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Pictured: Guilt, later.
EVANSTON, Il. – A new meal plan will allow Northwestern students to exchange their self-esteem for food at Norris Student Center’s recently-opened Dunkin’ Donuts. The plan will allow the fast-food chain, along with Northwestern, to capitalize on the plummeting self-confidence of students who eat at Dunkin’ Donuts.
“On opening day it became immediately clear that after eating our donuts, students were losing self-esteem and satisfaction with their body image—mostly due to the fattening nature of the food we sell,” said Nigel Travis, CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts. “We figured we might as well turn a profit on their loss.”
Students will still be able to pay for donuts and sandwiches with Equivalency Meals, Munch Money, and points. NUcuisine yesterday released a more detailed explanation of the meal plan, summarized here: Continue reading
LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS. DON’T YOU WANT TO BE THAT HAPPY???
Hey kool kollege kid, want to check another cliché off your list? Already converted to Buddhism, studied abroad, went Greek, and pissed away your parents’ retirement funds playing 2048 instead of taking finals? Need something to mitigate the fears of your advancing alcoholism? Don’t worry, you don’t even have to move to save the world. You can literally eat fucktons of fries and be able to call yourself a hero. How? Skip the meat, become vegetarian, and BAM: you’re compassionate. Now go forth, and quote Finding Nemo un-ironically because ~fish are friends, not food~.
But wait[1], that being said, here are a few things to keep in mind coming from someone you should totally trust completely with all life decisions because internet: Continue reading
(via voices.suntimes.com)
EVANSTON, Il. – The news that Riccardo Muti, music director of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, was tabbed as this year’s commencement speaker for Northwestern University was met with overwhelming excitement on Thursday by the large contingent of senior citizens in the Class of 2014.
“I’m a pretty a typical Northwestern student. I have seven grandchildren, reading glasses, and a hip replacement,” explained eighty-five year-old Weinberg senior Wilfred O. Rumpelstein. “So I think I speak for all of my classmates when I say that a classical music director is kind of a dream selection for the speaker that will wrap up my college experience.”
Campus officials explained that the decision was an easy one. “We’re very happy with the selection of Riccardo Muti as this year’s commencement speaker,” said one campus official on Thursday. “We were looking for someone who represented the interests of the outgoing class and a seventy-two year old, Italian classical music conductor seemed like the obvious choice.”
EVANSTON, Il. —Following Mayfest’s announcement that Chance The Rapper will appear as the 2014 Dillo Day Daytime Headliner, Northwestern University junior Marc Dennis listened the top 4 Spotify search results for ‘chance rapper’, figuring this would allow him to pretend he liked Chance The Rapper.
Dennis, who skimmed the first half of each song in a new Spotify playlist titled “chance dillo”, is the rising Chicago-based hip hop artist’s self-proclaimed biggest fan.
“I’m so psyched he’s coming. I love all of his stuff,” reported Dennis enthusiastically about Chance The Rapper. “His new album is so sick,” continued Dennis, supposedly referring to the critically acclaimed mix-tape Acid Rap which was predominantly featured in the Spotify playlist.
Dennis, who could be seen mouthing the lyrics to, “Cocoa Butter Kisses,” while scrolling over the Rap Genius lyrics page for the song, reports that Chance is, “even better in concert.”
Dennis is apparently thrilled that Chance has been booked so far in advance, as he knew only the lyrics to the chorus “Black and Yellow” during Wiz Khalifa’s 2013 Dillo performance which was announced only days before the event.
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If you enjoyed this thing that we wrote that has stuff in it, you should apply to make your own stuff with things in it for us!!!
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Pictured: One of the many one Saferide car (via Northwestern).
EVANSTON, Il. – A representative from Saferide announced in a press conference that the student taxi service would be limiting all rides to locations along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.
“When it comes down to it, we just don’t have the funding anymore,” said the representative. “It’s regrettable, but from this point forward, students will only be able to get a ride if they are both coming from and headed to a location along Go Fuck Yourself Avenue.”
The representative added that, if the organization receives more funding next year, they’ll hope to expand their service to Suck A Veiny Dick Court, and possibly even Here’s A Zip-Lock Bag Full Of My Seven-Month Old Pubes Lane.
Chen also pointed out that the fine print barely visible in this image’s bottom left-hand corner reads “also leaving this spring.” (via Northwestern)
EVANSTON, Il. – The Norris Student Center at Northwestern University announced this morning that the recently-added Dunkin’ Donuts restaurant in the student center’s bottom floor will be discontinued only a day after it opened, as it was in fact all part of a long-planned April Fools joke by the administration.
“Man, you suckers really fell for it,” NU Cuisine Chief of Operations Zachary Chen commented. “You think we would actually impede on Frontera Fresco’s space? They need the entire Norris lower level to make those delicious, fifteen-dollar sandwiches.”
When asked why NU Cuisine, Norris, and Northwestern as a whole would play such a joke on its student body, a joke that one could consider cruel and unusual, Chen replied “because fuck you, that’s why. You’re gonna eat what we give you, and that’s final. What other choice do you have? The Einstein’s on Clark? Ha ha, ok; have fun waiting twenty minutes to get a bagel there.”
In unrelated news, Norris announced that it would also begin charging students a toll of $1.50 to visit Lakefill on days when the temperature is above 73 degrees Fahrenheit, just for the hell of it.
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Like donuts? Are a donut? Apply to write for Sherman Ave!!!
(via Northwestern)
EVANSTON, Il – A little over two weeks ago, Northwestern University’s Dance Marathon concluded its thirtieth and final hour, leaving thousands of participating students elated, overcome with emotion, and instilled with the motivation and drive to be better students, better friends, and overall better people to and for the campus culture around them.
Now, a recently conducted study reports that all such feelings have completely vanished from the above-mentioned students, leaving them in a mental state virtually identical to that of any given participant pre-DM.
“It’s quite the phenomenon,” said Dr. Waldo Hurphburger, a professor of Sociology at Northwestern and the chief researcher of the above study. “In a single thirty-hour period, a morally repugnant, despicably selfish student can become a beacon of charitable kindness and generosity; then, in as little as sixty hours later, lose all such kindness and go back to being, in layman’s terms, a total fucking tool.”
(via Northwestern)
Northwestern declared that they will raise 3.75 billion dollars to improve the University after yesterday morning’s “Dollar Coffee” deal at Java Café.
There was reportedly a “Super Scholastic Brainstorm” which consisted of several administrative members pacing around the presidential office enthusiastically pitching ideas. Reports have confirmed that the group members were thinking of ideas so fast that they did not even have time to write them all down.
Chris Combe and Adam Karr, two Co-Chairs of the initiative, reportedly Continue reading
I never thought it would be hard to say no. In my head, I imagined a stranger approaching me at a party; he would ask if I wanted to have sex with him, and if I didn’t, I’d decline, and that would be that. But in my experience, that’s not how it usually goes. I never thought that in my experience it wouldn’t be a stranger, but a friend or a boyfriend. I never thought that after I said no once, or even twice, they would keep asking. I didn’t take into account how my usual resolve might be weakened by alcohol, or the pressure of being alone with him. And I never thought that my answer and what I wanted would be so thoroughly disregarded. Continue reading
Sherman Ave 