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BREAKING: Procrastination A Real Thing, Girl Confirms

7 Apr

Girl with booksEVANSTON, Il —The existence of procrastination was confirmed early this morning. Weinberg junior Megan Rathburn ended a long period of speculation today with the definitive statement that, “Yeah, procrastination is a real thing.”

The announcement came on the heels of a brief conversation regarding the urge to watch Netflix when one should be working. Procrastination, which, according to Rathburn, is “such a struggle,” now explains a previously gaping hole in human behavior.

“We always knew that important work wasn’t always being completed by deadlines, but now we finally have an explanation as to why,” reported Dr. Linda Jensen, a leading human behavior specialist at Johns Hopkins University.

Rachel Hayes, a colleague of Rathburn’s, corroborated the announcement that individuals often put off important duties this afternoon.

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Student Creates Spotify Playlist to Pretend to Like Chance The Rapper

4 Apr

Chance_The_Rapper_2013EVANSTON, Il. —Following Mayfest’s announcement that Chance The Rapper will appear as the 2014 Dillo Day Daytime Headliner, Northwestern University junior Marc Dennis listened the top 4 Spotify search results for ‘chance rapper’, figuring this would allow him to pretend he liked Chance The Rapper.

Dennis, who skimmed the first half of each song in a new Spotify playlist titled “chance dillo”, is the rising Chicago-based hip hop artist’s self-proclaimed biggest fan.

“I’m so psyched he’s coming. I love all of his stuff,” reported Dennis enthusiastically about Chance The Rapper. “His new album is so sick,” continued Dennis, supposedly referring to the critically acclaimed mix-tape Acid Rap which was predominantly featured in the Spotify playlist.

Dennis, who could be seen mouthing the lyrics to, “Cocoa Butter Kisses,” while scrolling over the Rap Genius lyrics page for the song, reports that Chance is, “even better in concert.”

Dennis is apparently thrilled that Chance has been booked so far in advance, as he knew only the lyrics to the chorus “Black and Yellow” during Wiz Khalifa’s 2013 Dillo performance which was announced only days before the event.

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James Franco Visits Northwestern, Possibly Forever

28 Feb

James_Franco_2007_Spiderman_3_premiereEVANSTON, IL—A&O Productions and Northwestern University announced yesterday that James Franco will visit campus Saturday as winter speaker, followed this year by an appearance as spring speaker, Dillo Day headliner, Blowout performer, and poetry professor.

Franco, an actor famed for his role in “Freaks and Geeks,” squinting, and his diverse creative talents, was A&O’s first choice for all of the positions.

“As soon as we saw how well students reacted to his poetry reading we knew Northwestern University needed more of James Franco,” said A&O spokeswoman Jeremiah Spunkleford, referencing the actor’s recent appearance at the Chicago Humanities Festival at Northwestern’s law school. “We’re grateful James Franco has been so cooperative with our move toward integrating him fully into the Northwestern experience.”

“We’re thrilled to announce there’s going to be more James Franco at Northwestern University,” continued Spunkleford. “A lot more.”

Franco’s upcoming appearances are scheduled for April as spring speaker, May 31 as the headlining musical act of the recently renamed Franco Day and again in October as the Fall Blowout headliner.

A&O productions, a group comprised of Northwestern students, is charged with procuring performers for its annual Northwestern campus events, including speakers, comedians and musical acts. A representative of A&O productions reported that the group was Continue reading

Professor Facing Charges for Scanning Genitals into Optional Course Readings Since 2009

27 Jan

EVANSTON, IL — Northwestern University music history professor Dr. Maxwell Douglas is currently on academic probation and awaiting trial on the charges that he repeatedly scanned his genitalia into PDFs of optional course readings posted on the university’s course management site.

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Dr. Douglas.  Not pictured: Dr. Douglas’s junk.

The extent of the professor’s perverse action is currently under investigation, although sources can confirm the obscene imagery appeared as early as 2009 in an excerpt on Gregorian chant and continued undiscovered until late 2013. Continue reading

Understanding and Combating S.A.D.

9 Dec
Know the signs.

Know the signs.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), commonly called ‘Winter Blues’, is a type of depression which most commonly manifests itself during the fall and winter months. Understanding the causes and signs of SAD is important to avoiding falling into depression during the cold winter months ahead.

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Norris Replaces Subway With Troughs of “Food Slop”

23 Oct

Pictured: Slop from the “Rick Bayless” trough, which only costs an extra $4.75 per handful.

EVANSTON, Ill. — In a press conference earlier today, Norris Center’s executive director Kelly Schaefer announced that the student center has closed the recently opened Subway restaurant and replaced it with troughs of “food slop.”

“Over the past few weeks, we’ve received a massive influx of negative student feedback following the opening of a Subway restaurant in Norris Center to provide healthy dining options for students. In response to this radical response we’ve decided that you can all go Continue reading