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Class of 2014’s Senior Citizens Thrilled with Selection of Commencement Speaker

4 Apr
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(via voices.suntimes.com)

EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.

“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”

Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”

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The Five Types of People in Your March Madness Pool

22 Mar
Type #6: That Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into: Continue reading

Student Beats 2048; Everybody Cares

20 Mar

via forums.toucharcade.com

EVANSTON, IL – The entirety of Core in University Library broke into vivacious applause late last night after Weinberg Sophomore Jeff Hudson completed the viral online game 2048 during a nine-hour study break. According to those within the library, everybody cared, a lot. No really, they emphasized, literally everybody gave a shit that someone moved tiles around on a screen long enough to form a slightly different tile.

Asked for comment, Hudson replied that Continue reading

Winter Olympics Preview: The Sports

6 Feb
(via labbrand.com)

(via labbrand.com)

Once again, we find ourselves in that magical quadrennial sports paradise. No, not the Summer Olympics, but the Winter Olympics: a mecca of athletic achievement for sports that people compete in when it’s too cold for more popular sports. With fourteen categories and dozens of different events over a two week period, how can one possibly know what to watch and why. From the marquee events, to the winter olympic staples, to the kind-of-sports to the definitely-not-sports, we’re here to break it down for you: Continue reading

Five College Football Bowl Games That Need New Names

27 Dec

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Every year between the end of the college football season and the national championship game we’re forced to endure a series of overly-sponsored match-ups by slightly-better-than-average football squads.  They are given a shot at eternal glory by conquering opponents in bowl games whose names leave even the most experienced commentators tongue tied.  So, whether we’re fans of the sport, fans of a team in the game, or someone who happens to be watching television over this holiday season, bowl games like the “Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl” often leave us with an overwhelming sense of confusion as to why teams are playing and who is watching.  Here are five bowl games whose names stand out as horribly mis-matched with the teams competing in them:

Continue reading

An Open Letter to Blackboard

21 Oct

Dear employee(s) of the Blackboard “Course Management System”,

I imagine most days are pretty monotonous at Blackboard HQ.  Outside of the orgies with the guy who runs CAESAR, the guy who decides what hours the dining halls are open, and the guy who kept the doors of Deering Library closed for forty-two years, there isn’t much to do.  Most days probably just consist of the Continue reading

Somali Pirate Feels “Sorry” For American Failed State

15 Oct
"I have no idea how you would negotiate with Ted Cruz." - Somali Pirate

“I have no idea how you would negotiate with Ted Cruz.” – Somali Pirate

“That banana republic?” asks Mogadishu shopkeeper and pirate, Hufan Samatar, with a chuckle, “who would want to move there?”  He takes a slow drag of his cigarette. “What more do I need to say? America is Continue reading