The 2014 Oscars: Who Will Win and Who Should Win

2 Mar

Oscar Scary LookingBest Picture:

  • Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave

  • Why: Guiiiiilt trip.

  • Who Should Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

  • Why: This breathtaking adventure flick digs deep into issues surrounding age, vitality, and societal expectations of the elderly. With gritty performances from its ensemble cast, Bad Grandpa was basically “Nebraska,” “The Wolf Of Wall Street” and “American Hustle” all rolled into one whirlwind ride that critics described as “a movie,” “the next installment in the popular Jackass series,” and “R-rated.”

Best Director:

  • Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

  • Why: Consider this a make up prize for when his work on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban was snubbed.

  • Who Should Win: Christopher Nolan, Memento

  • Why: Wow, have you guys SEEN this movie? Unreal. Unfuckingreal. Just caught it on Netflix last week when I was baked, this one oughta be a shoo-in.

Best Actor:

  • Who Will Win: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

  • Why: There is literally no one better in the entire world to depict the devastation of the AIDs epidemic than the dude from Failure To Launch. I could MAYBE see Terry Bradshaw in this role too, but he was also in Failure To Launch so I think we’ve covered our bases.

  • Who Should Win: Meryl Streep, August: Osage County

  • Why: Gender is a goddamn social construct.

Best Actress:

  • Who Will Win: Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

  • Why: I mean, Roman Polanski won for The Pianist, right? Let’s not start caring about that stuff now.

  • Who Should Win: Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

  • Why: I honestly cannot fathom why this performance is being overlooked. SHE’S AMERICA’S SWEETHEART AND YOU ALL BETTER GET USED TO IT. SHE LIKES TO EAT AND FART AND STUFF. IT’S ENDEARING, DAMMIT.

Best Supporting Actor

  • Who Will Win: Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

  • Why: More like “30 Seconds To More”… Oscar gold for this guy! Ayooo!! *drops mic* *pics mic back up cause that was rude* *can’t figure out where to put the mic* *carries mic offstage*

  • Who Should Win: Jonah Hill, The Wolf Of Wall Street

  • Why: This should maybe fall under the category of Lifetime Achievement Award. His delivery on “ask me about my weiner” is haunting. Just… haunting.

Best Supporting Actress

  • Who Will Win: Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

  • Why: The microwave is cooking all the nutrition outta the food!! Hahahah!!! This movie was my favorite episode of Seinfeld.

  • Who Should Win: Lupita Ny- Ya know what. No. Let’s go with Julia Roberts here for August: Osage County.

  • Why: Just to fuck with everyone.

Best Animated Feature Film

  • Who Will Win: Frozen, The Film Of Our Times


  • Who Should Win: Frozen, The Film Of Our Times


Best Animated Short Film

  • Who Will Win: IDK, prolly like Mr. Hublot or something

  • Why: It’s one of the films actually nominated.

  • Who Should Win: That scene from Frozen, The Film Of Our Times, when Olaf is by the fire.


Best Original Song

  • Who Will Win: “Let It Go,” from Frozen, The Film Of Our Times

  • Why: In all seriousness, this is a showstopping ballad that has transcended its animated background into a chart-topping hit.

  • Who Should Win: “Bound 2,” Kanye West ft. Kim Kardashian

  • Why: “What an original song you wrote, Kanye. Very good. We’ll just put that right up on the fridge.”

Best Original Screenplay

  • Who Will Win: American Hustle, David O. Russell and Eric Singer Warren

  • Why: You came for the Amy Adams sideboob, but you stayed for the… Amy Adams frontboob and topboob and somehow backboob idk that got freaky. But no, the writing was not very good on this film.

  • Who Should Win: Freaks and Geeks, Judd Apatow and Paul Feig

  • Why:  I mean it’s just soooo underappreciated. One season?! Are you kidding me?!?

Best Adapted Screenplay

  • Who Will Win: 12 Years A Slave, John Ridley

  • Why: Wait shit I thought it was Ridley Scott, I take it back.

  • Who Should Win: The Wolf Of Wall Street, Terence Winter

  • Why: “I will quit this project before I agree to a script that involves anything less than Leonardo DiCaprio engaging in wax-based sodomy. This is my line in the sand.” – Terence Winter.

Visual Effects, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Cinematography, Production Design, Film Editing

  • Who Will Win: Gravity

  • Why: I mean, they literally trained Clooney and Bullock as astronauts for six years, built a replica space telescope and space station, flew into outer space and stayed there for six months with dwindling oxygen to film this thing. Give em the damn Oscars.

  • Who Should Win: Gravity

  • Why: Silence, dissenter.

Makeup And Hair Styling

  • Who Will Win: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa


  • Who Should Win: The Lone Ranger


Documentary Feature

  • Who Will Win: The Art Of Killing

  • Why: I read a review on The Atlantic and they said it was powerful well ok I saw the headline for a review and I almost clicked but I got the general idea from the headline I’m sure it was really moving. I didn’t almost click.

  • Who Should Win: The Square

  • Why: I watched ONE documentary on Netflix and now this is in every “recommended movie” list I see.

Documentary Short Subject

  • Who Will Win: The Lady In Number 6: Music Saved My Life

  • Why: Can music save your mortal soul, and can you teach me how to dance reaaalllll slowwwww. Lol i’m not even gonna google this category.

  • Who Should Win: CaveDigger

  • Why: I ain’t saying she a CaveDigger, but she ain’t messin with no broke- I STOPPED IN TIME CALM DOWN.

Foreign Language Film

  • Who Will Win: The Hunt, Denmark

  • Why: Well I think this category is really going to come down to which film most existentially captures the metaphors that simile the juxtaposition of red herrings and joussance in the most flyting clarihew that the director could encompsol– ok now that everyone’s stopped reading I can admit that obviously I did not see or look up any of the nominated films.

  • Who Should Win: American Hustle, United States

  • Why: Amy Adams spoke with a British accent that’s a different language on Facebook it counts I checked.

Costume Design

  • Who Will Win: The Great Gatsby

  • Why: The Academy takes a sick pleasure in giving Oscars to people who sit near Leo.

  • Who Should Win: American Hustle

  • Why: Tits yo.

Best Original Score

  • Who Will Win: Her, William Butler and Owen Pallett

  • Why: The score for Her powerfully backs up this moving and in some ways troubling look at the way we view human interactions. With its soaring moments and valleys of deep silence, the listener is left contemplating how we view our own relationships.

  • Who Should Win: Timber, Pitbull ft. Ke$ha

  • Why: I think this is pretty self explanatory.

Best Short Film Live Action

  • Who Will Win: Aquel No Era Yo (That Wasn’t Me)

  • Why: But she caught me on the counter. It wasn’t me. Saw me bangin on the sofa. It wasn’t me. I even had her in the shower. It wasn’t me.

  • Who Should Win: Pitääkö Mun Kaikki Hoitaa? (Do I Have to Take Care of Everything?)

  • Why: Umlauts just get me.

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