Lake Michigan was reportedly near a rolling boil.
EVANSTON – Four Northwestern students were sent to North Shore Evanston Hospital earlier this afternoon, suffering from severe heat illness due to temperatures rising dangerously close to 60°F.
The hospitalizations occurred between the hours of 1pm and 3pm, as students found themselves stranded on the lakefill during the day’s peak temperatures. As of 4pm, all four were stable and mostly recovered.
Weinberg sophomore Eddie French, the first student to be sent to the hospital, recounted the incident.
“I was just sitting on the Lakefill with my friends, enjoying the nice weather and joking about how funny it would be if we were actually reading,” said French. “It got pretty hot so we wanted to go back inside. I tried to stand up and fainted. My friends supposedly teabagged me for seven or eight minutes before realizing I might actually need help. Wish I could’ve seen it.”
“But like, TGIF,” added French.
Another victim of the historically high temperatures, McCormick junior McKayla White, admitted her shock at the extreme heat.
“I mean, I’ve lived in the Chicahgo area since I was just a baby,” explained White. “I’ve never seen temperatures this hot. Let alone in April, right in the middle of winter.”
Students responded to the series of hospitalizations in their traditional fashion, by laying the responsibility on a widespread and irreversible trend. Paul Wu, a McCormick sophomore and climate change activist, believes that global warming is the cause of this record heat.
“58 in April? Come on. Come on, man. That’s not natural. Welcome to the 21st century, where students are hospitalized because our CORPORATIONS don’t care about the ENVIRONMENT,” said Wu, who kept talking but we stopped listening.
In the wake of these hospitalizations, the weather has been put on social probation by the Northwestern Interfraternity Council, and will likely undergo a membership review this coming fall.
Sir Edward Twattingworth III contributed reporting on this Sharticle.
Sherman Ave 
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