and prostitutes).

Think about the questions these language textbooks ask you. I’m going to pull out a selection from my French textbook for you to evaluate:

What’s your name?
How old are you?
Where are you from?
Do you live in a dormitory or in a house?
What do you do?
What do you like to do?
What is your phone number?
When do you eat?
When do you study?
When do you go to sleep?
What do you want to do?
Who do you know?
Who are your parents?
Who’s in your family?
Who are your friends?
What did you do last weekend?
What is the weather like where you are?
What does your family do?
Were you alone last night?
Did you go out with friends last night?
Do you have a petit(e) ami(e)? (Boyfriend/Girlfriend)
What classes are you taking?
What is your schedule?
What do you do on the weekends?
Are you going out of town?
What are you doing this summer?
Do you like to travel?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO AFTER CLASS THAT WILL GET YOU INTO MY WHITE VAN WITH CANDY AND NO WINDOWS?

How do you say "I have candy and a gamecube in my van" in French?

Maybe not the last one so much, but I digress. So next time you open up your language textbook, question yourself and question your teacher. Are they looking for this information for a particular reason? Who knows who’s actually grading your tests. Oh yeah, it definitely helps your number skills to recite your phone number a couple of times. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

ALL I SEE ARE PEDOBEARS IN MY TEXTBOOK.

Happy learning languages!

The Thirst Games: May the Alcohol Be EVER in Your Favor!

There can only be one winner

With the Hunger Games out and about and making waves (Thank GOD it made triple the box office money that any of the Twilight series made), one can assume that we would do only one thing here at Sherman Ave. DRINK TO SUCCESS.

So here’s a handy follow-along reading and drinking guide to the Hunger Games:

Supplies:
2 of any of the cocktails from the most recent Culinary Dorm Corner
Alcohol of any kind. Don’t get something cheap, The Capitol is spoiling us before the Games, right?
Mixers/Chasers – we don’t want you to pull an Amy Winehouse on us.

The Rules
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss thinks about Prim
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss thinks about Gale

• 2 if she’s slobbering on Peeta

Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever a plant name is mentioned (unless it refers to a person like Katniss, Prim or Rue, etc)
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss bitches about beautification.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Effie Trinket is a shallow cuntwaffle.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss describes the food she eats.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss shoots an arrow.

• 2 if she misses

Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Peeta gets pissy.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss assumes she knows what Haymitch is thinking.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Katniss is present when a tribute dies.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever there’s a description of the citizens of the Capitol.

• 2 if their skin is dyed.

Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Haymitch is drinking.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever Peeta is a waste of space and is constantly carried by the Careers or Katniss.
Take a shot of the mixed drink whenever there’s a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter.
2 if it’s at the end of the book.
Drink the cocktail when the Gamemakers change the rules like whiny kids.

HAVE FUN!

Culinary Dorm Corner: Cocktails!!!!!!

How else are we supposed to get our daily fruit requirement?

NOTICE: Just as the Evanston City Council assumes that all Twitter accounts are real, here at Sherman Ave we assume that all of our readers are responsible drinkers who are of legal age.

So in true Sherman Ave fashion, I’m writing this article as I’m five standard drinks in on St. Patrick’s day, which I think everyone can agree is the most heinous of holidays. Or rather, Alco-holidays. Let’s be real, I’m a drunk mess right now. I’m listening to Adele on full volume while I chug hard cider.

Did I mention I’m a ¼ Irish? No? Well, that and the 3/8 Mexican should be swag enough for me to get drunk any day of the week, you judgmental fucks.

Anyway, You wanna make some tasty c*cktails, eh? (are we Canadian now? Idk, bro)

So LET’S GET STARTED:

APPLE FUCKING PIE A LA MODE SHOOTER
This shit is so good. In the span of 24 hours I’ve made about 4 or 5, and consumed two myself. Regrets? NONE. This tasty little bitch will go down smoother than that Senior frat boy last Saturday.

½ shot apple pie liqueur (EV1 carries a brand called Anthony’s Own. It’s $16.99 a bottle, 25% alc. By volume. QUALITY PURCHASE FOLKS)
½ shot baily’s irish cream. (DOES IT MATTER HOW MUCH THIS COSTS? THIS IS GLORY IN A BOTTLE. I DRINK THIS LIKE WATER DAILY.)
Dash of cinnamon. (BECAUSE WE GET FANCY)

Try to throw it back because even though the liqueur is sweet, you don’t want the alcohol to curdle the cream.

Ruin yet another childhood memory with alcohol!

CIDER SLING
Typically a sling is citrus based, but the tartness of granny smith apple cider will totally suffice, especially if you use the gin I recommend because it doesn’t have a juniper berry base, which makes most gins spicier/more bitter.

½ shot New Amsterdam gin, or other gin if you like sticking it to the man (ME)
1 shot apple/apple pie liqueur
6 oz (half bottle) hard cider (I like Kelly’s a lot, but Woodchuck is sold by EV1, so it’s what I’m using)
1 or 2 oz ginger ale

This shit is a good drink if you want to get drunk but don’t want to be forced into getting a new drink every second. It’s tasty, it’s apple-y and that’s all that counts for me right now. I AM DRINKING ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW, THAT SHOULD TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT IS.

CHERRY WHISKEY
I don’t even know if there’s some nasty cherry whiskey out there, considering we’ve got cherry liqueur, brandy, vodka, etc, but this’ll fit the bill and go down really smooth. Enough of these and you’ll break whatever holiday it is. Believe me, Sherman Ave broke MLK Day on these.

1 shot of HONEY whiskey (it has to be honey, and I prefer Jack Daniels)
Splash of gold rum
2 maraschino cherries
A bigger splash of the juice from the cherry jar
5 to 6 oz. coke

Be careful with these, please. The last time I imbibed these bad boys my roommate was not happy with their contents being deposited on my bed while I slept on the floor. Then I stole a friend’s camera and had an 11 image photo shoot by myself with a fire extinguisher. This shit is dangerous.

Goes great with skiing, family vacations, and the existential coldness of winter quarter.

CHOCOLATE SURPRISE
The surprise is how drunk you get, you fuck. HAPPY HOLIDAYS? Anyway, this is gonna be a great thing to sip on and get progressively more slutty. I hold no responsibility for your hookups.

1 shot crème de cacao
1 shot bailey’s
1 shot Kahlua
5 oz. rosemary simple syrup (boil 1 cup sugar and 1 cup water, take off heat and throw in a bunch of rosemary and let cool. Take out rosemary and then voila! syrup)
1 shot cream/whole milk.

Pour this over ice. Nothing is better than this, I swear. I’m sorry I can type so well when I’m drunk guys, but really. I made this based on an ice cream flavor at the Bent Spoon in Princeton, NJ, and that shit was really tasty so yeah… This happened.

ANYWAY, I hope you guys enjoy these drinks. Please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT do all of these drinks at once, because you’ll will end up flatter than a opossum crossing I-95. #southernjoke. OH WELL. HAPPY SPRING BREAK!

Why Chet Haze is a Taint-Strudel

Now originally I had written a nice article exploring Chet’s recent tweets of his shirtless body and the mostly naked girl in the fuzzy background. I was totally set to make fun of him until I found this tweet stuck amongst his softcore porno instagrams:

I thought to myself, “Hey, is Chester M. Hanks being a nice guy, tolerant and supportive like his father?”

Then I realized I was talking about Chet Haze and the fact that he was just trying to boost his ego with pictures of his half-naked self to get followers. Apparently some Brazilians and Venezuelans are following him too, but the truth lies in the NU girls following him. Why are they doing it? “To see all the dumb shit he posts” is a pretty common answer by far. His pictures certainly beg for the attention of anyone posting in reddit.com/r/amisexy, and he certainly didn’t stop with the douche-mongering last Monday.

With hashtags like #kinetik (constantly plugging his management group, whose only real star is Chet himself) and #i<3ChetHaze (which doesn’t tag because of the inequality sign—awkward…), and the shame of not even being followed on twitter by his own father, Chet HAD to do something more to get followers.

So this happened:

And then this happened:

And then this happened:

It continues, but let’s not get too entrenched in his bizarre Evangelism. Before you get all crazy on me, I identify as a religious Catholic. But I also think tolerance is good and that there is a time and a place and twitter is NEVER the place to try some Evangelism, especially when you do nothing but contradict the shit out of yourself every day. Chet Haze has written NUMEROUS tweets about having sex, drinking, “getting wit the ladies,” and more. Sure, sex is fine, but I’m pretty sure Atheists have their own reasons for being so, and it’s just a rude thing to say that they are destroying society.

If anything Chet, you’re destroying life. Evangelism, last time I checked, isn’t supposed to involve calling people “Fucking fool[s].” Right now, you’re about as Evangelistic as Westboro Baptist, and those guys are incredible taint-strudels.

Then this happened:

Now, at first this seems like nothing, logical even, except that this is a misinterpretation of the bible. This idea comes from the verse about a sheep/lamb being led to the slaughter and opening not his mouth. I believe it’s from Isaiah 53, which is the 3rd Messianic oracle in the prophet Isaiah’s book in the old testament. That line is describing JESUS, the suffering servant. So in fact, you’re just being a lard-ass, because JESUS WAS THE SHEEP. YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT CHET. GO TO BED. (<– more about that in a bit.)

So the preaching self-righteous tweets went on for a while and then this happened:

Really? REALLY???

Then:

So Halima simply said “go to bed.” Good job at taking THAT tweet over the edge. And really? Lukewarm Mass of Mediocrity? Hardly. In fact, can we get that shit trending in the Chicago area? That would be great. Also, 15 hours ago would’ve been 2 am. You SHOULD go to bed. But then again, Chester, you were writing a 9 page paper for your Humanities 260 course with Morson and Morty. The same class that you sent out this email to the entire student attendance:

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

But then you realize, this has ALL been because C. Marlon Hanks decided that writing this 9-page paper has changed his life! You know why? He’s writing a paper comparing different translations of the Cain and Abel story. THAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A CLERGYMAN.

Then:

I KNOW THIS GIRL. THAT IS SARCASM YOU FUCK.

THEN THIS. THIS IS THE GOLD:

NO, YOU SOUR ASS MOTHERFUCKER. GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSITY. YOU ARE NOT A NERD, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO HASHTAG THAT. YOU ARE UP THIS LATE BECAUSE YOU ARE PROCRASTINATING. YOU ARE NOT A NERD BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WRITING THIS OF YOUR OWN VOLITION. YOU HAVE TO WRITE THIS BECAUSE IT IS A FUCKING PROMPT. AS IN YOU WERE GIVEN TWO OR THREE CHOICES AND THIS IS THE SHITSTAIN YOU PICKED. GET THE FUCK OUT CHET HAZE.

I just want everyone to know that this is a $4.95 copy of a paperback bible that Chet only had to purchase because the class required it, which means his “Pray Everyday” shit has only been going on since the beginning of Winter quarter. You’re a really big spender, aren’t you.

YOU’VE BEEN CHET HAZED!

Introducing: The Sherman Ave Swag Shoppe

Could it be…!?

Has Northwestern’s premier political/historical/alcoholic-humor blog finally started up a capitalistic endeavor designed to raise enough money to pay off their gambling IOU’s from last year’s Northwestern-University of Chicago Women’s Ice Hockey match by selling you shit with their name emblazoned across it!?

That’s RIGHT!

Sherman Ave has got a great new Swag Shoppe just for you heinous kids running amok in downtown Evanston. Protest authority, sexual mores, your shitty TA, Illinois drinking laws, and more with our brand new merchandise line!

With an ever increasing range of products, there’s sure to be something to please you!

From shirts to sweatpants, we’ll try to cover up as much of your body as possible. Want bootylicious lingerie? We’ve got it. Want to proudly display your affection for Morty or underage drinking at the Keg? We’ve got just the shirts for you.

We even have a bandanna to gag you with if you open your mouth!

Too far? Well, we guess that’s just #HEINOUS.

Check out the new Sherman Ave Swag Shoppe HERE!!!