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Tag Archives: humor

A Beginner’s Guide to Yik Yak

1 May

Hi, New User! Welcome to Yik Yak. We encourage you to read the following FAQs before dedicating hours of your day to our app. We also encourage heavy involvement: don’t be intimidated by successful top commenters like Yak Daniels, Miss Mary Yak, or Yak Yak City. With this guide, you’ll receive self-gratification within minutes of shitting on your school and peers.

Yik_Yak_ICON

Q: What’s fair game to make fun of? Continue reading

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Crazed Murderer Relieved That You Didn’t Check Behind Shower Curtain

28 Apr
(via Elite Linens)

(via Elite Linens)

After a recent trip to the bathroom where you neglected to check behind the shower curtains because for once you decided not to let paranoia control you, the crazed murderer who has spent hours hiding out in your shower stall breathed a sigh of relief.

“For a moment, I thought you were going to whip open the curtains to check for me,” crazed murderer Joseph Walter Harris said as he cradled Continue reading

Ode to the Campus Loop

14 Apr

odefinal

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern Parody

10 Apr

We Will. The Campaign for Northwestern is an invitation to join together to realize a bold vision for Northwestern.

Maybe someday we’ll get around to offering health services on the weekend, lowering tuition, striving for diversity, providing better mental health resources and ensuring students have safe transportation throughout Evanston.

Maybe someday.

But hey, did you hear about the new athletic complex we’re building??

–Pip Sleazy, Scurvy Jacobson and Lady Keystone

Spring Quarter Resolutions

31 Mar
This Northwestern student had completely forgotten that grass wasn't a myth.

This Northwestern student legitimately thought that grass was a myth created by the administration. (via mindbodygreen.com)

Winter Quarter makes you a bad person. There’s no way to fight it. It will inevitably bring out literally every single shitty aspect of yourself that you so desperately try to cover with layers of puffy clothing. So you  Continue reading

Study: Many NU Students Back to Being Horrible People They Were before DM

24 Mar
(via Northwestern)

(via Northwestern)

EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.

Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.

“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study.  “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”

Continue reading

The Five Types of People in Your March Madness Pool

22 Mar
Type #6: That Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

Type #6: The Guy Who Is Leader of the Free World

March Madness is back and everyone cares about College Basketball again for one month. Watching is more fun when something is on the line, though, and millions of people bought in to NCAA bracket pools this year. Most of them won’t win, but almost all of them “basically should have won, except they changed this one thing at the last minute.” Not every participant is the same, though, and there are a few groups that they fit into: Continue reading

5 Truths I Foresee in the 2014 MLB Season

21 Mar
(via hexanine.com)

(via hexanine.com)

Guys, the baseball season is a few short days from beginning. And we here at the Ave would be remiss if we didn’t give you all the predictions you need to be one step ahead of the average baseball fan this year. Considering that I have the great gift of being able to see into the future when it comes to baseball (and only baseball, actually. It’s kind of a shitty gift), I want to present to you five things that no other season preview will tell you. Continue reading

Guy in Library Eating Chips Very Loudly

18 Mar

Portrait of a young man eating potato chipsEVANSTON, Il – While studying for your Economics 310-1 final this afternoon in the References section of University Library, reports have confirmed that the guy using the desk directly next to yours has begun to eat a small bag of potato chips, making a significant amount of chewing noises in the process.

The guy, who you do not know and have never seen before, has removed a bag of Lay’s Baked Sour Cream and Onion potato chips from his backpack, and is now opening them, crinkling the paper-thin bag in the process.  He is proceeding, according to reports, to eat each chip not only loudly and vigorously, but slowly; which, you notice, only adds to the distinctly audible and somewhat unsettling sounds of mastication the guy is creating.  The numerous reports also state that Continue reading

Mayfest Announces Rebecca Black, Female, As Dillo Day Headliner

16 Mar

EVANSTON, Il.—Mayfest spokesman announced early Friday morning that, as per Google Doc request, the Dillo Day headliner will be Rebecca Black, a female.

“After seeing a link to a Google Doc that read ‘BRING A FEMALE ARTIST TO DILLO DAY’ throughout our newsfeed,” Mayfest spokesman Connor Dart said, “we decided Continue reading