Archive by Author

SororityChick69 Releases Official Frat Rankings on CollegiateACB

23 Apr

EVANSTON, Il – At 11:37 AM this morning on CollegiateACB, SororityChick69 released the official social rankings of NU’s IFC fraternities.  Her announcement falls in the wake of intense deliberation and debate throughout the past year on the site’s comment threads.  After refusing an in-person interview, SororityChick69 agreed to speak with Sherman Ave on the phone.

“Deciding who is top tier this year was the hardest Continue reading

The 3 Types of “Should Be Ivy League” Schools

12 Jan

You go to a great school. But no—it’s not just great. It’s outstanding. Hell, it can even compete with some Ivy League schools.

But after working your ass off to get good grades, nailing your standardized tests, and getting accepted into an impressive university, you still can’t sit at the popular kids’ table. You’re second tier. At best, you’re the kid who tries to tag along with the popular kids, but everyone knows you aren’t actually popular.

You aren’t Ivy League.

Continue reading

12 Adorable Baby Boys That Will Melt Your Heart

6 Jan

Infancy is a world of wonder. It’s full of curiosity, awe, discovery, imagination, hope, and new life. In a world that at times may seem harsh, jaded, cynical, and unimaginative, the smile of a newborn baby can be a breath of fresh air. For these reasons, we’ve compiled twelve photos of darling bouncing baby boys to brighten your day. Continue reading

A Play-by-Play Analysis of Virgin America’s New Safety Video (in GIFs, of course)

3 Nov

A few days ago Virgin America released the new safety video that they will show passengers before flights take off.

I would like to emphasize the fact that that this video was made by real, debatably sane people. This is real life. And it’s terrifying. Here are some GIFs from the video that show how truly, truly heinous this whole ordeal is. Continue reading

Mayor Tisdahl Sacrifices First-Born Child in Anti-Dillo Day Rain Dance

20 May

EVANSTON—Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl verified claims this morning that she surrendered her 44-year-old daughter (Kathy E. Tisdahl) to Chicchan, the Mayan rain deity last night “in the heat of the moment.”  Tisdahl was spotted in a frog-like squat, crouched on the top of Northwestern’s Rebecca Crowne Clock Tower at twilight. She performed the sacrifice at the stroke of midnight, reportedly in opposition to NU’s upcoming annual Dillo Day festival.

Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.

Tisdahl would not confirm reports that she had attempted to sink the Lakefill.

“It was worth it,” Tisdahl declared as a mass of foam discharged from her mouth. “I literally couldn’t think of a better way to spend my night.” Continue reading

Heinous Things: Icona Pop

22 Apr
They don't care. They fucking LOVE it.

They don’t care. They fucking LOVE it.

Toward the beginning of this year, someone in my dorm decided to completely cover a toilet seat with her or his own feces. All hell broke loose. Email blasts filled our inboxes. Hall government held emergency meetings. Maintenance workers vehemently vacuumed the faces of students as they passed by, later defending their actions as “helpful catharsis.” NU Residential Services was in shambles.

And do you know what this brazen, malicious, excrement-wielding student whispered to herself or himself as she or he fell asleep every night?

“I don’t care. I love it. I don’t care.” Continue reading