March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into: Continue reading
Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you. Continue reading
1. Die-athalon. Also known as “Inline Midterms,” the Die-athalon requires the participants to be fully willing to die in University Library over the course of a grueling five day span. The athletes must sustain themselves only on the weird ham sandwiches you can buy in those vending machines on the second floor, and are judged on how many times they click away from Netflix as they pretend to prepare for their six midterms in three classes. The Die-athalon annually claims the lives of all but one of the contestants.
2. Pairs Figure Skating. “The partners see each other now, locking eyes from nearly half a block away on Sheridan. They glide gracefully toward each other, veering side to side in near unison, almost as if they’re actually just trying to pass each other but can’t stop slipping on all this goddamn ice. They’re almost to each other now! The girl falls backwards, pretending to slip, in the utmost display of trust. The man reaches out, catching her in his arms! They spin around, papers flying! And at last they’re still, a perfect catch! 9.8’s from every judge, and gold to Northwestern!” Continue reading
Once again, we find ourselves in that magical quadrennial sports paradise. No, not the Summer Olympics, but the Winter Olympics: a mecca of athletic achievement for sports that people compete in when it’s too cold for more popular sports. With fourteen categories and dozens of different events over a two week period, how can one possibly know what to watch and why. From the marquee events, to the winter olympic staples, to the kind-of-sports to the definitely-not-sports, we’re here to break it down for you: Continue reading
The Super Bowl is on Sunday. This is a big game if you like football. If you don’t know what football is, or you got invited to a Super Bowl Party by some guy/girl you’re crushing on, or if you wake up from a nap on Sunday to find a crowd has gathered around you to watch “the game,” here are a few things you can say to create the illusion that you are aware of/interested in what’s going on:
Q: What is the Super Bowl?
A: It’s a game of American football played between professional teams.
Q: Is this different from the Superb Owl?
Q: So why is it different from any other game?
A: The Super Bowl is a much bigger game, with much higher stakes.
Q: I’m intrigued, explain more about these stakes.
A: In the Super Bowl, each touchdown is worth six points, unless the defense invokes the Vanderbilt Rule and successfully clubs at least three (3) baby seals before the extra point attempt. If the defense is able to Vandy in time, the score is worth only four and everyone has to wear Ralph Lauren, Chubbies, topsiders and speak in a southern drawl for the next five minutes. Additionally, the winning team may choose any eight virgins from the other team’s city.
Q: Anything else happen to the losing team?
A: They’re forced to stare at Roger Goodell’s dick until they go blind.
Q: This seems messed up.
A: You should see the NFL’s collective bargaining agreement.
Q: How many players are on each team?
A: 11 are on the field for each team at a time.
Q: Why 11?
A: To represent Jesus and the 10 Disciples.
Q: I’m not sure that’s right.
A: I’m a Catholic priest.
Q: So who’s playing in the Super Bowl?
A: The Seattle Seahawks (booooo) and the Denver Broncos (yay, I guess).
Q: Why do we like the Broncos better?
A: While Seattle has some likeable players like Russell Wilson, Richard Sherman and Marshawn Lynch, they are also coached by an absolute douchenozzle. The Broncos, on the other hand, have a coach who overcame a heart surgery and a quarterback who overcame a spinal injury.
Q: Which team has that tight end who killed like eight people?
A: Neither, the Broncos actually defeated that team last week.
Q: Now I understand why we’re all rooting for Denver.
A: That, and it’s funny because Seattle doesn’t even have an NBA team any more.
Q: Low blow. What’s a “12th Man?”
A: A mythical creature native to the northwest United States, the 12th Man wanders wooded areas, scaring campers and complaining about the officiating in Super Bowl XL.
Q: Why do we use Roman numerals in naming the Super Bowl?
A: Because we ~fancy~.
Q: Where is the Super Bowl being played?
A: Just outside of New York City.
Q: Ohhh, so this is all about New York! That’s why we all care!
A: You are Satan.
A: …Any more questions?
Q: Yeah, do we all get free Papa John’s if Peyton Manning wins?
A: No, but I do next time I order because I’m just one point short of a free pizza on Papajohns.com!
Q: How high will everyone in Washington and Colorado be?
A: OMG NO WAY THE TWO TEAMS PLAYING ARE FROM STATES THAT LEGALIZED POT YOU MUST BE THE FIRST PERSON TO NOTICE.
Q: How long ago was Janet’s wardrobe malfunction?
A: 10 years.
Q: That’s when I discovered my sexuality.
A: Now I’m sad.
Q: What if I just wanna watch for the commercials?
A: Totally fine! Just make sure to tell everyone that over and over and over during the game and act all annoyed when people cheer.
Q: Have you seen that Budweiser commercial with the puppy?!
A: IT CHANGED ME.
Q: NOTHING WILL BE THE SAME.
A: Good chat.
My eyes widen, and a patriotic spark awakens
My senses, as though of Coca-Cola I had drunk,
Or inhaled a Big-Mac with four slices of bacon.
One minute passed, and then these words I had thunk:
“Tis not through hatred of the ugly lot,
but being too happy in thy ugliness,-
That thou, star-spangled cardigan of wool,
In some melodious plot
Of patchwork art, and flags numberless (aka 2),
Singest of America the beautiful.
We all know how this season’s Super Bowl will go down. Bill Belichick, after using his rarely-confirmed-but-widely-assumed necromancy powers to revive Rob Gronkowski’s knee (and also hiring Nancy Kerrigan’s boyfriend to demolish Peyton Manning’s knee), will lead his team of diabolic henchmen to yet another Super Bowl appearance. Combining his black magic prowess with a well-used and peculiar gravitational phenomenon that occurs around Giselle Bundchen’s breasttaking breaths — did I get that right? — the Patriots will win the Super Bowl by 30 or 40 points over the opposing team, who could be basically anyone but the Eagles.
In the off-season and beyond, however, the picture is less clear. To help guide you through what should be a fascinating year in the NFL, here are our predictions for 2014. Continue reading
Every year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads. They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied. So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching. Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them: