How to Build Your Resumé with Awkward Comments from Your Relatives

We’re just a few short weeks away from the beginning of internship application season, or if you’re not in school, “another week of trying to get employed” season. Writing a resumé is a surefire way to decimate your confidence as a hirable individual. Fortunately, you can ride the depressing low of the holidays and insert your relatives’ opinions of you to round out the “special abilities” section of your already tepid resumé.

“Taller”

The most commonly uttered comment by relatives. It’s safe and probably true. Now you can reach things most people can’t, or at least reach things that children can’t, like a

Sherman Ave Histories: Norris Student Center

Check out our histories of The Lakefill and Harris Hall!

Freshman Thrilled to see Hail for First Time

Wyn, prior to delving into the more intricate details of obtaining a medical marijuana license.

EVANSTON–An urgent 1845 Hinman suite conversation about where to find alcohol was derailed last Wednesday night by a Southern Californian freshman’s highly repetitive one-sided conversation about how he had lived his entire life without seeing the meteorological phenomenon known as a hail storm. The conversation would develop into a full-blown explanation of Californian culture.

The freshman student, Wyn Cohen, a native to La Jolla, California on San Diego’s north side, could not quite come to terms with how any individual–let alone greater Chicago’s six million people–could trade Midwestern weather for “California’s endless beach days.”

WTF: Britney Spears Kisses Madonna at VMAs?!

And I didn’t give a shit when that happened.

Baryshnikov Completes Enough Credits to Earn Honorary Degree

Baryshnikov would neither confirm nor deny that he also teaches Russian Lit.

EVANSTON– As of Monday, Mikhail Baryshnikov has successfully passed his courses, allowing him to complete an honorary degree from Northwestern University.  Baryshnikov, 65, satisfied his remaining elective credits as required by the Northwestern institution charter for all commencement speakers’ honorary degrees after his transfer from an honorary graduate program in Russia.

His journey toward honorary graduation has been marred

University of Illinois Professor Slightly Frustrated Upon Finding Poop In His Clean Linens Again

Chief Illiniwek, taking a huge dump maybe.

In an open letter to the University of Illinois, Associate Professor Ben Mallock said he is getting a tad fed up after students have been repeatedly breaking into his home and pooping in a basket of clean linens.

Mallock, 56, who teaches anthropology at U of I, said he’s bordering on being annoyed with the bi-weekly felony offense of breaking and entering and subsequent defecating into a basket of neatly folded bed sheets for the 12 years he has been empl oyed by the University.

“It used to be this would only happen on the weekends, but now it happens without any regard to the day of the week or time of day,” Mallock wrote in a letter sent to student run newspaper, The Daily Illini. “After class, I found pee in the toilet and a street sign tucked into my bed.”

Sherman Ave Histories: The Lakefill

The Lakefill is an important part of Northwestern life. That’s why we have decided to bring you the unabridged and completely factually accurate 53-second history of it. Enjoy!

What is this, a fucking pamphlet telling me to go to NU?

Written by Cobra Lederham

Created by Cobra Lederham, Manua Hiki-Hiki

Professor Admits He Sort of Winged the Final

Added Buckley, “Fuck this.”

EVANSTON — Northwestern Astronomy associate lecturer Allen Buckley revealed to a group of TAs that he made up most of the information on this quarter’s Modern Cosmology final.

Buckley, who taught the Astronomy class, had failed to do any preparation for Friday’s final until Thursday night, citing that he was drunk most of reading week in addition to already knows how to write the fuck out of an astronomy final.

“My class notes made no sense. I have more information on a Tycho Brahe’s bladder exploding than I do on dark energy, so I opened up the book from the assigned chapters and I was, like, what the hell is this?” said Buckley, “I thought it had to be a joke. I was up all night pounding Red Bulls trying to write the final.”

Pope Francis I: “New Church Album Will Rock”

A shirtless Pope Francis, on tour supporting his album White Smoke Rising.

VATICAN — The recently elected Pope Francis I announced that the Catholic Church’s forthcoming album will have “more of a New Testament element.”

The heavyweights of Christ’s gospel and godfathers of the Christian genre are looking to release tracks later this year, but will not deviate far from the mantra that made them one of the millennia’s most followed acts.

Luis Antonio Tagle, the Archibishop of Manila and synth player in the Church, said, “When we were working on Benedict XVI, we got caught up in a lot of great experimental stuff.  It was a much softer period.  Our next papacy is going to be good and it’s going to sound great when played loud!”

Budweiser Ads Inspire Drunk Men to Buy Clydesdale, Nation’s Daughters Thrilled

CHICAGO, IL — The day after Super Bowl Sunday has come to mark a national holiday for little girls across the country as tens of thousands of drunk fathers rush to buy the Clydesdale horses that appear annually in national Budweiser commercials.

A group of seven men who viewed Super Bowl XLVII at Callaway’s Pub in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood echoed the voices of many drunken men across the United States who happened to be well into their eighth beers as this year’s iconic Clydesdale Budweiser ad played.

“That man gave his horse everything he got, and it broke his damn heart when the fella didn’t recognize him after all those years,” claimed Lou Romano with tears welling in his eyes,  “Hell, nearly broke our damn hearts, too.”