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Roommate Swears to Have Smoked with Chance The Rapper One Time

6 Apr
(via MTV)

(via MTV)

EVANSTON, Il. – On Thursday night, shortly after Mayfest organizers announced that Chance The Rapper would be the daytime headliner at Dillo Day, your roommate excitedly declared that he met Chance at a party last summer. According to your roommate, the party was hosted by his high school buddy’s second-cousin at an apartment in the Southside of Chicago in late July.

Your roommate claims to have recognized the 20 year-old rapper immediately because he had been a fan of him “forever,” even before the release of his first mixtape, #10Day. Furthermore, your roommate “swears to fucking god” that he smoked a massive blunt with him outside and listened to him free-style rap.

When asked for comment, your roommate giddily recounted his life-defining experience: Continue reading

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Student Creates Spotify Playlist to Pretend to Like Chance The Rapper

4 Apr

Chance_The_Rapper_2013EVANSTON, Il. —Following Mayfest’s announcement that Chance The Rapper will appear as the 2014 Dillo Day Daytime Headliner, Northwestern University junior Marc Dennis listened the top 4 Spotify search results for ‘chance rapper’, figuring this would allow him to pretend he liked Chance The Rapper.

Dennis, who skimmed the first half of each song in a new Spotify playlist titled “chance dillo”, is the rising Chicago-based hip hop artist’s self-proclaimed biggest fan.

“I’m so psyched he’s coming. I love all of his stuff,” reported Dennis enthusiastically about Chance The Rapper. “His new album is so sick,” continued Dennis, supposedly referring to the critically acclaimed mix-tape Acid Rap which was predominantly featured in the Spotify playlist.

Dennis, who could be seen mouthing the lyrics to, “Cocoa Butter Kisses,” while scrolling over the Rap Genius lyrics page for the song, reports that Chance is, “even better in concert.”

Dennis is apparently thrilled that Chance has been booked so far in advance, as he knew only the lyrics to the chorus “Black and Yellow” during Wiz Khalifa’s 2013 Dillo performance which was announced only days before the event.

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Mayfest Announces Rebecca Black, Female, As Dillo Day Headliner

16 Mar

EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female.

“After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read ‘BRING A FEMALE ARTIST TO DILLO DAY’ throughout our newsfeed,” Mayfest spokesman Connor Dart said, “we decided Continue reading

Bieber To Invoke “Stand Your Ground” Defense

23 Jan

MIAMI– Explaining that the law provides “blanket immunity for white people,” pop star Justin Bieber announced Thursday that he will use Florida’s “Stand Your Ground Defense” against Continue reading

Getting Into Black Panties: Reviewing R. Kelly’s latest

16 Dec

Here’s the thing about R. Kelly: At this point, he has nothing left to prove to anyone.  Except, clearly, himself, which is why this 46-year-old self-described “Pied Piper of R&B,” who’s sold a cool 38.5 million albums since 1991, just released his latest, Black Panties.

Yep, Black Panties.  It’s a good bet that after releasing two albums of throwback, Motown-inspired music – 2010’s Love Letter and 2012’s Write Me Back – Kelly felt the need to get back to basics.  In R. Kelly’s world, this involves being as horny as possible all the time and letting people know.

Continue reading

The Hollow Pastiche of Beyoncé’s Genius: A Reviéw

13 Dec

BEYONCE

The songs on Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, BEYONCÉ, are fine. They’re good songs that sound like the music Beyoncé makes, which is what people like to listen to. The music on the album is whatever and absolutely besides the point because OH MY GOD BEY JUST BROUGHT THE INTERNET TO A GRINDING HALT. Beyoncé unexpectedly dropping a 14-song album and the 17 corresponding music videos plus credits exclusively on iTunes—and the ensuing collective Internet swoon—makes Beyoncé pop culture’s truest celebrity and genius. But the mega-stardom and brilliance of Beyoncé and her album succeeds either because of, or in spite of her “visual album” presenting a form of pastiche as devoid of substantive value as Upworthy, and not even half as inspired.

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OH MY GOD BEYONCÉ JUST DROPPED A NEW ALBUM ON ITUNES

13 Dec

Pictured: The Queen, just moments after I coated my nether regions in a thick layer of urine.

Guys. GUYS. GUYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSS.

The rumors are true. Beyoncé just dropped a new album on iTunes and didn’t even tell anyone, not even Blue Ivy.

This is basically our generation’s Pearl Harbor, except we’re excited about it, and even the president didn’t know it was going to happen.

Beyoncé’s fifth studio album, complete with complementary videos for literally every song, plus a bonus video, means that this is the most visual material Beyoncé has supplied since posing for the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition. According to the hastily scrawled iTunes Editors’ Notes, the album is “a provocative, unguarded artistic statement–revealing a side of the icon previously unknown to fans and cementing her status as a pop visionary.”

Not like we needed to study for finals or anything.

Alison Gold to Release “Japanese Food” Single in Response to Rebecca Black’s “Saturday”

8 Dec

BOCA, Fl. – It was announced today by PatoMuzic that Alison Gold will be releasing a new song, titled “Japanese Food,” after the rampant success of Rebecca Black’s new song “Saturday.”

via bonappetite.com

via bonappetite.com

“The decision was an obvious one,” Gold said in an exclusive interview with Sherman Ave[1].  “After we saw that a one-hit wonder like [Black] could turn around and produce an even better song, I went right back to the studio to do what I do best: bubblegum pop featuring inaccurate yet equally crude racial stereotypes.” Continue reading

Hey Everybody Look at This Funny Video I Found That No One Else Has Talked About Yet

25 Nov

Hi everyone.  Prince Giblets here.  Hope you’re all wrapping up with school stuff and are nice and ready for Thanksgiving.Bound 3

I’ll make this quick.  I just wanted to tell all of you about this really funny video I just found.  It’s with the fat guy from Freaks and Geeks and then the – well, actually, let me back up.  Continue reading