Happiness Club to Distribute Earplugs on Sorority Bid Night

14 Jan
Our last level of security against the triumph of evil.

Our last level of security against the triumph of evil.

EVANSTON – The Happiness Club at Northwestern University will be handing out earplugs at multiple locations on campus between the hours of 5pm and 6:30pm on Tuesday, according to a press conference this morning.

“First and foremost, our goal as a campus group is to make students happy,” explained Happiness Club President and SESP Junior Henry McMullen.  “And you know something?  It’s pretty damn hard to be happy when your hearing has been irreparably damaged by the strident screams of newfound sorostitutes.”

Happiness Club received a shipment of 3,000 pairs of earplugs last Wednesday, and plans to distribute them primarily on South Campus, since that is within what McMullen calls the “blast radius.”

“We figured 3,000 might be a generous estimate of how many we would actually be able to distribute,” said McMullen.  “But we also figured we could find other times of the year to distribute any extras we have.  The night of A Cappella Fest, for example.”

Sorority girls could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy turning this entire week into a living hell for everyone.

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