New Meal Plan Lets NU Students Pay for Dunkin’ Donuts in Self-Esteem

Pictured: Guilt, later.

EVANSTON, Il. – A new meal plan will allow Northwestern students to exchange their self-esteem for food at Norris Student Center’s recently-opened Dunkin’ Donuts. The plan will allow the fast-food chain, along with Northwestern, to capitalize on the plummeting self-confidence of students who eat at Dunkin’ Donuts.

“On opening day it became immediately clear that after eating our donuts, students were losing self-esteem and satisfaction with their body image—mostly due to the fattening nature of the food we sell,” said Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts. “We figured we might as well turn a profit on their loss.”

Students will still be able to pay for donuts and sandwiches with Equivalency Meals, Munch Money, and points. NUcuisine yesterday released a more detailed explanation of the meal plan, summarized here:

Elementary School Solves Bullying Issue by Asking “Effeminate Boys” to Stay at Home

Evanston’s Campbell Elementary School today announced a new policy which asks all “effeminate boys” to stay at home to avoid being bullied. The announcement comes on the heels of a North Carolina school banning a student from wearing a “My Little Pony” backpack to prevent further harassment in school. The policy is a result of a wave of bullying at the school, which peaked when fourth-grader Will Paige was given an atomic wedgie after being discovered listening to Taylor Swift in the locker room.

“That kid brought it on himself, you know?” said Principal George Johnson. “Usually we try to reprimand bullies, but a guy listening to Taylor Swift alone? That’s irresistible for any bully. The best solution was to keep that girly stuff at home.”

Johnson said he hopes that his students

Dance Marathon Participant Has Common Cold; All to be Infected

(via Vimeo)

EVANSTON, IL – Weinberg freshman Stephen Linder has the common cold and will infect all participants in Northwestern’s Dance Marathon, which begins tonight. Linder has a sore throat and a runny nose, and everyone trapped inside the tent outside of Norris for 30 hours will eventually experience the same symptoms.

“Oh, boy, it’s going to be spreading like the plague in there,” said Tim McGuilicutty, MD Vice President for Medical Affairs at the Feinberg School of Medicine. Experts have confirmed that Linder will wipe his nose and then hi-five his friend, starting an uncontrollable transmission of disease that will reach every single dancer.

Officials confirmed that as they hit the second three-hour time block, dancers will begin to sniffle. By the fourth, they’ll have headaches; and by the tenth, they’ll be coughing violently.

“It’s going to be a cesspool of sweaty germs rubbing up against each other, like a human-sized petri dish,” said McGuilicutty.

To avoid infection, officials suggest not dancing. On a more positive note, doctors don’t expect to see any Saturday Night Fever during DM.

Conquering Eye Contact: A Point System that Dictates What to Do after Locking Eyes with Someone You Know

In case you don’t know what eye contact looks like, here is a helpful diagram. (via writingraindrops.blogspot.com)

Although it happens every day, it’s profoundly startling to realize that you recognize a person that you may see. And yes, through a puffy Canada Goose jacket, a scarf and a Balaclava, that person is looking right back at you. G-wiz, this is awkward—should you wave? Smile? Frown?

This is a points-based system that determines how to act after making eye contact with someone you recognize—let’s call him or her Person “A”. Add or subtract points as you read each step; then, compare your sum to the rubric at the end to determine your least cringe-worthy next move.

1. You know/don’t know

An RA-Resident Text Conversation from Residential Services’ Hell

Rob Ford Knocking Over an Old Woman vs. Rob Ford Walking into Camera: An Analysis

When a mayor admits to crack use and is subsequently stripped of his powers, Sherman Ave admires in sheer awe. That’s why we’ve followed the steady descent of Toronto Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl’s Rob Ford’s political career into profound heinousness with a tip of the hat and a wink of approval. To determine his progress, we’ve compared two of Ford’s physical blunders over the past six months in a competition which will now universally be known as “Rob Ford Encounters People/Things in his Path.” Here are the two contestants:

Dean of Students Requires Homework for those Entering Fitzerland

Students enjoying a nice tailgate after finishing their problem set for Econ 324 (via dailynorthwestern.com)

Evanston, Ill.—In an effort to ensure the safety and diligence of Northwestern undergraduates, Dean of Students Todd Adams revealed yesterday that those wishing to enter the pre-football game student tailgate, commonly known as “Fitzerland,” are now required to bring with them a backpack and some homework.

The Twelve Worst Things People Say to Northwestern Students

1. “What’s it like going to school in Boston?”
It’s Northwestern, not that other school in Boston. You know, “Chicago’s Big Ten Team?”

2. “How many times have you been to the NCAA tournament?”
Who’s really counting these days (#me #shame #depression)? Anyway, Chris Collins is going to take us to the Promised Land within the next two years, and there’s like a million other sports in which we’re bomb-ass.

3. “Son, your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
Seriously? Have you seen our ACT scores?