A Heinous[1] Proposal: Last-Minute Pitch for Punny Fall TV Shows

Now is the time of year when executives at the major national broadcasting networks begin to decide which TV shows they’re going to give pilots to in the fall lineup, and in four short weeks they will announce to America what lies in store this coming September. While there are some clear front runners, it’s still too early to tell which pilots are flops waiting to happen and which will be the next Grimm: the police procedural/fantasy hybrid based in the world of Grimms’ Fairy Tales that is still keeping viewers spellbound three seasons in. Fridays, 9/8c[2].

This dude is just enthralled with Grimm’s whatever whatever. (via digitaltrends.com)

There are also some concepts floating around out there that are amazingly ridiculous[3], but the proposed concepts are missing one thing. There is a severe lack of series titles built around fantastically groan-inducing puns[4]. That’s why I’ve prepared this list of pun-based TV pilots that I’m trusting one of you RTVF readers to get into the right hands.

ABC: A drama-comedy about

Forget Disney’s “Frozen”; Watch “Foodfight!”

It doesn’t take a whole lot of searching to see that college-aged students love children’s animated films. Scroll down your Facebook newsfeed on a given day, and you’re bound to stumble upon some turkey posting the results from his/her insipid “Which Character From Disney’s Frozen Are You?” Buzzfeed quiz. (Hint: You are none of them, because they aren’t real.)

The cross-generational appeal and monster success of a film like Frozen is actually pretty easy to parse out when you think about it: The movie tells a simple story, with a message devoid of the cynicism or irony that plagues so much of pop culture today; the visuals are crisp and look great on your new HD TV; some of the songs are actually kind of catchy, to the point of being grating.

Strange, then, that all of these qualities are noticeably absent from the far superior film Foodfight!, which stands as one of the greatest children’s entertainments ever spawned by the Hollywood-Industrial Complex. Ignore the movie’s 2.5 out of 10 rating on IMDB, because IMDB is run by a bunch of knuckle-dragging dinguses who wouldn’t know true art if it took a hot, meaty dump on their front porch.

Reportedly made on a budget of forty-five million US dollars, Foodfight! stars

Hodor from Game of Thrones delivers famous movie quotes (pt.II)

If only Hodor was in every movie.

A Loud, Incoherent Review of The Raid 2 (Spring’s Manliest Movie)

THE RAID 2 BY GARETH EVANS IS THE BEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN SINCE I FOUND THE SEX TAPES THAT MY MOM MADE WITH PEOPLE THAT AREN’T MY DAD.   WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS, CONSTANTLY, IN AN EMPTY ROOM, UNTIL YOU DIE. AT TIMES, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE DRIVING A NEW MERCEDES BENZ STRAIGHT AT A BRICK WALL AT 120 MILES PER HOUR, SURVIVING, AND DOING IT AGAIN AS SOON AS YOU GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. MOST OF THE TIME HOWEVER, WATCHING THE RAID 2 IS LIKE

Infographic: Who Is Watching “Cosmos” Right Now?

Famous Movie Quotes Spoken by Hodor from Game of Thrones

If you haven’t seen Game of Thrones or read A Song of Ice and Fire books THEN YOU FUCKING SHOULD BECAUSE GEORGE R. R. MARTIN WENT TO NORTHWESTERN FOR 5 YEARS, HE WAS A MEDILLDO AND HE TRAVERSED THE HALLS OF TECH AND HE WALKED TO CLASS IN SHITTY WEATHER AND HE WAS SO INSPIRED THAT HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT COLD AND DOOM AND MISERY.

There’s also a lot of sex in Game of Thrones.

But we all know none of that came from Northwestern.

In Game of Thrones, there’s a character named Hodor who never says anything except “Hodor.” He’s also the most devilishly handsome character on the TV show, and a regular fan-favorite. Part of Hodor’s charm is that he uses the phrase “Hodor” in place of any actual words. To demonstrate, Sherman Ave has translated some of the best movie quotes of all time into Hodor-ese.

So hodor to your hodor! Hodor hodor and remember, hodor. 

 

Sherman Ave Interviews: Alexis Maxwell

(via CBS)

Did you know that there was a Northwestern senior on Survivor? We do. We interviewed her. Alexis Maxwell represented us ‘Cats on Season 28 of Survivor, which pitted Brains against Brawns against Beauties. Alexis put her SESP and psychology skills to the test in the Beauty tribe before she was ultimately voted off the show. While she may not have won the million dollar prize, Alexis captured the hearts of creepy men on twitter, past Survivor contestants, and two of our heinous writers:

Smangston Hughes: So should we refer to you as Alexis or Alexis-Maxwell-That-Girl-in-Theta-on-Survivor? Which do you prefer?

Alexis: (Laughs) You could cut the Theta part.

Smangston Hughes: Perfect. So besides Dillo Day, how did your Northwestern experience help prepare you for Survivor?

How Terry Shipman Took Over the Internet

(via ibtimes.co.uk)

Terry Shipman was just your average guy. There wasn’t much to know. He lives or is from Beaumont, Texas. That’s actually all that I know about him. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this tweeting titan. But then one fateful evening, he decided to take a blowtorch to all that we knew and cherished about the Internet. This is Terry’s world, and we’re all lucky enough to live in it.

Let’s start from the beginning:

This is Terry’s first tweet ever. He seems a bit lost, but weren’t we all before Terry Shipman became who he is today? He’s desperately reaching out to his so-called son J. Michael Shipman. And he probably

The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

Best Picture:

• Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

• Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

• Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

• Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

• Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

• Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

• Who Should Win:

12 Realistic Oscar Predictions for This Year

It’s Oscar season, and every person who’s ever seen a movie thinks they know what’s up when it comes to predicting the winners. Alas, sometimes what seems like the obvious choice doesn’t end up with the coveted golden statue that every immodest asshole has to complain is “so heavy”.

But don’t fret if your Oscar Prediction Ballot is full of disappointment. There are some things that we can all accurately predict about the Oscars. I’ve decided to share with you a few things you can realistically bet on during this year’s Academy Awards Show to diffuse some anxiety.

1. Ellen will dance. Probably a lot.  Because that’s what she does. She makes jokes and dances and invites talented children from YouTube to appear on her show.

2. Jennifer Lawrence will do something adorable and everyone on every social media platform will talk about how much they love her and maybe even talk to each other in real life about it because she is that adorable.