The Hangover Cure That Never Fails

9 Jan
Pictured: You, tomorrow morning

Pictured: You, tomorrow morning

Up until I turned 21, I could drink myself into oblivion as often as I wanted and never once woke up to find my body telling me that I had too much fun the night before, a dreaded condition commonly known as the hangover. But mother nature has a sick sense of humor, and since then seems to delight in watching me suffer every morning after I drunkenly belt “Afternoon Delight” on my walk home from telling a group of strangers my most embarrassing secrets.

Luckily, I have found a miracle method to curing even the worst tequila hangover. Some people may insist that drinking a raw egg smoothie or taking a cold shower while drinking hot coffee and listening to Nickelback or some other shit will help. In my experience, these people are fucking morons.* My method, on the other hand, has never failed for me and I am confident it could work for you, too.

Now, usually when you wake up with a headache that sounds like a choir of one thousand Chad Kroegers having a screaming match with Ke$ha, you’ll also find yourself with a bladder full of approximately 3.2 beverages from the night before. You’ll need to take care of that before taking any measures towards combating that stomachache that reminds you of the time you went camping and your friend didn’t quite cook the cheddarwursts all the way through (fucking Kevin). This is OK. While you’re up draining those 3.2 beers, screwdrivers, and tequila sunrises, it doesn’t hurt to down a tall glass of water and a few of your favorite over the counter pain relievers.** This is not a necessary part of the hangover cure, but it can make the process go by a lot faster.

Once that’s done, you’ll need to find yourself a quiet, comfy place, preferably a bed or couch where you can get someone to wait on your every need. Find a position to lie in that causes you the least amount of pain (I’m personally a fan of the fetal position). Now this is the important part, so pay attention. Once you’re comfortable, remain as still as possible for as long as possible. That means DON’T FUCKING MOVE! Don’t try to figure out what concoction is in that red solo cup on the coffee table (if it looks like vomit, it probably is. Let someone else deal with it). Don’t explain to your roommate that you saved his life by leading The Hamper Man astray with a trail of his dinner leftovers from the hamper to the backyard. And definitely don’t try to contact that hot girl from the bar that you seduced with your Magic Mike dance moves.

Like I said, this method has a 100% success rate. Sometimes it can take almost a full day to work its magic, but in those cases you usually deserve a good nap anyway. And next time, maybe you should steer clear of the beer bong.

*I have never once tried one of these “cures”

**My personal favorite is what we on the streets call “marijuana”

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