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Forget Disney’s “Frozen”; Watch “Foodfight!”

29 Apr

It doesn’t take a whole lot of searching to see that college-aged students love children’s animated films. Scroll down your Facebook newsfeed on a given day, and you’re bound to stumble upon some turkey posting the results from his/her insipid “Which Character From Disney’s Frozen Are You?” Buzzfeed quiz. (Hint: You are none of them, because they aren’t real.)

The cross-generational appeal and monster success of a film like Frozen is actually pretty easy to parse out when you think about it: The movie tells a simple story, with a message devoid of the cynicism or irony that plagues so much of pop culture today; the visuals are crisp and look great on your new HD TV; some of the songs are actually kind of catchy, to the point of being grating.

Strange, then, that all of these qualities are noticeably absent from the far superior film Foodfight!, which stands as one of the greatest children’s entertainments ever spawned by the Hollywood-Industrial Complex. Ignore the movie’s 2.5 out of 10 rating on IMDB, because IMDB is run by a bunch of knuckle-dragging dinguses who wouldn’t know true art if it took a hot, meaty dump on their front porch.

Reportedly made on a budget of forty-five million US dollars, Foodfight! stars Continue reading

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Huge Stick Found up Student Conduct Officer’s Ass

20 Feb
The stick-in-question.  Not pictured: the ass. (via exo-terra.com)

The stick in question. Not pictured: the ass. (via exo-terra.com)

EVANSTON, Il – A student conduct officer was rushed to the hospital Wednesday evening after a stick was found up his ass, Northwestern University officials say.

This marks the third stick-in-ass report for the Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution in the past year alone, an epidemic that has left the department short-staffed.

“It’s definitely a problem,” paramedic Dan Snow, a first responder, said. “It’s almost as if all of these student conduct workers have sticks up their asses.”

Despite the medical urgency of the situation, authorities quickly Continue reading

5 Spectacularly Awful Sci–Fi/ Fantasy Character Names

12 Dec

Science fiction and fantasy are interesting genres in that they encourage narratives free from association with real–world logic, philosophy, or science. Pretty much anything goes in the land of lightsabers and lazerbeams, and that type of liberal mentality can encourage the worst creative tendencies in otherwise talented writers, especially when it comes to something as simple––and seemingly trivial––as naming characters.

I, along with many others, went to go see The Hunger Games: Catching Fire over Thanksgiving break, and while I enjoyed the movie, I found myself spit–taking my liquid popcorn butter frequently as straight–faced actors called each other things like “Effie Trinket” or “President Coriolanus (Ha! Anus!) Snow.”

Continue reading

Jesus Speaks Out About Kanye West’s New Tour

24 Oct

From left to right: Jesus, Kanye. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Too tough to tell.

Chicago rapper/producer/water bottle enthusiast Kanye West began his first solo tour in five years at the Key Arena in Seattle, Wash., Saturday, sparking some controversy.

The premiere Yeezus show displayed the artist’s typically grandiose style, with a flurry of tirades from ‘Ye, a freshly baked Continue reading